My husband says he might have to quit his job and move in with his mom?

Kimber166 adding more here - if I want to run away being a part time caregiver - I so empathize and admire those of you shouldering this full time. You are amazing and wonderful people and I so hope someone will actually say thank you to you sometime!

Pull up your big person pants and say NO... be an adult, set boundaries and live your life that she gave you..

Phoenix, Thank you for the actual description and example of how someone's brain works on dementia.
Whether from a dementia, or a personality disorder, your mom actually views you, her own daughter as an extension of herself, and must really believe she does these things independently.
This is a classic behavior, but I don't know why anyone would treat their own foot so poorly.

Sendme..I missed the dementia info..I have mild cognitive impairment, could be dementia..doctor not sure yet. Where would I find the info mentioned in your post?

I am pretty sure my hubs will join you Kimber166! His family is driving us nuts!

EastEagle, WOW does your mom make bad judgements and decisions! And yeah, we end up paying for them...so hey, don't feel guilty for being the one coming in to pick up whatever pieces there are left to pick up. My mom would not use a page magnifier either - messed up my dad's meds because she pretended to herself and the health care staff she could read all the changes after a hospital stay and then just gave him everything she had been giving before. When they choose isolation, you are NOT obligated to share that misery with them, and wallowing with them does neither them or you any real good. I face that with my hubby - he would like me to engage in all the sedentary hobbies he does instead of hiking, biking, or swimming...I just can't. My body needs me to move, my mind needs me to move, and if I became as unfit as him, I would not be able to help him at all the next time he needs something. Plus he would outlive me - my genes are way worse than his.

"I feel ya!"

Kimber: I agree totally!

To LindaSusan, To explain....My post was to Phoenixdaughter, in reference to her post 5 days ago.
If you are suffering from something (key word, suffering) that is yet undiagnosed, please ask your doctor's advice. It may bother you more trying to research it all out on your own, wondering, and identifying with so many symptoms mentioned on the various threads here, that you work yourself up, worry that you might have something you don't have. When in your situation with your daughter, just the stress could be causing your symptoms. imo.
Disclaimer: I disclaim having any real expert opinions.
Please consult your doctor.
I will PM you to clarify.
Now, should I open mouth, insert other foot, or which foot exactly should I ?????
Lol, just joking, using cliches inappropriately. O dear jude!

It is now June 1, and I would like to add: If this man, your husband, gives you anymore trouble, buy some large depends (or a large amount), throw it at him and say: " Don't let the door hit you on the way out", "Hallelujah, and good riddance!!
Lol. Just following up.

So, anxiouswife59, anything more happen on this?

Another 30 days have gone by, how are you A-Wife?

Better?
Same?
Worse?

We care!

M88

anxiouswife59: Yea, please come back here!

My mother is very stubborn. She is 95 and will not leave her home. I am the only child and I have to work full time and care for her full time because she does not want srrangers in her home to care for her. I am tired and at the end of my rope. The other day she told me to quit my job and take care of her full time. She doesn't understand that my job pays the bills. However, I think she basically wants compete control over everything, especially me. She has always controled everything in her life. Please to the man who is thinking of quiting his job, pleaseplease don't! Yes, we lovelove and honor our parents, but I have given up so much of my life during these last fifteen years that I refuse to surrender my career and means of support. Some days i just want to get in my car and drive and never look back. Do i havd caretaker burnout? Absolutely. My doctor told me if i don't taje care of myself, I won't be able to care fof my mom. We are all in a difficult position. But, please stay strong and do not give up you profession and means of support and freedom. No one should ask this of you. Prayers to everyone....

I ran into this same issue, my mother refused to sign a power of attorney so I could never make any decisions for her as far as perhaps having someone care for her 24/7 until that one day when she broke her ankle in three different parts and she showed absolutely no sign of being all there. Because I was warned by the doctor at the hospital that if mom ended up in the hospital one more time. Well, I took her straight, with the physicians' written prescription, to a nursing facility. Once admitted, they sent her to get X-rays and then they stabilized her meds intake. She was placed in the Alzeimer's unit, because my mother had no knowledge of who she was, much less anyone else. I have no idea what caused this to happen. I believe it was the medications she was taking, but she was really bad. She had refused that I put her in a nursing home and had refused to give me a power of attorney, but the medical physicians had to prescribe the nursing home as the best place for her, otherwise, my mother would never have moved out on her own. Mom had no idea where she was fromSeotember to March. I started giving her a product that got her memory back. By the end of three months on the product, my mother was aware of where she was, remembered everything about her and her children, my father and the house. She used to have really horrid behaviors before I started her on the product and now my mother is very pleasant. Even though she is now aware of where she is, she now says she knows it's for the best, but has asked me that if she keeps getting better if she can go home. I told her yes, but she too needs to want to get better and needs to try to do things by herself. She is definitely coming around. We want what is best for our parents, but if we work, we cannot tend to them ourselves 24/7 and they will have accidents, and things will happen, like meds may cause side effects and our parents start to lose it, like my mother. It is tough love sometimes, but we have to do it. They need 24/7 then they need 24/7 like my mother, but if they can still do things for themselves and they just need good supplements, then get them those good supplements. Why not? Our parents are worth it. Sometimes good supplements will give them a better quality of life and give us peace of mind.

I would definitely have a very serious talk with your husband on this one, he needs his job and income to pay the bills. Does he realize that he's really splitting up his immediate household and leaving you behind? Putting myself in the situation, this would be such a threat to my security that I can't see myself staying, and I don't think it's right of your husband to abandon his household, especially financially. Before you married him, did you know he was taking care of his mom? I personally would have seen this as a big red flag and I would've avoided the marriage and kept looking. Yes, I would've run for the hills and not married him had I known. Anytime a potential spouse is caring for an aging parent, this should be a potential red flag because what you're describing can very easily happen to anyone. If something like this happens when it's too late and you've already married, this is where you're going to have to fight or flight. It sounds like first you're going to have to fight with flight as your last resort. Your husband can't just up and leave anytime he wants and expect there to not be marital consequences, you're going to have to remind him that he's married and has an immediate family and his household. You may also have to remind him of what God says about leaving father a mother and cleaving to his wife. If he can't do that then he's not fit for you, he's just not marriage material if you can't stick to you over his mom. If I'm stepping on any toes, it is what it is and that's just how I feel about the whole thing because I just wouldn't stay in such a situation of having a spouse who thinks they can just abandon their household, leaving them high and dry, this makes me royally angry

1RareFind: You are right on point as far as the wife having been left behind when he has to run off to live with his elderly mother.That is, unless it was just for a short stint and the wife agreed.

Murano, you should have gotten a spine years ago. You're letting a 95 year old woman still order you around? And where has it gotten you? You might well die before she does.

AnxiousWife, No one is meaning you, as you have explained way back that husband stayed home.
As so often happens, your post has been hijacked, so just ignore them, imo.

classic Ponzi scheme set up.

I am EastEagle, back again. I am wondering whatever happened to anxious wife? and what did her Husband decide to do about his Mom?? Once again, I am going crazy with my own Mother. Today, I found out how she really felt about the last time that she came to my house for our Family get-together. She likes to have the Family at her house, every time, but since she was not feeling well, I had invited the Family to my house in the Fall, a big mistake for several reasons. But the main reason is because of what my Mom just told me today - that she did not have a good time at all, she was bored, and she was mad that someone had given her a seat and put some pillows behind her back and she ended up being stuck in that chair for the entire day, and she was mad that none of my 3 Daughters had sat next to her to have a nice long conversation with her. Mind you, we gave her the most comfortable chair in my house, it happens to be a recliner, and my Mother is so short that she really needed those pillows for her back. I told her that she could have sat at the dining room table so she could have had other people around her, but I remembered that she had said no at the party. She complained about the way her Great Grandkids were running around the house, making a mess. This is the same Grammy who had loved having my kids stay at her house, and they always spread out their toys on her floors, she loved it back then. I am so depressed over her comments, and it is so very sad that she feels this way. She really hurt my feelings, but I do realize that she is almost 92 years old, and I guess that I should expect this kind of crankiness and complaining from her. But, it is so very hard for me to handle. How do you all handle this situation?? I really need some input - any comments at all would be great . I can't believe how sad, upset, and depressed this makes me feel. This is the worst feeling and the worst situation I have ever had to endure in my life. and I am pretty sure it will only get worse. It's a long story, my Mom will not come to my house to stay. She wants someone to take her shopping to many stores. She wants to host a Baby Shower at her house for her newest Great Grandchild. But, she will not ask my brother to take her shopping, he lives around the corner, because he wants her to use a walker, or a wheel chair. She is totally against it, so they are at odds about this. I told her that she and my brother are in a very dysfunctional relationship. Also, when I try to call him to see if he will agree to take her shopping, he never calls me back. I can stay at my Mother's and go with her, but she cannot get into my car, another big problem. I could go on and on. Any advice for me? Thanks, All

East I think as they get older, they get crankier! My ILs were with us at the vacay home over the holiday. My daughter had 6 friends over for the day. (keep in mind this is adults,, not kids) They sat with him, talked to him... and he later bitched about how it was too much commotion and noise. He used to love to have all his sons friends there.. whooping and hollering as it is! My mother also needs a walker, but will not use one... its for "old people".. Hello she is about to be 86!! So we wobble all over.. and whatever she wants to becomes what we will do and she will assume charge. It's not you.. it's them!

EastEagle, stop expecting you can do anything that will make her happy. Do what you think is right and feel free to TRY to please her, but realize she is fairly well determined that she is NOT going to be pleased. I suspect brother knows this is and not going to be bamboozled into taking her shopping when he does not feel it is safe and all she will do is complain. If she is in pain some pain medication might brighten her up but good luck getting her to take it. It's sad, and irritating, and it is what it is. Not worth "getting depressed" over. Stop hitting your head on that wall - walk around it and do something else. When you can do something her way just do it and feel good about YOURSELF for having made the effort, regardless of the way she ends up feeling about it.

EastEagle, take your brother's lead, he's doing the right thing not taking his Mom shopping unless she uses a walker. He has learned to set boundaries, and you need to do the same. How I wished I did for my parents.

My Dad would use his walker but my Mom wouldn't, she would wobble along with her cane, good heavens anyone would think she was elderly [she was in her mid-90's]... but I was a senior myself and it would take 10 minutes to get my parents into the car and me climbing in back to buckle them up... whew, and here we hadn't left the garage.

Eventually I would ask for a shopping list and my parents stayed at home... I honestly think they were relieved not going. That 2 hour shopping trip was cut down to a half hour for me :)

East Eagle, Freqflyer is right on.

I was in therapy and my therapist gave me some things to say. "I'm sorry you feel that way." "You could be right, I'll have to think about it." "I did the best I knew how at the time". or "I don't need this". These sentences are geared to stop conversation. How can they respond to them? Feel free to use them as appropriate.

She does not want to be happy, and you can't make her happy. The only one you can control is yourself. Don't listen to her SH**. Walk away. Hang up. When she complained about the chair, say something like. "I am sorry you feel that way". Then leave, or change the subject. I used to have to run outside and change the water. Even if the water wasn't on, it didn't matter, got me out of the house.

She says it to hurt, remember just because someone throws a ball at you doesn't mean you have to catch it. Just jump aside and say, "Oh, My, someone just threw a ball (or hurtful comment). Don't catch that ball (or hurtful comment), that is what they want you do to. Just let it pass.

Many Hugs to you.

How hurtful when someone who is supposed to love you, doesn't. The old saying "Nothing like a Mother's Love" can be a farce. At least my mother came right out and said she never cared for me. Made a lot of sense.

In response to MaryKathleens mention of lacking the love from someone who supposed to love you, I know the feeling. Doesn't it seem funny that people don't want to step up to the plate and be good parents when they have an unexpected pregnancy for instance? People want to play but they don't want to pay when a baby arrives. No matter what the situation was in their lives, they need to take responsibility if they insist on playing around because the baby will sometime arrive. Parenthood is supposed to be a joyful time for both parents and children. People who insist on playing around become parents sometime, and they need to take responsibility and love the children they get. It's not the child's fault for being conceived, they shouldn't have to pay for it. It doesn't matter what the situation was for how the child was conceived, they shouldn't be punished. I know some children are conceived out of rape, but not even that is the child's fault. If a parent has an unplanned pregnancy, adoption is always an option, there are many people lined up waiting to adopt every day because so many people can't conceive. I know sometimes parents may start way too young, and I know early parenthood can steal a person's childhood, and every time someone who chooses to keep the child sees that child, they become jealous of the child because the child reminds the parents of the childhoods they lost. I know this is a strong possibility because my own parents started very young while they were still in school. My dad had a seventh grade education and my mom had an eighth-grade education. Yes, they started very young, losing their childhoods. This can actually trigger abuse against the child for ever being born, but this isn't the child's fault, it's not their problem but rather the adult's problem. However, when your parents age and need care you may not be there due to how they treated you when you most needed them. In cases where the parents were so abusive the child had to be rescued by CPS, there always comes a time sooner or later when the abuser faces the consequences when they can least handle it. They made their choice when their children were young and they had the chance to be good parents, and they blew it. I can't say every abuse survivor will overcome the past abuse, but some will. Another thing to remember is most of them will become parents themselves, which means grandkids enter the picture. I told my abusers they'll never see their grandkids out of me due to what they did to us kids, they were on a mission to kill as many of us as possible. This is why I'm glad I have survivors rights in my particular situation due to the nature of what happened. MaryKathleen, I know how you feel to have your own mother hate you despite having given birth to you. If more people would think before hurting their children, this world would be a better place because it's the next-generation who's going to take care of them when they're old. All too often it's the surviving children who and up taking care of their former abusers, but not in all situations. How good of care they get is going to depend on how they treat those children when they're growing up, the children could very well turn the tables and start abusing the abuser if they really wanted to. This is why it's always a good idea to treat children well because we never know who's going to step in and take care of us when we are old, because believe me, it's going to be the next generation. In fact, I recently explained this scenario to someone who probably wasn't even thinking of it. It's always good and even very wise to be nice to children because gas was going to take care of us someday? Yes, you got it. It's the next generation, so we better be nice because they'll definitely remember later. Again, you never know who will take care of you when you're old, so it's best to be nice to the next generation now if you want the best of care later

Thank you all, for your great advice. I just want to add that my Mother is such a very smart woman, not a bit of dementia, etc. she watches the news all the time, and knows everything little thing that is going on, so I am wondering why she is like this, of course I am not talking about all of her health problems, pain, and loss of freedom which would make anyone miserable. I am thinking about her Generation when Women basically gave up their freedom to bring up their kids, and run a household. My Mother never wanted to travel, and never got on a plane again, after she went on one trip to Atlantic City in 1951. So, as kids, we never went anywhere, in fact when I was a kid and I asked my Mom if I could go to summer camp, she said no, she did not believe in them. Also, she did not like the beach, so she never took us there either. We lived in the City, and spent the summertime in our backyard, and no pools either. My Mother's 2 younger Sisters - are a totally different story, They travelled all over the world, alone or with kids. I am wondering if my Mother wishes she had done more with her life. Up until my Dad died, the 2 of them stayed at home all day, my Dad would not go out to socialize at all, not even to the Veterans clubs, not one single outside hobby or interest, no social life at all, while she cooked 3 meals a day for him, and waited on him hand and foot. And during this time - she complained to me about my Dad, every single day. Another new thing she is doing all the time now, she is telling me what a horrible husband and Father he was. I really don't like hearing all of that. The only enjoyment she ever had was when we went to visit, almost every weekend. And now, I guess she thinks that her Grandkids should be at her house every weekend, but that is not possible all the time. 2 of my kids live hours away, they do the best they can. So, I am thinking, if she had done more when she was younger, maybe she would feel more content now. Just wondering.

No, she wouldn't. She'd be complaining just as bitterly about not being able to go anywhere. I promise you.

The fact that she can follow tthe news doesn't mean she doesn't have dementia. Just sayin'.

Babalou is right about the news. My Dad is always up-to-the-minute with the news & weather, and he knows the Presidential candidates and what they stand for.... but when 4pm rolls around out comes his sundowner dementia. Then he thinks he has a conference meeting at work [to which he had retired 30 years prior].

Bablou is right. Many old-age personality tics are actually symptoms of dementia.

With my mother, they were all right under my nose. Rigid thinking. Unable to switch focus. Fixated on the "right way" to do this or that, but could not execute and went ape-sh*t if someone else stepped in. Lost interest in what few things ever interested her. Paranoid. Control freak. Anti-social. Deliberately made her world astonishingly small.

I kept thinking that it couldn't be dementia. She always knew the day, the president, current events. Still a math whiz.

She was always a low-grade control freak. I figured she was just becoming "more herself" with age.

Fast forward. Autopsy revealed 2 different forms of dementia. I almost fell out of my chair. Why autopsy? Refused to see a doctor for any of her escalating issues. (Control freak, remember?)

Whatever is going on with your mom, it sounds like she will wear it like a badge of honor. While you increasingly feel like you are one step from the nuthouse.

These years will wear you down. If mom has food, clothing and shelter -- and refuses to entertain other options for herself and your father -- take a step back. And commit to being present for your husband, adult children and grandchidren.

I can also relate to the "too much information" syndrome. A lot of that negativity came my way the past 5 years. My parents became fond of "dropping bombs" (hello -- I'm your daughter, not your shrink).....neighbors/relatives would unburden themselves.....the things I discovered when I cleaned out their house. Upsetting and demoralizing. To say the least.

Again, make every effort to rise above. Easy to say, difficult to do. When our relationship with elderly parents becomes transactional, it creates a deep sadness. The best antidote is to stay fully engaged with those who also give -- and don't just take. (((big hugs)))