Husband needs guidance on how to distance himself from spouse in care facility (he was primary caregiver at home). Any advice?

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Spouse has late stage dementia in care facility. Husband is frail 93 year old .needs guidance to disengage. Without guilt

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It is unclear whether or not he is in the facility that she is in. Many of the answers seem to assume that he is not. If he is in that facility and won't leave her side, what's the harm? If he is going down hill fast, the facility should be alerted that Mom needs more help to take some of the burden off dad.
If he is not in the same facility, then it looks like its free will on his part. I have an aunt and uncle in the same position. Aunt is much younger, but has a broken femur. She's in rehab. Uncle is wearing himself down driving there every day & spending all day with her. He's also 93, but I wouldn't want to be the one who would try to stop him.
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1tired makes a good point. If it is too physically/emotionally demanding for a frail 90+ caregiver to make daily visits to a care facility and oversee care, maybe there are other family members who can visit and reassure him that she is ok. At that age, he needs to take of himself too. If no family available, maybe there are church members or other community volunteers, who make visits. In our community, we have professional guardian services available. They charge hourly, but offer a wide range of services to assist people as they age. I'm sure they would even do "wellness checks" in a facility, and would be highly qualified to make sure the appropriate care was being taken.
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Mom and Dad were married for 65 years when she passed. She was in a NH for 4 years. At first Dad visited every day and it was really difficult for him. When we were able to move them closer to sis, they alternated days and when I would go up for a visit I would go every single day thus giving a break to Dad. It was enough for him that she had someone from the family there every day and that is what we did. At least one visitor every single day...even when she really did not know who we were or who was there. Interestingly, this was not her wish and she specifically had told us to find a nice NH and go on with our lives. Dad needed to know that she was being well taken care of. Now that she has passed (a month ago) I do think it is a bit of relief for him, though he would never use those words.
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I agree that maybe they both could move into the same facility. My MIL and her husband did that. He was in his 90s and just getting frail; she was 79 with health issues. This was a continuing care facility and as she declined, she was moved from assisted living into nursing and then into hospice on a separate floor from him, but he could be there every day.
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Perhaps as time goes on he will become more comfortable that she is being cared for properly and he won't feel the need to be so closely engaged.

Meanwhile, who says he needs guidance -- him or you? Maybe it makes him feel needed to be there for her.

Blessings to everyone involved.
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is it possible for him to move into the same facility?
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To Eyerishlass Pegstman Vegaslady I was approached by a mutual friend, to listen to the chaps concerns. The couple married 60 years totally devoted to each other. His decision totally

To disengage as he feels he is rapidly "going down hill". But feels guilty, which
He realizes is quite natural, but Eyerishlass ans is close to the mark Thanks all
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It's called Symbiosis. In nature, symbiosis occurs because flowers need bees and bees need flowers. Each cannot survive and flourish without the other. So it happens with couples married for a long, long time. My grandparents were married 60 years, when grandma died, grandpa gave up and wilted and died within three months. Canada Geese mate for life, and visibly mourn a lost mate. This is nature, this is natural, this is how they will be.
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What makes you think he needs to disengage?
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It's absolutely OK that he not visit her everyday, or several times a day, or however often he's going to visit her. I'm sure it's very difficult on him. However, if he feels that he needs to visit her on a regular basis there's nothing anyone can say to dissuade him. He may see it as his duty, his responsibility. And we can't force someone to do something they don't want to do.

It might help if we knew what the relationship here is. If it's your dad that would make a difference than if it were, say, a neighbor or a friend. And is the lady your mom? Stepmother?

Sometimes more detail helps get specific answers and suggestions.
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