I've been taking care of my parents in our home but now my husband just retired and is not happy with this arrangement. What do I do?


I've been taking care of them for over 5 years. My husband didn't seem to mind until now. He has just retired & now is not happy with this arrangement. He has become very jealous. I have tried to make as much time for him as possible, but it never seems to be enough. Between worring about my parents & him, I am always on edge. My mother is blind, so that doesn't help matters.

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It's easy to see why your husband feels this way and why you are feeling caught in the middle. Had this never come up before? I'm sure it was a shock to you if he had never mentioned it before. I would have been thinking I was going to have some help and now here we have what must feel like an insurmountable problem. Perhaps your husband thought he could handle it and now realizes he can't. It's a problem for all four of you. Not just your husband. Has he been supporting all of you these past five years? If your parents don't want to go into senior housing what are their alternatives? What ideas does your husband offer?
Hopefully your husband will help you find the answer and not just complain.
Perhaps you could start by having area on aging come in and assess the level of care your parents require and perhaps offer some suggestions for your area. I would be sure to have husband be part of the assessment and discussion. Acknowledging your husbands request by taking action might go a long way in helping him adjust to his new situation. Hopefully he will join with you in finding the solution instead of feeling like he's not as important to you as your parents are. Let us know how you work it out.
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Omaof6, the financial burden falls on your parents, not you nor your siblings.   None of your retirement should be spent on your parents, otherwise you and hubby won't have anything for yourself.   I hope your parents are paying something for living in your house.   Rent or at least utilities or groceries.

If your parents are in their 80's or 90's, they will refuse to go to a continuing care facility because they remember back a half century ago when such places were asylums.   They have no idea that today's continuing care places are like living in a hotel.   My parents were the same way.

My Mom refused to move from her own house.   It wasn't until she passed that two weeks later Dad was ready to pack and move to senior living.   My gosh, he loved it there.... he said he wished he would had there years earlier :)   He was around people of his own age group, and a lot of new sets of ears to listen to his stories.

Sometimes there comes a time when the elder aren't given a choice because they aren't processing what is going on with their health.
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My dad does take care of my mom most of the time. The problem is they both have their health issues; heart, seizures, asthma. They absolutely refuse to go in an assisted living or anything else. My only sibling lives 6 hours away & as she says, "I work and can't help out". She won't even help financially. This burden falls solely on me. My husband wants just to do things with me; go out, watch tv, be alone, etc.
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Omaof6, we understand what you are going through.   What are the medical issues with your parents besides your Mom being blind?   Is your Dad able to take care of her say if they moved into senior housing?   If not, then there is Assisted Living, but would that be in their budget?

What about a professional caregiver who could come into your home a couple times a week for a couple of hours, to help free up your time?

Now hubby is home, and he is bored because he's not going to work.   Even if your parents weren't there, you yourself will still have to do all the housework unless you can have hubby pitch in to help you, to give you more free time.   My sig other isn't much on housework, you'd think I was asking him to scale Mount Rushmore.   Then he wonders why I am too tired to go out to do things :P

Any chance hubby could do volunteer work at something he really enjoyed?   My parents volunteered at the local hospital 3x a week, up into their late 80's and early 90's.   They really loved doing the work.   That would get him out of the house, and volunteering is such a feel good type of thing.
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