All because she won't leave her house? Her husband died of cancer this past July. She has lived in this small town(2 hours from our home) all her life and doesn't want to leave, but she is so frail that she never leaves the house on her own. She won't let people from church help. She won't let ME help because I am not a cleaning nazi like her. My husband has one brother but due to health issues he ius unable to help at all. I know as Christians we are to care for our parents, but shouldn't they give a little? It is all about her. She feels she provided care for others when she was younger, and now it is her turn. OK, but those people lived with her. Why can't she see she should move in with us?

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freqflyer, that fit in perfectly to what I was about to write. Anxiouswife, what your MIL is asking your husband to do is give up everything he has and potentially face a life in poverty in old age so she won't face the inconvenience of having to move. She may have provided care for them as kids, but they were a lot smaller and a lot more fun. It was a lot easier to put them in daycare and school or send them out to play. And when kids are bad you can spank their bottoms without someone calling APS. It is a totally different thing. When parents say that the kids owe it to them, it is just emotional blackmail and very unfair.
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Anxiouswife59, DO NOT BRING HER INTO TO YOUR HOME, I REPEAT, DO NOT BRING HER INTO YOUR HOME! This would be the Absolute Worst thing that you could ever do! After 12 years of having my FIL age in my home, he is now 86, and declining rapidly. I am completely fed up, and am ready to walk away, despite my Loving my husband to no end! But I'm at my breaking point, and have realized it, so now the pressure is on to help my husband come to a decision on how to proceed. I honestly don't think my husband would like to even have caregivers come into our home to help, as he is a very private person, and I know he would hate it! So that obviously leaves, my FIL, having to go to assisted living, or a nursing home. The time is coming nearer and nearer, and am just waiting for the crisis to hit, that may be my salvation. I think I may be needing to go to stay with one of my sisters for a couple of days, as I'm about to implode, and can feel my BP rising, which is not a very good feeling, and is quite worrisome. Please think of every possible option, before he quits his job, which could spell disastrous to you both! Your marriage is Way more important, than his mother, who has already lived here life. Don't let her take yours!
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"Gee mom, if you trip and fall, you probably won't die. You'll just break your hip and end up on the floor for several hours, or days, because you won't llet anyone come in to help. So you'll end up in whatever hospital EMS takes you to, and then, whatever rehab the hospital sends you to, because you don't want anyone's help. And from there, you'll go to long term care, wherever the rehab wants to send you, because you clearly don't want to make any of your own choices about this. If you make the choice to spend your funds on home care, or care at a nice place either here or near me, a fall could still happen, but youd8have people around to help you.

I'm willing to work with you mom, but not willing to wreck my marriage, my life, my retirement and my children's college. I love you, but you are not the only responsibility in my life right now. You raised me to honor ALL the commitments in my life."
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As Christians, spouses come before parents - leave and cleave... Agree with babalou - have hubs talk with your minister.

Agree with the others - no one should give up a job to care give their parent unless they are well set up for their retirement. I retired at 73 as the demands of a job and caregiving mother were too much for me, BUT, I was very well set up for my retirement as I had worked well past usual retirement age and I was a distance care giver.

Your mil is refusing help from others in a power play to get your hub to move in with her. Don't fall for it. Have him read the responses here and also other stories of similar situations. Do NOT offer her to move in with you - she would want to rule your roost and it would rapidly become intolerable for you.

There are other alternatives. As ff and windy have said - sometimes you have to wait for a crisis before the elders will accept changes. So be it. It is her choice. She needs to experience the consequences of her choices and not have your hub cave in to her. Have you thought about counselling for the two of you? I wonder how much of a priority his mother has been to your hubs all along - or is this a new thing? Quitting your job to go live with your aging mother is pretty drastic, Many men would run 10 miles in the opposite direction from that situation.
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Either option would probably be a disaster. You want a cleaning n@zi in you house? Let us know how that works out for y'all. You guys need to tough this out. Read all the horror stories on this forum about taking in elderly grouchy and stubborn parents.

My parents also refuse any help. I do what I can but I'm not going to give up my life to care for them for the next God knows how many years. And I certainly don't expect my wife to take this on. There will be a crisis that forces the issue with them and that's the way this usually goes.
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Whatever happens, make sure that hubby does NOT quit his job. I have information on another computer and I will post it here later as to the downfall of quitting one's job.

The way I look at this, your Mom-in-law is making a clear minded decision not to move out of her house, thus she needs to take full responsibility of that decision. Thus, she will need to continue to live by herself.

Usually it takes a crises before our parent(s) have a wake-up call that they really do need help and need to be living elsewhere. A team of wild horses couldn't budge my parents from their house or having people come in to help them, and here they were in their 90's.... and I refused to even thing about moving in [they never asked] as I still needed to keep my career going so that I would have enough for my own retirement.

I will get back to you later.
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It says " honor your father and mother". Not "leave your wife to provide hands on care for your parents". Have hubby talk to his minister.
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Thanks for all the comments. I do want to get my husband to go with me and talk to our minister. To the person who suggested my marriage is rocky, let me assure you that is not the case. His mother is just a master manipulator, and he feels caught in the middle. We married in our mid 30s and yes, we are right in the middle of the crunch I hear people talking about--3 kids in college right now. He says he doesn't WANT to leave but doesn't know what else to do. I'm hoping that a talk with our minister will help him see that this is her problem. She's even said stuff like: Well, maybe I'll trip and break my neck and die and then you won't have to worry about me. That jack doesn't work with me because my mama was a pro at that stuff, and I finally learned to turn it back on her by saying, well yeah, mama, that would be great, that would save me a lot of trouble. Never argue with a manipulator--but my husband is too tender hearted. Thanks for this forum. It makes me know I am not alone!
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Rosses, I realize that discussion of varying points of view is one of the greatest strengths of this forum. In that spirit, I need to tell you that I don't share your opinion. I don't think that living apart (and trying to manage on one income), with the husband struggling to deal with his needy mom and AnxiousWife trying to hold down the home front, doing all of the home tasks alone and on a reduced income, could possibly result in any benefit to the couple's marriage. As for the husband being "only" two hours away and therefore able to pop home for visits, I sincerely doubt that will be possible. His mom will surely feel entitled to his services and will object vigorously to any interruption in said services. He could even be charged with elder abuse/neglect if he moves in to care for her and then leaves her alone for several days. And there is absolutely no guarantee that the mom/mother-in-law will feel one bit happier. She may be at a point in her life (perhaps she has always been at that point) where she just isn't going to be happy. As for the presumed emotional/spiritual benefits to the couple of doing the "right" thing (and in my opinion, this ISN'T the right thing), those may very well be fleeting. I'm at the point now where I'm beginning to think "it's him [Dad] or me." My husband and I can't relax and enjoy our retirement because we have to deal with one issue or crisis after another. My health, both emotional and physical, has suffered. The spiritual benefit at this point seems mainly that I'm confronted daily with my human weaknesses and lack of perfection. If I could say, "Stick a fork in me; I'm done [with this nerve-shattering task]" and make it so, I certainly would. But it's hard to quit when there is no successor.
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I agree with the others who advise against your husband quitting his job to take care of his mother full time, but I would suggest a conciliatory approach to dealing with his concern and anxiety.

I'm sure he's torn between what he feels is his obligation to his mother and his obligation to his job and to you and your marriage. So sympathize with him, feel sorry for him, support him to recognize that quitting his job would be disastrous for him, you and your marriage.

Try to work with him to help him recognize that she's made a choice, that it takes conciliation on the part of all when an elderly parent needs care, but she's not willing to make any concessions. That's a clue of what's to come.

My initial thought was tell him if he leaves to take care of his mother, he can leave for good, but then I realized how torn he must feel, and taking an arbitrary position could push him closer to her.

Find some time to spend with him doing something relaxing, perhaps a meal out, quiet long walk, or just a quiet evening, and share your concerns, as well as the reports and stories of those here who have been through this.

I hope you're able to find a middle ground to support him and help him realize that he would be committing himself to her for the rest of her life, and despite his love and sense of obligation, there will come a time when he feels differently.

Tgengine is a poster here; he's a man who didn't quit his job, but brought his father to live in his home. If you have some time, read his first posts, his positive approach then, then skip to his most recent posts expressing his frustration.
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