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Baths occur maybe once a month. He uses a urinal at night. He sits in front of TV all day and naps at least 3 times a day.It is now 8:15 am and he is asleep for the first nap. He does not want to get out of the house. His children don't live near us and seldom visit. I finally told them that I need help with getting him motivated, but that was last November. They called at Christmas, but that is all. He does not want me to talk to his doctor, so I honor his privacy. I don't know how to get someone to recognize where he is at this point. He can hold everything together for a two hour visit every six months, but the daily routine of living with him is tough. I do go out to visit friends, to an exercise group, and to do the things necessary to maintain our home. If I rat him out to the doctor, I am afraid that it will backfire and he will be even harder to live with. Surely, many others have been through this. His comment is that I am overly sensitive if I say anything, but I think the issue is getting serious. Help!

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adrianl, yes he is probably really tired.... when we get into our 60's it seems like a light switch turns on and now we are facing health related decline, thus we tend to tire quickly. That has happened to my sig other and myself. We come home from work, eat dinner, sit in front of the TV and fall asleep... I can't remember the last time we both watched a 9:00 p.m. or 10:00 p.m. TV show all the way through :P
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I understand how you feel. My husband is only 62 and he's stopped having his daily showers. Now 3-4 days go by without him having one and he does a very physical job and comes home quite dirty and sweaty. I can't help not wanting to be anywhere near him. When I suggest he should have a shower, he either says he's tired or gets defensive, saying he didn't need anyone telling him what to do. I really don't know what to do any more. There are some other issues in our marriage, but this is the most recent one. I am much younger than him and we have a young child and I don't even like him hugging our child any more because of his deteriorating personal hygiene.
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Ruby02, I agree that maybe your spouse needs anti-depressent medication and perhaps an evaluation for pain? I am disabled, myself, and waiting for a knee surgery. It hurts for me to squat in the bathtub when I wash my hair and my complete bathing has been 36 to 48 hours in the cold weather. And I am on Rx pain meds.

When I see my pain Dr every 4 weeks, one of the questions in my health assessment questionaire is rating 1 to 5 "Difficulty in bathing and showering". I rate it a 3 or a 4 depending on my level of pain, and whether I've taken breakthrough immediate release meds (I have a cervical spinal injury and recently diagnosed herniaton at L5-S1).

Consider getting your husband a consult to medically diagnose clinical depression - adult onset diabetes can trigger depression. Bone spurring near spinal nerve roots can cause pain, and a patient's difficulty in bathing.

Good luck!
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FreqFlyer, thanks for the tip. I got out the albums today and it really sparked him. No activity, but a smile is a good start!
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Any old photo albums around? Put them within his reach. Maybe he will look at the photos at his own pace and think about things that he use to enjoy.... maybe it will spark an interest in a past hobby or something he was interested in.

One thing great about those of us who use to use 33mm or Brownie cameras is that we have photo albums. The new generation has to turn on their computer, find a disc or computer folder, wait for a download, and then scroll through the picture.

Anyway, if that doesn't work, thank goodness you are able to leave your home to be with friends, to exercise, get groceries, etc. Whatever you do, don't stop doing that. Your husband made his choice to do what he is doing. Some people get scared about becoming older, he might feel if he does nothing, time will stop.
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Thanks for the help.
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I think you need to rat him out to his doctor. His health and your happiness comes ahead of his privacy in this case, in my mind. Contact his doctor privately, rather than in front of your husband.

cmagnum may very well be right, that Hubby is depressed. Or there may be something else treatable going on. You both deserve at least a chance at improvements.
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From your description of your husband, I would say he needs to ask his doctor for an anti-depressant.
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Captain you answer with your typical feistiness.

Ruby, does your husband have any major physical problems? Is he very overweight? Does he have sleep apnea? Is his hearing bad? I feel for you and think you have a right to expect your loved one to keep himself clean. Is your shower easily accessible for your husband?

I'm *only* 63 but I can already tell a big difference between myself and a lot of my friends my age and younger. They're ready to give up and act old while I'm trying new things and getting into better physical shape. It sounds like your husband has kind of given up on vitality and just wants to veg out. That's OK but it's not great for his health. Or your happiness.

My dad got very quiet in his later years. I think it was largely due to his hearing loss. He had hearing aids, but wouldn't wear them unless I insisted. It isolated him a lot.

I don't think you're being a b*tch, since you're coming at it from a place of love and concern.
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Captain, Is this what you think I should respond to the man who has been my husband and lover? Will it change his attitude? Or do you agree that I am a bi??ch and just should just back off? I am very reluctant to give up my man to old age! I have thought about it all day and think you may have framed my response and I may sleep on the sofa again tonight due to hygiene issues. If you were being critical or sarcastic, maybe you still helped me. Thanks.
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some people are physical " doers " and some are more introvertive and entertain themselves within their own head.
if i were 85 and most of lifes joys had long ceased to exist, i seriously doubt if id care what my taint smelled like for one minute. stay out of my personal space, ill stay out of yours.
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