My husband says he might have to quit his job and move in with his mom?

WAVE BYE BYE TO HIM!

Darn straight-this go beyond "Honor thy Father and Thy Mother!" No can or will do!

Honor your mother and father is NOT the same as cater to their every whim and obey them even if they have lost their minds and demand the impossible. That does not honor anyone.

I think he needs to be firm and persuasive with his mother---I don't know what type of work he does or your ages---but jobs are hard to find!! No sense in ruining your lives over it! Then you'll have two problems! and you obviously will be here longer!

Agreed Linda. The bible also says not to provoke/exasperate your children. We all have lives to live.

PD - "It is absolutely wrong to forfeit your own family to serve (you call it what you want but let me tell you that will be what it ends up being) your mother's whims." Totally true. I see that my mother has the care she needs but will not/cannot cater to her whims. She would have me running here and there and changing her mind when I am in mid stride. I would have no life.

MaryK - there is no limit to the age one will benefit from exercise. Just doing more than you are doing now is an achievable goal for everyone,

Johnjoe - that may be ideal for some people, but those of us who have and have had mentally ill, self centered parents from the get go can end up in an untenable situation.

jessie - ". I wonder if we're indeed enabling a life that is not so good." I think that is true. Though your mother does not like the idea of a facility, she would have more activities, more social life, more and professional people caring for her, no cares about upkeep/maintenance and so on. Please know I am not criticizing the care you give her and I know it is very hard on you. I am looking at these things for myself. If I find it too hard to deal with upkeep, it is time to move to where the upkeep is someone else's responsibility, not harass my children to take over my responsibilities.

The idea of honoring one's parents seems to have become an open ended expectation that the child needs to do whatever the parent wishes. There is no balance - the needs of the child, the child's responsibility to their own spouse (which is covered in the Bible right along with the honoring the parents), and to the child's own family get superceded by the parent's wishes. When parents decide to remain at home, refuse outside help and carry on as always, the end result is they make a choice for their child as well. Small wonder we enter own own senior years worn out and with health issues.

I'm there already. I responded to this a while ago, yet by then I hadn't made a decision, now I'm here, with my mom and thought sharing my experience a little might help you. To recap, I'm an only child that lived in the US, single, 44 years old with a successful career, my own home, car, etc. My mom lived by herself overseas since my dad passed away in 2006. My mom is also a cancer surviver, although she is not being checked, as she should. Hasn't been for about 3 years, so we really don't know where we stand. She's other illnesses which make her pretty incapable of really doing all needed to be done to keep up her house or even keep herself up. She's 82, although ill, has the strongest spirit and will I've ever seen.
I struggled terribly with the guilt for years, the one in my conscience and the one she made me feel every time we spoke on the phone (2 times a day). My life was miserable, my brain so tired that it affected my job, my spirit so sad. So o took the dreaded step, the one everyone told me I shouldn't. I rented my house, sold my car, sold everything, and moved overseas with her. Ih, forgot to mention I tried hiring people to stay here but never worked. They all left, sometimes their fault, but many times my mom's ways pushed them out the door.
So now, I can say I cook for her so she's at least eating. Before I used to call and it could be 9am and she hadn't eaten at all or she'd say she had literally nothing to eat (also tried delivering food..she got upset and cancelled it. I think she felt it was the "easy way for me" to just buy the service. Plus she's picky with food.
Summarizing, did I succeed? Was it the right decision? Yes, because every situation is different. I know now my mom truly couldn't be by herself, and also know taking her with me never worked. But, take into account, I'm single, I'm not sacrificing anybody else but me. And yes, it's a huge sacrifice. The financial uncertainty is more than scary (no job yet here, terrible evonomy), personally I'm living for her and it's a 24/7 job, yet, for me and my conscience it was the only way to take. I struggled a lot, risked my own health. Now I'm far from happy, I'm very tired, very afraid of the future but I know it was the right thing. Is she happy? No, she's taken care of but not happy. Never will be, when you're old and depressed that is an almost unattainable goal, plus she feels guilty because I sacrificed all for her, she repeats she wants to die. In a nutshell, these situations are rarely a win win. The options are all imperfect and someone has to sacrifice, a lot. It's important to realize that whichever option taken, it will not be fully "it". Happiness almost has to either be postponed or recreated. If able. If nothing else, at least the physical needs are being helped, and the one worst enemy of all mitigated:loneliness. She's no longer lonely.
Every situation is a different universe, but look at mine, foresee what could happen in your situation, and hopefully make the less harming decision. God bless!

PhoenixDaughter: You're absolutely right. You cannot let caregiving consume you, else you'll be good to no one!

IF I HEAR COUCHED WORDS LIKE OBLIGATION OR DUTY (AND YOU CAN WRAP THEM UP ANY WAY YOU WANT BUT THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE SAYING) THEN I WILL SCREAM. The good book says honour your father and mother.... It does not say give up your life, remove any possibility of preparing for your own retirement needs and what is more sacrifice your own family's well being into the bargain.

That you love and cherish your partner and care for them is part of the marriage ceremony - to the best of my knowledge I didn't have to sign anything to be born to my parents....although, since I am adopted they actually did have to sign something to have me!)

It is absolutely wrong to forfeit your own family to serve (you call it what you want but let me tell you that will be what it ends up being) your mother's whims. Yes she is being incredibly selfish, AND yes she is being manipulative.

How to honour her properly, Make sure you find her the best care facility you can and take her there. Then give her the option.... she either accepts help form the church together with paid in house care or she goes into a care home or she comes to stay with you - her call - in fact knowing what I know now I wouldn't give her the choice I would say care home and then monitor that she is safe and well looked after - that's how to honour your obligation (PS THERE IS NO OBLIGATION) to your mother

Linda, I agree. Johnjoe's advice was about the worst I've ever seen unless the caregiving child is wealthy enough to do it. The advice is a bit like "give up you own life and face the future in poverty so you parent can stay hidden away in a home." It is what my mother is doing. I wonder if we're indeed enabling a life that is not so good. They may feel comfortable, but the community changes. There are no friends and no activities. What if they had to move to a senior community? They may actually have friends, instead of falling back on the comfort of something that does not serve their needs as well.

Older people can fear change, but change can actually be a good thing.

Johnjoe, this isn't as simple as making chances to honor one's parent and her wishes. If this man quits his job, he and his family will be in a precarious financial position. He will undoubtedly have expenses at his mom's, while also maintaining his own home. It will be difficult for him to get another job later. He may well lose his health insurance. He's also forgoing adding to his own retirement fund.

Our Elders love Their own Home simply because They feel safe there. They mantain independence and They know where every thing is. Their Home is a House of memories because it's there that Their Children were Conceived, Born and reared. This is where They have so many beautiful memories stored. AnxiousWife59 You will understand Your Mother in Law as You grow into old age, but You are still young. You say Mother in Law is frail, so this is very likely Her last wish, and Your Son wants to honour His Mom. Let it be, don't fight it, go with it and support Your Husband and Mother in Law. This time will not last and before You know it Mother in Law will be gone and You will ponder and wonder to Yourself, what was all the fuss about.

So many times seniors (and I are one) don't realize if they exercise they can build their strength and become more stable with exercise. I belong to a senior exercise class at a gym. Surprising how exercising keeps me able to get up off the floor without having to crawl over to a chair or something.

My late aunt used to hang on to my arm and she was a foot or more shorter than me. She didn't have any strength and was never a "doctor person," in my mother's words.

Will I kick that walker away from me when it is finally placed in front of me years down the road? Yea, probably. Truth is, though, I will be mighty glad to have it because it may, quite likely, stop me from a fall!

It is sadly not uncommon for people to perceive an assistive device like a walker as making them less able and independent. It is an image issue. The truth is the device makes them safer and more independent, while hanging on to another person or just using furniture or walls instead is limiting and dependent. No easy answer to this, but it really is a terrible misconception from the rehab doc point of view, that robs people of the ability to mobilize and participate as fully in life as possible.

Easteagle, Blannie has the right idea. I ended up making mother's doctor's appts. that way I could schedule everything. If she won't let you, that is up to her. So, she doesn't "Want" outside aids. Well, la-de-dah! We don't always get what we want. I want a well trained team of Brabant Draft horses and the land to keep them on. I am not going to get them. I am not going to be 40 again either. As hard as it is, believe me, the world will not end if you tell her "no". I was in therapy and when the therapist told me to say "no" to my mother and husband, I couldn't do it. Every week he would ask me, "Did you tell them NO?" I couldn't. So, I had the same homework for the next week. It took 3 weeks before I was able to stand up for myself. If she falls and breaks her hip, it is not your fault. When mom started getting feeble I couldn't stand for her to touch me. She would wobble and try to hang on to me, and I just couldn't let her touch me. I finally got to where I could touch her, but I refused to help her because she wouldn't help herself by using a walker or cane. You have many hugs from me. hug, hug, hug,

east, this is probably one of my biggest frustrations - that when we help our parents, they need to realize that we still have all the responsibilities of our own lives. We are trying to integrate their needs into an often already packed calendar with jobs, spouses, family and yes, our own health issues.

easteagle, I've run into both issues - not using assistive devices and making appointments that conflict. On the appointments, your mom will either need to talk with you about your schedule or hire a caregiver to take her. But it's really not fair to schedule appointments and then expect you to rearrange your schedule so she can keep hers. When we sign on to help our parents, everyone needs to compromise, not just the "kids". On the walker - if parents want to be imprudent with their own safety, that's their call. But they can't risk your safety by their choices. If she insists on holding your arm, if she falls, you're going to try to catch her. The potential for injury to you is great -you could also fall, you could injure your back. I had to insist with my mom that she use assistive devices (including a gait belt) when with me because I would not allow her choices to cause me to get hurt. It's a non-negotiable point. And yes, she does need to get a care agency on board because your husband's health needs will make you less available to her.

I don't understand what the big problem is - simply reschedule the appointment. I worked for a non-profit that used volunteer drivers to take seniors to their doctor appointments. Appointments were changed all of the time. Not a biggie. So she might have to wait another couple of weeks - your MOM has put herself in this situation. Don't make it YOUR problem - that's what you keep doing over and over again from what I'm reading. You don't have to solve your mom's problems! Quit taking on that impossible responsibility. Let mom figure it out by rescheduling. Not a big deal!! And certainly not worth getting sick over yourself. You know that 30-40% of caregivers die before their loved ones, right? Don't be a part of that statistic because you're trying to satisfy an unhappy woman who is determined to be miserable.

EastEagle, I know that sick feeling as I use to get that starting the day before I needed to drive my parents to a doctor appointment... it got to a point where I became fearful of driving... told my parents about that and it just went in one ear and out the other with them saying "but who will drive us?"..... [sigh].

If I could roll back the clock, those 7 years of driving I should have nipped it in the bud and set boundaries if I would have known it was going to damage my own health. Who knew. All I was doing was enabling my parents to continue to live in their house and here they were in their 90's. Mom refused outside help. If my parents would have moved to a senior complex, in a nice really large apartment, the complex offered transportation... plus there were several doctors on-site with their own office.

My Dad has similar eye problems as your Mom, he can't see out of one eye due to macular degeneration and his other eye they are trying to slow down the progression. Since my Mom had passed, Dad now has a morning caregiver who loves to get out and drive, so she is more than happy to drive Dad to appointments, whew.... then they go to Burger King as Dad really enjoys having lunch there :)

Hi again from EastEagle, Thank You All Again - for your awesome advice. as I mentioned before, today I tried to ask my Mother, very nicely, to please consider using a walker for her Doctor visits etc., but she came up with very lame excuses. It is actually pretty dangerous for her to walk outside, with one blind eye, and her balance is bad. But she insists that as long as someone helps her, then she does not need to use the walker. She has a very important Eye Specialist apt. this Monday, these Eye Doc visits are crucial to her eyesight, since she is blind in one eye, the Docs are working to keep the sight in her "good" eye. She made the appointment for 9:20 am. which means that I would never get to her house on time to take her there, unless I got up at 3 or 4 am. and still not sure that I would get there. But, there is no way that I can take her to this visit anyway - for several reasons. My husband has his own Doctor visit, and he is not doing well at all. My Mother relies on just one other person, my Cousin who lives right near her. But, this Cousin who said that she would take my Mother, now says that she might be going away that same week. And, to top it off, my Mother pays this Cousin to take her to the Doctors, she gives her $100.00 if they are driving into Boston. My Mother also gives her $20.00 each time my cousin takes her just down the street to the drug store. So, my Mother was going to ask my brother yesterday, but while he was at her house, she forgot to ask him. She called him at work today, but he did not tell her that he is going away, he is leaving for Mexico on Monday, and coming back on Thurs. He only told me about this trip when I called him today. You see, he is a Mechanical Engineer in Research and Development, and he works for Hologic Inc. the company that designs and makes the 3D Mammogram machines, and the company is moving the manufacturing to Mexico and the machines will be made there, up until now, they were being made in Bedford, Massachusetts. So anyway, the problem is that my Mother has no one else to take her, since she does not want outside home health aides. However, she does not mind taking a taxi, but only if the cab driver is able to help her get up onto the curb, and then he has to help her get into the building. She might be OK, once she gets inside the Doctor's office. So now, I have a real problem. And when I found out about all this today, I started to get sick again, from stress. I have had bad stomach problems in the past, and it is all coming back now, plus I have a heart condition. My brother said that she should change her appointment, but this visit is so crucial. I think my Mother is relying too much on too few people. Can I ask for advice again, what happens in such a situation? Is this a result of my Mother's refusal to use an Elder care agency? What does anyone do in this situation, any advice for me?? Thanks All

MaryKathleen, yes I have seen those, the bar where one can rest their back looks very comfortable.

I think it is so important that if one needs to use something to make walking easier, that it be fun to use. I remember last year going to a doctor appointment with my parents, the office was a very long hallway away... Mom had her cane, Dad had his rolling walker and Dad got to the door of the doctor's office like a flash while Mom struggled to walk down the hall with me holding her arm... there was Dad sitting in his walker all smiles waiting for us :)

Freqflyer, I have a Drive Nitro walker. The frame is rectangle instead of being round. I had it pinstriped. I wish you and your dad could see a picture of it. I guess I am off subject but I had to mention it. I love taking it out.

EastEagle, I bought my Dad one of those rolling walkers which had a seat, basket and hand brakes... oh my gosh, you'd think I had bought him a Shelby Mustang he was so happy with it. He couldn't wait to get outside to show it off. Those rolling walkers are so nice and comfortable to use, I wouldn't mind having one myself :)

But my Mom refused to even try Dad's walker. In fact, Mom didn't even want my Dad to use it outside when he needed to walk down the driveway to the mailbox. She didn't want the neighbors to think he was getting old [94].... I was thinking the neighbors probably would be thinking "well, it's about time he got one of those" as he had fallen on the driveway quite a few times.

Regarding your brother, he might be surprised when it comes time for Mom to go to a higher level of care [if you can convince her to move], that Mom would need to sell the house and use the equity to help pay for that care.

There may be sound reasons for brother spending to keep the house in good shape. It is a legitimate use of Mom's money that won't be considered "gifting" as it does make the place nicer for her, as well as serving as investment for the day when it may be sold. Sorry to her your mom is so resistant to the use of a little rehab technology that would make everyone's life better! Mine was like that with everything except the walker - she REALLY did not want to fall again after she'd been through two broken hips, so she used that religiously. She wore her eyeglasses as she'd had those lifelong - but page magnifiers, anything computerized, forget it. My sympathy!

I am so sorry for you.

EE it is very hard being the 24/7 caregiver and to have siblings that rarely, if at all,. Offer assistance, respite, or even a thank you for caring for mon. Untio these siblings walk in our shoes they wiol never GET IT! Trust your bro and let him know you appreciate him.

From EastEagle to All: Thank You all so much, for your great advice. And about the info on Dementia: I did not realize that my Mother could actually have it - which could be affecting her behavior and causing all of these problems for her. Believe it or not, at this late date: I just started to get the courage to speak up to her, and speak my mind, and I decided that I have to stop being so afraid of my Mother, and what her reaction would be. I am still so afraid of offending her feelings, and I don't want to seem disrespectful to her, but yesterday, I just came right out and said to her: if you would be willing to use your walker, maybe Paul (my brother) would be more willing to take you food shopping or other places that u want to go. Her answer was, No, because he would have to put the walker in his car and take it out again and the one that she has does not fold up, and it would cause too much trouble for him to do that. I said, she could get one of the new walkers, that fold up easily. I told her how I went to the Eye Doctor, and I saw several people - years younger than my Mother - all with their walkers, and they had the new models which I call the "sports car" style of walkers. They come in bright colors, with all the bells and whistles. She is totally against it, even though her PC Doc told her to use a cane or a walker, since her balance is really bad now. So, she is not going to listen to me. So, my Mother and Brother are locked into this bitter, dysfunctional battle of wills. He will not take her shopping, and she will not try to make it easier for him by using a cane or walker. Her house is another issue. My brother considers it to be his house, and he is doing a lot of repairs to it. I am never included in these decisions. I just told my Mother that I am going to disclaim this inheritance. she will not take my name out of her will. I do not care about money, houses, or inheritances. This causes more grief for everyone. I cannot believe how my Brother cares more about the house than our Mother. I find it very disgusting. And I mentioned before, when I try to call my brother with my concerns about our Mother, and some suggestions for her, he refuses to call me back, and will not talk to me. I am just livid over it. Thanks again everyone.

Bablou is right. Many old-age personality tics are actually symptoms of dementia.

With my mother, they were all right under my nose. Rigid thinking. Unable to switch focus. Fixated on the "right way" to do this or that, but could not execute and went ape-sh*t if someone else stepped in. Lost interest in what few things ever interested her. Paranoid. Control freak. Anti-social. Deliberately made her world astonishingly small.

I kept thinking that it couldn't be dementia. She always knew the day, the president, current events. Still a math whiz.

She was always a low-grade control freak. I figured she was just becoming "more herself" with age.

Fast forward. Autopsy revealed 2 different forms of dementia. I almost fell out of my chair. Why autopsy? Refused to see a doctor for any of her escalating issues. (Control freak, remember?)

Whatever is going on with your mom, it sounds like she will wear it like a badge of honor. While you increasingly feel like you are one step from the nuthouse.

These years will wear you down. If mom has food, clothing and shelter -- and refuses to entertain other options for herself and your father -- take a step back. And commit to being present for your husband, adult children and grandchidren.

I can also relate to the "too much information" syndrome. A lot of that negativity came my way the past 5 years. My parents became fond of "dropping bombs" (hello -- I'm your daughter, not your shrink).....neighbors/relatives would unburden themselves.....the things I discovered when I cleaned out their house. Upsetting and demoralizing. To say the least.

Again, make every effort to rise above. Easy to say, difficult to do. When our relationship with elderly parents becomes transactional, it creates a deep sadness. The best antidote is to stay fully engaged with those who also give -- and don't just take. (((big hugs)))