Pick and choose. My husband told me that my mother cannot live with us anymore or he will be the one to leave. Who do I choose?

Hi Kinnella, I do know what you are going through, although my husband isn't going anywhere he does want Mom somewhere else by this fall. (his mother moved to a senior community this spring) I talked to my siblings about it and we looked at assisted living. We found a very nice place, took Mom for a visit, but when we talked to Mom about living there she cried...said we were trying to get rid of her.. asked my other sibs if she could live with them....it was horrible. One of my sisters who is unemployed and in poor health decided Mom could come live with her. I told my sister if it gets to be too much she needs to say so, I feel bad about the whole situation. It's stressful taking care of a parent and it's especially hard to be caught in the middle.

I would would suggest you look at your life and decide what your priorities are. Mine is my husband and our children, our physical, mental and financial well being. Then comes our Mothers and their needs...

Would your brother be able to take your Mom for a while, maybe with some home health care or hospice.

I am sorry to hear what you are going through, dealing with my husbands stress and frustrations was much harder than caring for Mom, but then we'd had no problems before Mom moved in with us. I am also sure our Mothers would not want to cause an estrangement in our marriage.

You aren't alone but there is no easy answer that I know of. Wish you the best.

I wonder how many of these aging parents would've given up their spouses were they in the same position. When you get married, your first priority is that marriage. As long as a parent isn't starving, or living on the street they are no longer FIRST. When a parent finally dies, do you want to be left alone in an empty house because you drove your spouse away? And heck yes, if it were the other way around and I told my husband that it was either his mother or me, I would fully expect him to choose his wife, as he would expect that from me. Doesn't mean I love my mom and dad any less either.

Kinnella, I am wondering how long your mother has been with you and WHY she is with you. Can she or the family afford for her to live elsewhere? I also wonder how good your relationship with your husband was BEFORE your mother moved in. I hope your husband isn't just using your mother as an excuse to leave you; this would make his leaving all YOUR fault (according to him) if you choose to continue to keep your mother in your house. Is your husband the jealous type that doesn't like you giving attention to anyone else or is your mother taking an inordinate amount of your time and attention and leaving you little for you and your relationship with your husband? If your relationship with your husband has changed for the worse since your mother moved in, and he is threatening to leave if your mother isn't moved out, then you have to decide what is best for YOU. Which choice will you regret the most? Your mother WILL survive in a good care facility but if your husband leaves, your marriage probably won't survive. As someone else advised - don't let feelings of guilt control your decision. When you married your husband, you probably said in the vows that you would cleave only onto him. If you regret that vow now then you know that probably down deep you want to choose your mother over your husband. But remember that after your mom has passed on and left you alone, life will continue on for you. Do you want to spend it without your husband? Have you had a good marriage up to the point where your mother moved in? Has it been a good life? So many caregivers come to the place where they face the question "Do I have to give up my life to care for my aging parent?" I believe the answer is "No ' - I don't believe anyone owes a parent their life. As adult children, we should look after our parents the best way we can taking into consideration how this affects others in the immediate family. Your mother is ONE person and HER needs are no more important than yours or your husband's. A balance must be struck: may you find the balance. Good luck and best wishes. Please keep all of us posted as to how you are doing. lcs

In our situation, we had no choice but to bring my mom to our house. She had no money yet she has a house but it is her parent's home (in an estate). My brother was not caring for her at her home as we thought and she got really ill. She ended up weeks later in a skilled nursing facility, as a rehab after a hospital visit, and loved it more than I would have ever thought. She loved the "country-style" food, which I don't make, the bingo ( and other activities), and how sweet everyone was to her, plus, they all thought she was sweet, which that "cute" little way about her (rebelliousness) is not so cute when you are her daughter and granddaughters. She also had physical therapy and occupational therapy which helped her to be more independent when she came back. So I have changed my opinions about nursing homes, assisted living, maybe some of them aren't so terrible. I think you have to be careful and visit...and really investigate what's going on, but most of the caregivers I have met want to treat people the way they would want to be treated. Look for places where people you know (or know of) work. I think you might have to visit them often and long enough at a time to really see if there are any unusual changes in behavior (uti's in elderly women are common for worsening dementia (Alheizmer's) and sometimes that is the only "symptom" so you have to be around a bit to be able to tell if it is worsening. And maybe you could just do it occasionally to give yourself a break (called respite care). I think back about what my mother would have wanted if I had asked her years before instead of what she is saying right now when she is maybe afraid and clingy. Years ago she would have not wanted to be an imposition to me or our family...she doesn't like it now either but sometimes they are afraid what will happen and maybe that you'll abandon them and they just need to see it will be okay. But I do believe you should care for her and yet not neglect your family, just draw your boundaries (read the book by Cloud and Townsend...Boundaries), and make your priorities, which are very hard to do if you are busy with the mundane, everyday tasks and can't get away and have a clear mind. Start with a week of respite care...sometimes Medicare will pay for it I think to give the caregiver a break...I think I heard 5 days at a time...it is worth it to us to pay the extra day or two and she is looking forward to going again while we go out of town to see a brand new grandbaby. Always, pray about it.

I am sorry to read this, what it it were your husband, child, or his parents, would he say the same? He should be so proud of you, not making you draw the line between them. I know my husband and children are very proud of me, even thou it takes a toll on the entire family. Daycare, sitters, etc, what else can you do. If she can acclimate to another place, great, but if not, your hands are tied and its not fair. I am so sorry to read this. Hugs to you.

How would your husband feel right now if it were he that needed the care and you just walked out on him? He needs a reality check. Anyone who gives you ultimatums of this magnitude may not be worth keeping....just sayin'
Lilli

Lilliput,

An equivalent question would be if kinnella's MIL was living in their house and she felt like she could not take it anymore because he was neglecting her for his mother and no longer felt like she was really his wife, wouldn't she be justified in giving the same type of ultimatum?

The deeper issue here is about boundaries which change or should change after you get married. Ya not ya mama's little girl or little boy anymore!

I am currently the only possible caregiver for my sick aging mother, She has lung cancer and is on dialysis due to kidney failure. My wife hates her but there is no other place that mom can go. Her insurance will not cover long term nursing facilities and her social security is too much to get state aid. I fear there is no way to keep my marriage and care for mom but I simply have no choice. HELP

Luvmom: thank you for your response. Although I don't mean to offend anyone, I have to agree COMPLETELY with Luvmom when she stated, if it were HIS mother would he say the same thing?

I can't imagine putting my mother in last place in my life. Were it not for her, I would not have MY life, and although there were many trying times with my mother here, since she has passed I haven't felt any guilt for what I 'should have done', because I know we did all we could for her.

My husband was my biggest helper, and without him I would never have been able to help Mom as much as we did. I would do the same (have already) for his mother should the need be there. I found that you can tell how a man will treat you by how they treat their mother, and I think the same is true for us. As a woman, I would try to explain to this husband that your mother is very important to you, and his demand is not possible, BUT that together you both could look into getting some help for Mom and your family from other resources.

If there are other family members that are not helping, have a family meeting WITH your husband so he can explain the drain on your family. Get outside help from the elder affairs services in your area for respite and help.

I am not saying that anyone should 'ignore' their family over their mothers needs, but I could sit here and think of thousands of times my mother gave up something to help me and my siblings. Helping her was my pleasure, even when it very difficult.

i agree with waterstone- when my hubby started getting edgy i made sure mom gets up earlier and is in bed when he gets home make sure i get sitter once a week to go on dates and i dont complain to him cuz then he gets mad and wants me to make my brother who has his name on her house sell it and give me her share to help take care of her. i cant do it with a clear conscious cuz her $700 a month is more than enough to take care of her needs. so i complain to others-at least my brother i now helping out-staying the weekend so me and hubby can go camping this weekend