What do I do when my husband, who is 70% blind, insists on driving "us"?

Thanks to both of you for your prompt responses. I take no offense at all, shakingdustoff. Interestingly enough, my husband was raised as a Catholic, married a Catholic girl, and raised their children as Catholic until they were old enough to make their own choices. He separated himself (internally and privately) from the church as a young teen. Now he claims to be an atheist. My dad was in the Navy, so my religious background came from Navy chaplains. When I was a child, the chapels were either Catholic or Protestant. It would be interesting to know how they are now. You piqued my curiosity, so now I will have to find out. :) I went through what you are with my mother! While she was in the ALF, we had the car with us. The doctor told me she couldn't drive, but he wouldn't tell her!? Someone offered to buy her car, so we sold it and put the money in the account that paid for some of her rent. I don't think she ever forgave me for selling that car! I understand your situation. Thank you for the excellent information about the process of keeping someone from driving. I am sure it will help many readers.

Hi, jeannegibbs. You have responded to my posts before. Thank you so much for your encouragement and advice! I hope I can be as loving and patient with my husband as you were with yours. I know it must have been terribly difficult for you. I am now determined to love even more while my husband is aware of his problems and of me You are an inspiration to all of us.

I probably put this post in the wrong place. Someone answered me when I was panicking about my husband's determination to drive, and I inserted my post after that one. Mine was more general than driving tonight. I am happy to report that my husband has been very cooperative with our transition to my driving all of the time. :)

I have a feeling, ProfeChari, that you are going to get through the next years just fine, and with a closer and rewarding relationship. You do know that you have to take care of yourself, and have time for your own life. You sound disciplined enough to act on what you know. Caring for your husband in this way is not what you had envisioned. But it is, in a sense, what you signed on for. It always helped me to know that my husband would have taken care of me if the roles had been reversed. The unkindness on his part must be very difficult, perhaps heartbreaking. Believe him when he says that wasn't the real him who said those things.

After a ten-year journey with my husband's dementia, I have to say that in spite of all the horrors and the stress and the heartbreak of caring for a man who used to be an equal partner and became a dependent, the intense satisfaction of making his life as rich as it could be and having his love to the end was richly rewarding.

MSleeping beauty." :) I am beginning to feel the tension when he wants to go ny thanks to all of you who have responded to my concerns and questions. My heart is heavy tonight, so I decided to update what is going on with my soon - to - be 78 year old husband. If I had a title to what has happened in lmy life for the past six months, it would be, "Be prepared for CHANGE." When I began reading about the situations on this website, I considered my concern to be how to deal with the aging process when he is 19 years older than I. (He is 77,) I have devoted my professional life to teaching, 30 years in high school and 15+ years part time university. Teaching has been my passion through my first unhappy marriage of fifteen years, my five years years of being a "confirmed bachelorette," and the years after I met and married the kindest, most wonderful man in the world. Somewhere in the midst of those years, my father passed away. My mother had been totally dependent on him. So, being an only child, I was expected to take up where my dad left off. While she was healthy and lived in her own home, everything seemed fine. Life was good! The day she was visiting our home and broke her hip changed not only the rest of her life, but the lives of my husband and me. For six or seven years, I devoted my life to "being there" for her through the surgery, the acute care, the process of helping her sell her home, and trying to keep her content while living in an ALF. I had narrowed the choices down to three for her to try. The one she chose was only five miles from our home, which turned out to be a blessing and a curse! I was teaching, devoting a good chunk of every day to visiting and taking things to her, and being so exhausted that I was neglecting my home and my husband, who was retired and spent most of his time at home and caring for my mother's little dog. I was so devoted to my mother and spending time with her at the ALF that most of the residents thought I worked there and the other half thought I lived there. I was physically and emotionally exhaused, but I actually enjoyed being part of the ALF community. As she got older and more dependent on me, though, she became demanding of my time, attention, and money. Lesson to anyone trying to care for parents and family: Put your spouse and family first and do the best you can to help your parents find a comfortable and safe place to live. Spend some time with your parents, but do not make them the focus of your life! Mom passed away three years ago. She and I planned her funeral services together and made the most of what we realized would be the last months of her life. My dad would be pleased to know that I spoiled her as much as he did, but I think he would have advised me to balance my time better, remember that I had a loving husband and little dog at home, wonderful students that took a lot of my energy, responsibilities at home and as an officer in a fraternal organization, and a personal life with friends. Then he would shout at me to take care of MYSELF! Well, things slowly readjusted to teaching and home. I had to have knee surgery, from which I have still not totally recovered. I suppose I didn't notice the changes in my husband. He never complains nor reveals a thing that is bothering him. He has a dislike of going to doctors. Since he only took an occasional aspirin, was mobile, did all of the cooking and grocery shopping, and looks twenty years younger than most men of his age, I was enjoying my classes and trying to keep up with the care of the little dog and regular household chores. My husband and I had worked through the stress and tension that were results of my devotion to my mother and my neglect of him. We were and are really enjoying what we call "falling in love again." In that context, it didn't seem unusual when he told me his eyes were giving him problems, and the optometrist wanted him to make arrangements for an opthomalogist to remove one or both of his cataracts. The first appointment with the ophthalmologist Is the beginning of my trying to cope with his aging as well as some severe problems. Glacoma had robbed him of 95% of his vision in the left eye and 70-75% of his vision in the other. After many return appointments and tests, his surgery to remove the cataract from his left eye and to hopefully save the remaining 5% of the vision in it was scheduled. He was prepped for surgery and ready to be taken into surgery when the opthomalogist and anesthesiologist informed us of a severe heart condition. The surgery was cancelled. They did an electrocardiogram and sent it with us to see the doctor who had released him for surgery. He has arterial fibulation and is subject to a stroke or heart attack at any time. That was two weeks ago. He now takes a blood thinner daily, and we just finished a series of 14 injections in his stomach. My experiences with administering injections in the past came in handy. We would have had to go to the lab every 12 hours, otherwise. He is scheduled for an Eccocardiagram next week and also has a return appointment with the doctor. He had blood work done today. The ophthalmologist told him to continue the eye drops AM and PM. He has a return visit with him next month to check his eyes, discuss his heart condition, and possibly doing the surgery that was cancelled at the last minute. In the meantime, obviously I am doing all of the driving. The only time HIS driving has come up again is when he wanted to go somewhere and I wasn't ready. As I mentioned in an earlier post, he still has a driver's license and thinks he can drive. I am still thanking the angel of dead batteries that his car can't be driven! I don't think he would drive my car, but I am very careful about keeping all the keys to it in a special place. I have decided to give up my teaching. There is no way I can deal with my knee problems, teach, and not be able to stay off my feet during my off time.

My main concern now is that things can only get worse. My husband is generally in a good mood, cheerful, and understanding when I am tired or having knee problems. He is a morning person, so he is up, showered, and dressed before I am awake. That has never been a problem. As I mentioned, we are enjoying falling in love again, and sometimes he calls me his "sleeping beauty." :) I am beginning to feel the tension when he wants to go somewhere and I am not ready to go. He is also becoming impatient with me if I don't do precisely what he wants and when he wants it done. I asked him about his attitude, and he said the medication is making him tired and has disrupted his sleeping pattern. He was sweet enough to hug me and tell me it wasn't my fault and that he was sorry. I am also starting to wonder about leaving him when I have evening meetings every two weeks or when I want to join my retired friends for dinner. I have known some of them for 45 years, but my husband refuses to get to know them or to join me when I meet with them. He is not a spiritual person, which is fine, his choice. He is supportive of my involvement in my fraternity, although it is based on a belief in God. He is supportive, but he doesn't know any of the people there. It is important to me, but he doesn't want to discuss it with me. He is content to read (why he is anxious to save what vision he has!), use his computer, listen to music, and relax at home. That was fine with me until I retired. I can't be content without spending some time with people. The only social contact that interests him is with my best friend and her husband. I have to remind myself sometimes that most of his friends have died or live in other parts of the country. His daughters and families live a long way from here. They come for visits, but they are all still working and their time is limited. Our visiting with them has been limited since my knee surgery, because we take my car and I drive. Traveling has become hard on him, too. It really makes him tired, and his joints give him problems.

I know it sounds like I am complaining, and I admit part of it is. I love this man more than I ever thought it was possible to love. We have a wonderful and happy relationship, in spite of our differences. Now I am worried that the coming years are going to change that. I find myself exhausted all of the time, but trying to keep up with housecleaning, laundry, etc. and struggling to meet his needs. I learned from caring for my mom that I need to take care of myself and have some "alone" time to do things that I want to do. I can see that I am not taking very good care of myself, and I am beginning to feel guilty when I want to go out and he doesn't.

If you have taken time to read this lengthy monologue, I commend you for your patience and I thank you with all of my heart. My feelings are fragile tonight, and this is the only place I can share such things and know they will be understood. Maybe no one will read it? Maybe I just needed to write it to myself? Whatever the reason, this is a great website and caring people who are part of it!

We took the d**n car away. End of risk. Sure mom was madder than a wet hen, but the world was a lot safer. She thinks she still drives and tells everyone how careful she is.

When it comes to elders driving I can see both sides of the coin.

Being the *driver* of my parents, who are in their 90's, for the past 5 years in what feels like "Driving Miss Daisy", I am exhausted to a point where I now hate to drive anywhere, even to run my own errands which I rarely have time to do because I am running their errands, etc. How I wished my Dad could have kept driving for a few more years.

Of course, much of it depends on location.... if one lives in a quiet non-busy Mayberry type of area where driving is easy, and if the elder parent can safety drive from point A to point B even at 20 mph, let them.

On the other hand, if one lives in a high energy metro area with thousands of cars on the road daily, that same elderly driver would be at a risk. That is where my parents and I live, thus too much distraction for my Dad to get behind the wheel again.... and I know my Mom wouldn't stand for such foolishness if Dad tried. But oh how he missed that independence of going anywhere he wants, when he wants..... but he and Mom choose not to move to a retirement community that offers such transportation.... I would have paid for their moving van!!!

I'm not sure if you watched the most recent news? I only caught the back end of it. It has to do with an elderly man with dementia. He was driving on the wrong side of the road. The police then ended up doing a chase. Did the Pit maneuver, and they ended up shooting at him. From what I saw in the different news (Always missing the full story!), everyone is blaming the family for NOT doing something to prevent him from driving.

I was angry when I heard this. Do they know how difficult that is? Even that Dr.Drew of HLN made it sound so simple. Just call the DMV anonymously about the family member. Someone then tweeted to his comment that it's not as easy as they make it, that it's difficult. And he and his team still made it seem so easy. "Then get his physician involved." Yeah, right! How do you get the physician involved when the person refuses to see medical help? And when they do, I've read on here over and over, that some of the doctors still refuse to do anything.

So, I am soooo glad that you found the "dead battery" thing to work for you. I was going to mention taking the "cap" off or unplug something in the engine. Nowadays, society expects so much for us to do "right" with our dementia parent (or spouse) and yet seem to have no funds to help us out.

Thanks to all who responded to my anxiety and the situation with an elderly husband who was insisting on driving today. The dead battery in his car solved the whole thing, and everything fit in my car. :) We actually had a pleasant day today after his insistence on driving his car to pick up some things. This is a great website, and the support from everyone means so much.

You DO NOT allow him to drive you -- or himself -- any where. I am surprised that some medical person hasn't already alerted the DMV that his license needs to be revoked. Can he pass the vision test? Are his reactions still fast enough, and his judgement still good enough that his actions aren't putting other people at risk? Try to have his doctor report him to DMV.

Reading your profile, I wonder if your husband's problems are just age-related decline. Could there be the beginnings of dementia?

It sounds like you love him a lot. Put that love into action to protect him and innocent bystanders from serious or fatal traffic accidents. He may not be able to act in his own best interests at this point. You'll have to step up and do it for him. Easy? Oh my goodness, NO! But often necessary.

In this particular case, either drive the larger vehicle yourself, or have someone else pick up the items and deliver them. Even if you have to pay for the service, it is far better than allowing your husband to drive.

men are conditioned to drive us around? not this man. i built my first trike " supposedly " so the kids could ride with the wife and i but thats all a big hairy farce. i built it so the wife could drive and i could sit in the back and get s**tfaced. the cops didnt care, it was obvious what was going on. old suds - beard had himself a designated driver.
so friend betsy is driving ike last summer with her son joe and i on the back and of course im getting riteously plastered and decide to hurl a beer can in senator b**** front yard. just a harmless political statement but when we got back to town 2 hrs later a cop pulled us in betsys alley and said he had a report about a hurled beer can. i told him i was getting my smash on and it certainly sounded plausible enough. he was pretty nice, again, they love to see a designated driver..
i dont stay on subject very well. ike the trike is 30 yrs old this year. he could write a best seller..

This sounds like a troll to me, so I will play along and tell her she needs a bigger car or a truck. The captain's comments would be fun on this.

I just researched this for my mother's situation (84 years old, dementia, but hasn't gotten lost and is still driving). She's in California, and the DMV recommended that I ask her doctor to evaluate if he thinks she's a risk. If he does, then a letter from the Dr. to the DMV is all it takes to take away her license. Or, I could recommend that the DMV test my mother when her license comes up for renewal. She'd have to take a written and actual driving test, and depending on the results, they would not renew her license. You save a few steps if the Dr. is willing to write the letter to the DMV. Anyway, I haven't pursued this yet, but it's in my pocket. Scary situation--I don't want something awful to happen, but GOD, my mother's impossible....

Depending on your husband's age, some have been conditioned since they were young lads that they are the *driver* and it is their job to drive the wife. Doesn't matter about their physical state, they still have to do the driving.

I take it that you don't want to be the "bad guy" who takes away his license? Well, then, someone gave me this tip, but I haven't had to use it:
When the person's license is coming due, call the DMV office that you'll be going to ahead of time. Tell them the situation and make it clear the person's license should be taken away. A couple people told me they did that and, upon taking in their relative, that their DMV just cut the card right up, the relative being none the wiser that someone from the family had ratted them out, but now with no license and not a hazard.

Or, if you mean he drives without a license, I guess you'll just have to say, "No."