My husband says he might have to quit his job and move in with his mom?

OMG, that is way too young for husband to quit job and mom to need that much help.

He's been groomed by a master manipulator. When the emotional F.O.G. is released upon them, they become like a domesticated animal with blinders on because of the power of that emotional vortex. It's very hard for him to see reality right now, but someone, somehow needs to wake him up out of that FOGy spell which is an illusion of power via emotional smoke and mirrors that go all the way back to early childhood.

I think I would approach him more like "dear I feel that you are not seeing things clearly, let's get someone to give us a third party objective opinion about what is going on here for I just don't see this like you do and it has me very, very, very upset. "

This may sound really strange to put it this way, but it is like trying to win his heart away from mom to where it belongs with you and your family at home. Thus, I don't think inflicting guilt "you are being so gosh awful selfish" or shame "you are just plain stupid to think this way" will help.

I would add a suggestion of using "I" statements when describing your own feelings.

For example, instead of saying "your thinking about quitting your job makes me angry" say something like " I feel angry and hurt when I hear you say that you are thinking about quitting your job" You are saying the same thing but tactically, starting a sentence with "you" is often heard as an attack vs starting a sentence with "I feel or am feeling" is not.

The extreme opposite of walking on eggshells when one stuffs their feelings back inside is to blow up in various minor or major rages of attacking "you statements" like "your thinking about no longer working without thinking how it will impact our whole family is stupid, makes me angry, makes me feel like you are a weak man for not being able to stand up to your manipulative mom for I'm the one you are married to, not her" That's a bunch of attacking, shameful, guilt inducing attacks.

The balanced approach to not walking on eggshells is using good tactics in saying plus owning what you feel in light of what they are or have or are thinking about doing.

That is why "I feel" statements work better than "you" statements.

The thing about attacking an emotionally blinded person in the F.O.G. is the more one attacks the more they shut down and insulate themselves from outside input which pushes them further in the wrong direction.

Bright lights, attacks, don't work in the fog, but dimmers, tactics, do.

I hope you find this helpful.

Print this out and give it to him too.

When a person who can no longer care for themselves or live alone decides that they will not allow help to come in, no matter if it is a relative or church ladies or hired help, that person is using emotional manipulation to get their way. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS!
Together with your minister or the help of your local Agency on Aging develop a plan to support her that you BOTH agree on. Present the plan to her together as a united front.
EX, "Mom we want to offer you some assistance, either we will help you to find a suitable person to come in every day and help you, or you can come to our hometown and live in this lovely apartment near us that offers, cleaning, and meals. We will help with shopping and laundry.
PERIOD. that's the offer.... take it or leave it.
Stand firm or you will find that this person takes over your whole life. It is totally irresponsible to expect the father of three college students to quit his job and put his entire family in financial jeopardy.
Please seek professional counseling!
Good luck

I strongly agree this situation seriously needs addressed because it sounds to me like he's not thinking of other people close to him. I really like the idea of printing out everything that were shared here and giving it to him, (but I would also keep a copy for myself if I were you).

I must ask you, did you know he was taking care of his mom before you married him? Any time you meet someone, it's a very good idea to really get to know them very well before you ever marry them. That's because things like you're describing can happen when you're not expecting it. I can tell you from a personal perspective that now that I learned something from here, I would seriously consider it a big red flag if a potential mate was caring for someone, knowing they could potentially make this kind of mistake and hurt whole family, and it's usually the children who will suffer the most because they'll take the biggest hit when a family splits up. I would really think twice before marrying someone who happens to be caring for a relative, especially if they happen to be the sole caregiver simply because things like you're describing can happen. This is why I should warn you what you're in for if he makes the decision to "split the sheets" and run right into trouble, leaving his family behind to fend for themselves and face poverty. These days there's more demand on families than there used to be because now we hear more and more stories about both parents working just to survive and pay the bills on top of trying to support their families. If your husband takes off, you're probably going to have lots of hindsight that you didn't have before, and things are going to start clicking. When they do, you're going to really start realizing things you never saw before, and you may actually regret some things and you may even grieve over a few things. Again, the children will definitely take the biggest hit because they will be most affected by a family split. They will suffer the most hurt because I won't be able to understand why mom and dad split. This is why it will be very important for you to be there for any children you may have, (if you have any). They are really going to need you if your husband makes a devastating mistake that affects his immediate family. It's going to leave you with more strain on extra income to support them, pay the bills and buy food. An added expense would be if you happen to decide to divorce because of this, and if you both happen to own your home and even other assets, it will probably be a very nasty divorce since both parties will be trying to take the other to the cleaners. I actually heard of nasty divorces more than once, and it seems the two parties I heard of came out on the dirty end of the stick. They were balls left with practically nothing. These are the consequences of one spouse acting on a decision that will devastate the rest of their family, because acting on bad decisions always has some kind of consequences.

Anxiouswife, hoping you will be okay.
Gentle pressure: You can say, I am really going to miss you!
Start inviting some friends over that you feel you can safely share with them. Allow the husbands to talk this out with him, turn him around.
Is there any changes, other plans? Don't give up, it is not over yet.!!
This situation would not be any less confusing and anxiety ridden if Mil were the sweetest, most honest christian woman-because it is your husband who is just wrong!

Seems to me if husband starts to commute over the weekends before quitting his job, he would get the wake-up call he so desperately needs. Two hours is just enough to fix that!

I said this earlier in the thread, but bears repeating.
Sir, ask for a leave of absence, or FMLA = Family Medical Leave of absence.
Reason:
Test run to experience the day to day with mom, and being away from your dear wife,
Can you handle it? Let a bit of time be the determining factor
How would mom fare if YOU DID NOT EXIST?
What if the commute weren't 2 hours but 6 or 8?
Why leave wife and children alone to fend for themselves while you cater for mom?
How long is this supposed to last?
A short LOA will show you, in living color, what life is at your mom's, and what you can do about it.
Visit assisted living facilities in her town.
Consider the budget.
Do not allow yourself to be manipulated like a puppet.
You're married to your wife........not to your mom.
Don't make lifetime decisions that affect your children, your wife and expect no negative consequences.
What you're teaching your kids BY EXAMPLE is: When things get tough, bend, give up, run like a scared rabbit and who cares about the future. Be a wimp and act on impulse, why not!!!
I don't think you had thought about it this way.
All you hear, resonating in your mind and heart is the plaintive cries of a full grown woman who has other options and choices.
Summary:
If you weren't here on planet earth, WHAT WOULD SHE DO?
There's your answer.
Respectfully and supporting your wife, who is distraught over this matter,
M88

I would like to jump in here, and add this comment: I agree with ladylee, and Mulata, and the others who do not think the Husband should move in with his Mother, for an extended and/or indefinite period of time. BAD IDEA !! Right now, he is reacting to his feelings of guilt and obligation and he feels that he should "Honor his Mother". I know from experience.
But if he insists on going, he really should try it out for one week or so, does he have any vacation time coming to him? And then he will find out, pretty quick, how long he can last caring for his Mother. But, if he goes, the problem is that he may decide to stick it out. So I say: DO NOT DO IT. My Mother is the same story, she will not compromise at all, and is very good at making me feel very guilty, and depressed. But in my case, my Mother has always let my brother get away with everything, and he has POA. She will not even ask him to take her food shopping when need be, because he might be busy and she does not want to bother him, so she has actually gone without food. I say, what would she do if she had never had any children, what if I and my brother did not exist?? She would have to use her savings and hire some help. Right now, my Mother is in a lot of pain, because she fell again last Thursday night. She does not have a Med alert system, she refused to get one. She called my brother, but half the time he does not answer his phone. She fell at 7:00pm, and tried to get up, of course she couldn't. She is 91 years old, and very frail, she eats very little, and refused to drink Ensure, which the Doctor told her to do. She had to crawl thru 3 rooms to get to the phone, she called my brother at 8pm, but no answer. She tried for 2 more hours to get up, and then she called me at 10pm. My brother lives 5 minutes away, I live one hour away. So I tried to call him, and left a message. Then waited 15 minutes, I called him again, he finally answered the phone. He got to her house at 10:45pm and helped her up. She did not go to the ER. Her back is so sore that she can't even sleep at night, or sit very long. She cannot get into the shower anymore, so my brother told that I should be helping her into the shower. My Mother gets dizzy and loses her balance, and will not use a walker. Long story short, she is in her house alone, and today she told me how much pain she is in. All of this could have been avoided. This is the 3rd time she has fallen and was in pain for weeks. But, she will not change her ways at all. I do feel terrible and depressed about her situation, but my brother and Mother are the same, they do not want to spend any money on outside help. My Mother is leaving her house to my brother and me, but he is already in charge of everything. He just wants the house so he can rent it out and make money. They always leave me out of all decisions. So, I am just fed up with them. My Mother is a very smart person, but not when it comes to her own health and safety. I don't know why our Parents have to cause us so much grief. I have stayed with my Mother for days and weeks at a time, for Doc visits, and to clean her house, etc. and I did this for the past 11 years, and my husband and I have spent most of our retirement money, because I gave up my job to help her.

EastEagle, since your Mom is now a major fall risk, before long she will need to move into a continuing care facility.... will she be able to pay the monthly cost from her own retirement, or will she need to apply for Medicaid?

If your Mom applies for Medicaid to help her pay for continuing care, your brother is going to be in for a huge surprise.... Medicaid will eventually become owner of Mom's house to help pay for cost of taking care of her.

My Mom was just a stubborn, no medic alert, no walker, no caregivers. She said Dad was there to take care of her.... HELLO Dad is 94 years old and a major fall risk. Denial, denial, denial. Nothing we do or say will sink in. It usually takes a crises before the elder eventually leaves the house. With my Mom, it was her last fall and the serious complications. Dad is now safely living in a senior living complex, wearing a medic alert, and using his walker 100%.

We still don't know what happened with "anxious wife", hubby and MIL,
an update would be great!
Thanks again,
M88

Mulata88, I was wondering the same thing, it's been 30 days since she last posted on this thread.

Thanks for bringing that up, Mulatta.

This is EastEagle again, I would also like to hear from "anxious wife." I wonder if any sensible decisions have been made. I would like to add one thing. I have found out that there are clues to look for, as to our Parent's state of mind. As I mentioned, my Mother is a very intelligent person, but now there are "signs" that she is not thinking rationally anymore. My Mother has 5 Grandchildren, 3 of them live hours away from her. One of them is my oldest daughter, she has 2 children, and she works during the week. She was working on weekends too, but just got a new job where she can be home on weekends. Her Husband works 2 jobs, so they provide for their children, and they do not have to ask us for any help. Also, the 2 kids are involved in weekend sports, just like all of the kids these days. Here's my point: My Mother is living in the past, she wants all of us to be around and available on the weekends so we can visit her like we used to do 30 years ago. Also, she complains about the Great Grandkids being tied up in sports, she does not believe that kids should spend so much time in these activities. She likes to have big family get-togethers at her house, and I have stayed with her for days to help her prepare for these big party. However, she insists on doing all of the food shopping and all of the cooking herself, and does not want anyone else to bring any of the food. And, she also has to go shopping to buy clothes and toys for her 3 Great Grandchildren. These past years, I have helped her do this, and I would do whatever it takes to please her. But, when we go shopping she refuses to use a cane or a walker, so it takes us hours and hours to walk thru the stores. I can tell you that it is very exhausting. But here is the newest sign that her thinking is not right: She wants to have another get-together, even though she just fell and is in so much pain that she can't sleep at all. She refuses to go to the Doctor. She also wants the extended family to be at this party at her house. She is determined to find a date, when everyone can be there. I have tried to explain that in these times, it is not possible that every single relative will be able to attend. So now she is talking about my Daughter's MIL, she said that "Pat" does not want to go to the get-together because she does not like the City of Chelsea (Massachusetts) where my Mother lives. She was saying all kinds of things about her. As I said, my Mother lives alone in a 3 family house, and Chelsea is a crime-ridden city, it is at the top of the list for the highest crime rate in Massachusetts. My Mother's house was broken into, by a strange man, but she was really lucky not to get hurt - she was actually able to talk him into leaving her house. She could have been murdered, and there were 2 shootings right on her street. My Mother refuses to move, and she won't come to my house for any party or celebration, she says she does not like the country because we have bugs in the backyard. So, this is what I listen to every day, we talk on the phone for 2 to 3 hours a day, but she will not talk about what needs to be done for her care and safety.

Maybe Anxiouswife paid a visit to Mil, the cleaning n@zi, and told her like it was going to go down, something like: "You are not going to get my husband, no way! I will fight you for him and win, so just keep your hands off him !"

Or, maybe, wanting her own house cleaned, invited the Mil over and made her clean! Somehow, I am sure there has been a resolution by now to this impending, untenable situation. So sorry she had to deal with this. No wonder she was anxious.!

Don't do it..you will increase your stress level immensely..you will wear out. get her into placement where you can visit her and she can visit you..or an in home caregiver..your heart is in the right place, but mentally, emotionally, and physically you will wear out quickly..

Anxiouswife: PLEASE COME BACK ON THIS THREAD!

I have to agree with the consensus here,it will be a huge mistake to quit your job, the only way to insure you will not be pushing a shopping cart around town like a hobo is to be payable upon death on the accounts, irrevocable trust that is probated, I see people hate probate however without court supervision a trust is exactly that TRUST, that whoever is empowered with your money can resist the temptation to pull a fast one on the family. My Grandmother came to me saying she had a family trust with $2.3 million cash that I was already 50% beneficiary of with doing nothing, I agreed and got a contract to not revoke, I spent 4 yrs caring for her, and after Feb 2011 her care became extreme 24-7 due to a Pradaxa overdose that eventually killed her, and destroyed my life unknown to me until after her death she changed the trust almost 2 yrs before she died yet never told me and used me as a slave acting like I was going to be ok our deal was still in effect! She gave my $1 million to a daughter I had in LA who was always needing $ never wanting to improve her life with any effort, always a scam or scheme, she is fighting me for my hard earned money even getting a contingency attorney to deny me any money!

Hi there. I did send a private message to Mulatta88. I've been kind of busy helping my son study for his finals. He also just got a job so I am spending time being supportive there. As for my husband, I have talked to him about it, and I know he really doesn't want to do this, he just feels torn. So, if he does bring it up again I will do as someone on this forum suggested and tell him to take a Family Leave of Absence and give it a trial run. I know for a fact that just being there on the weekends drives him crazy, so I feel two weeks would open his eyes to the futility of this. Also, I will definitely drag him over to our minister for some counselling if he brings it up again. Our minister has recently had to put his mother in assisted living, so he knows all about passive/aggressive mothers who don't want to cooperate. I feel so much better after listening to all your advice, and I thank you all very much.

From EastEagle, Hi All, I would like to add some more thoughts here. Some things to consider before moving in with his Mother. I mentioned before that I have stayed with my Mother, some times for several days, sometimes for a week at a time, and back in 2005 I stayed for 6 weeks. Here was and still is the situation at My Mother's house in Chelsea, MA: My Mother does not have a computer, or Internet service - so I had to go without any outside connection other than the phone. You may think that is a good idea - to be disconnected for awhile - but just try doing that for 6 weeks. And what if you happen to be someone who works from home on your Computer, that would be out of the question. Also, my eyesight is not that great, I wear trifocals, so we have a large flat screen TV in our home. My Mother who is blind in one eye, and her "good" eye is very blurry has refused to let us buy her a large flat screen TV. She still has a small old TV and she insists that it is good enough for her. I cannot understand how she can watch anything. So, the only thing to do at night at her house, is to try to watch what is on her old TV. Also, she is socially isolated, she has no outside hobbies or interests. No one visits her during the week. She stays in the house, 24/7. Except for her Doctor visits, or when my brother or cousin takes her food shopping. I already mentioned that she refuses to use a walker, so the shopping takes hours and hours. So you need to have tons of patience. She also refuses to go to the Senior Center, she won't even try it out for one hour. So that means no Senior Day Center either. My Mother stopped going to her Church many years ago, so she has no one to call on for help, or just for friendship. My local Church has a group of Women who provide outreach services and will help anyone who is homebound from being disabled or sick. For Example: They will cook and deliver meals to one person OR for the entire Family, and they provide rides to Doctor and/or Hospital visits. This is a wonderful outreach service to have. But, my Mother is not connected to the Church anymore. The question to ask is: What does the Mother of this Husband do all day?? Will he have to be with her 24/7 ? Is she able or willing to go out and socialize with other Seniors? Or does she stay inside the house 24/7. Is his Mother connected to the outside world? OR, is she totally disconnected in the ways that I listed, if so, then the Husband needs to be prepared to live in "The Dark Ages". This is what my husband calls it, when we visit my Mother. He will have to install FIOS or some other internet service, if is Mother does not have it. He will have to update anything in her house that needs to be updated. All of these things will cost more money. I have one good bit of news, pertaining to my Mother. My brother came to his senses, and he ordered a Medical Alert System. I am so happy and relieved about this. My Mother seems to be OK with the idea. You see, I told her that she needs to think about my Brother's health, and that she is causing him more stress now that she has been falling down. He has very high blood pressure, and he takes 3 meds for it. That seemed to get her to see the light. As I said before, She cares more about him, not about me. Also, I mentioned that my Mother lives in the City with a very high crime, and it is always noisy at night. Also, My Mother lives on the first floor, and she already had a break-in, so when I stay over at her house, I can't even sleep at night, I am so afraid that someone will come thru the windows. That is something else I have to contend with. So, these are some things to consider.

From EastEagle, sorry one more thing to add. This is about being Christian and Honoring our Parents. That is one of the 10 Commandments. I am a practicing Roman Catholic, the only one left in my Family who goes to Church. My Mother does not care about Church anymore. You do not have to be Christian, or any other Religion, to feel that it is our duty to Honor our Parents, and to feel enormous guilt if you cannot give them everything they ask for or demand of us. Most adult children feel that they have to take care of their Parents, and help them in any way possible. But, as I mentioned before, some Mothers are still trying to control us. So this is what I have learned, we owe our Parents their Due, because they gave us life. We do what we can for them or what we are able to do. But, that does NOT mean that we have to cater to them, or give in to their demands, and get sick over it. It should be a 2 way street. Our Parents also have to consider our situations and what we are able to do for them. They should not be so demanding that we are no longer happy about helping them out, and then we become very resentful.

Stop letting her have control, do what you need to do to help you help her, but first take care of yourself, she gave you life to live your life, being caregiver is exhausting and gets worse as you both age. Tough it up and don't quit your job, get a good caregiver, spend time with your family and her but not full time! I know it's hard but you have to for yourself and your family..I have a special needs adult daughter and I am elderly, and exhausted taking care of her..I've had one emotional breakdown and a trip to ER..putting her in a caregiver home is devastating to her and me, but has to be done..May God bless you for your wanting to take care of her but you are in no condition to do this... you will wear out before she does..

From EastEagle again, I have to add one more thing. As I mentioned, the good news is that I just found out that my brother ordered the Medical Alert System for my Mother, she does not seem to be upset about it, but the question remains: will she actually use it. The bad news is: she wants to go shopping for baby clothes, for her new Great Grandchild, who will not be born until November. I told my Mother that we would all take turns taking her shopping, but that she really should use a walker, it would cut out Hours and Hours from the time it takes to walk with her around the stores. Her reply is that she will take a Taxi into Boston, all by herself, the Cab driver will help her get up onto the curb. You can see that she is not thinking rationally about this at all. She does not intend to use a walker, she would be taking a great risk in going by herself. She can't see, she gets dizzy, and then her balance is off. She is just asking for trouble!! This is what I don't understand about her and other Elderly parents. Why do they have to be so unreasonable and stubborn? This is what causes me so much stress and worry.

Let her make plans to shop, the cab company probably won't take her when the driver sees how unstable she is. If she gets to the store, someone will probably call police to report her instability and confusion or you could call 911 yourself. Have you tried shopping online with her? Or try being as stubborn and you be the reasonable one to her..be as she is and tell her NO, you are not taking a cab!! You are not shopping alone, You will use your walker..Get a back bone for crying out loud..Maybe she needs placement in a careprovider home. Don't give up on keeping her safe..

Yes all!
Anxious Wife wrote me the same message she posted, and I hadn't seen it when I was posting here.
Bottom line, looks like WE helped her. Yay! That is the best thing!
Thanks again,
M88

Hi again. My MIL likes nice things, so she has internet, but being out in the country sometimes it cuts out. (But of course, I live in the city and it does too) After my FIL died she got a security system and also a home security system. Right now she has lots of money, and gives my husband some every month, trying to get rid of it before she dies. She has a couple of very nice TVs and cable--actually, her tv service is better than ours since we don't have pay TV! My issue is, and always has been--her passive aggressive way of dealing with family. She still goes to church--WHEN my husband is there. Otherwise she watches church online, as they stream the TV service. A lot of people from church check on her, and many would be more than happy to take her shopping or to doctor's appointments, or to even do something like changing a light bulb. I know because they have told us so
repeatedly when we visit, but she doesn't "want to inconvenience them". No, she saves all that for my husband. She still has a very sharp mind, and keeps in touch with the outside world with her computer through facebook and email. She would actually be easier to deal with if we had some dementia going on because then we could get a doctor involved! Anyway, I guess I'll just wait until she falls and permanently injures herself and then she'll have to make some decisions. If that happens then husband and I will have to deal with it, as she and her older son are currently living in the state of denial! I am quietly reseaching some assisted living homes in the area, as she has made it clear she doesn't want to move to our city. I'll keep you posted if there are any changes.

Anxiouswife59, this is late to the game, but just wanted to add something. If you live only 2 hours from your MIL and your husband does have FMLA hours available, instead of taking off a block of time, he may be able to split the time up. My husband did this for paternity leave -- he took a day off each week over the period of 2 months. I'm not sure all employers would do this but it's worth a try and not as big a commitment. If it is a compromise you could make, he'd have an extra day (Mon or Fri) to spend with her, see how she's doing at home, help out with repairs, possibly visit AL facilities or arrange for in home help visits without a major disruption to your marriage or his work.

What I meant to say was, a security system and a medical alert system--just in case you were confused!

Honoring your parents as an adult child is quite different than obeying your parent as a child. Some parents want to claim the two are the same. They seem to not get it that when you marry, you leave mom and dad and cleave to your spouse. You don't leave your spouse and cleave to your mom or dad when they get old. Some spouses don't get that either.

The Bible does say that if a widow has children or grandchildren, then they should take the widow into their home. I was just reading that this morning. It didn't say which child or grandchild should do it, only that God would be pleased with the loving showed. I don't think it says anywhere that the children should go to the parent's house.