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Hi, jeannegibbs. You have responded to my posts before. Thank you so much for your encouragement and advice! I hope I can be as loving and patient with my husband as you were with yours. I know it must have been terribly difficult for you. I am now determined to love even more while my husband is aware of his problems and of me You are an inspiration to all of us.
I probably put this post in the wrong place. Someone answered me when I was panicking about my husband's determination to drive, and I inserted my post after that one. Mine was more general than driving tonight. I am happy to report that my husband has been very cooperative with our transition to my driving all of the time. :)
After a ten-year journey with my husband's dementia, I have to say that in spite of all the horrors and the stress and the heartbreak of caring for a man who used to be an equal partner and became a dependent, the intense satisfaction of making his life as rich as it could be and having his love to the end was richly rewarding.
My main concern now is that things can only get worse. My husband is generally in a good mood, cheerful, and understanding when I am tired or having knee problems. He is a morning person, so he is up, showered, and dressed before I am awake. That has never been a problem. As I mentioned, we are enjoying falling in love again, and sometimes he calls me his "sleeping beauty." :) I am beginning to feel the tension when he wants to go somewhere and I am not ready to go. He is also becoming impatient with me if I don't do precisely what he wants and when he wants it done. I asked him about his attitude, and he said the medication is making him tired and has disrupted his sleeping pattern. He was sweet enough to hug me and tell me it wasn't my fault and that he was sorry. I am also starting to wonder about leaving him when I have evening meetings every two weeks or when I want to join my retired friends for dinner. I have known some of them for 45 years, but my husband refuses to get to know them or to join me when I meet with them. He is not a spiritual person, which is fine, his choice. He is supportive of my involvement in my fraternity, although it is based on a belief in God. He is supportive, but he doesn't know any of the people there. It is important to me, but he doesn't want to discuss it with me. He is content to read (why he is anxious to save what vision he has!), use his computer, listen to music, and relax at home. That was fine with me until I retired. I can't be content without spending some time with people. The only social contact that interests him is with my best friend and her husband. I have to remind myself sometimes that most of his friends have died or live in other parts of the country. His daughters and families live a long way from here. They come for visits, but they are all still working and their time is limited. Our visiting with them has been limited since my knee surgery, because we take my car and I drive. Traveling has become hard on him, too. It really makes him tired, and his joints give him problems.
I know it sounds like I am complaining, and I admit part of it is. I love this man more than I ever thought it was possible to love. We have a wonderful and happy relationship, in spite of our differences. Now I am worried that the coming years are going to change that. I find myself exhausted all of the time, but trying to keep up with housecleaning, laundry, etc. and struggling to meet his needs. I learned from caring for my mom that I need to take care of myself and have some "alone" time to do things that I want to do. I can see that I am not taking very good care of myself, and I am beginning to feel guilty when I want to go out and he doesn't.
If you have taken time to read this lengthy monologue, I commend you for your patience and I thank you with all of my heart. My feelings are fragile tonight, and this is the only place I can share such things and know they will be understood. Maybe no one will read it? Maybe I just needed to write it to myself? Whatever the reason, this is a great website and caring people who are part of it!
Being the *driver* of my parents, who are in their 90's, for the past 5 years in what feels like "Driving Miss Daisy", I am exhausted to a point where I now hate to drive anywhere, even to run my own errands which I rarely have time to do because I am running their errands, etc. How I wished my Dad could have kept driving for a few more years.
Of course, much of it depends on location.... if one lives in a quiet non-busy Mayberry type of area where driving is easy, and if the elder parent can safety drive from point A to point B even at 20 mph, let them.
On the other hand, if one lives in a high energy metro area with thousands of cars on the road daily, that same elderly driver would be at a risk. That is where my parents and I live, thus too much distraction for my Dad to get behind the wheel again.... and I know my Mom wouldn't stand for such foolishness if Dad tried. But oh how he missed that independence of going anywhere he wants, when he wants..... but he and Mom choose not to move to a retirement community that offers such transportation.... I would have paid for their moving van!!!
I was angry when I heard this. Do they know how difficult that is? Even that Dr.Drew of HLN made it sound so simple. Just call the DMV anonymously about the family member. Someone then tweeted to his comment that it's not as easy as they make it, that it's difficult. And he and his team still made it seem so easy. "Then get his physician involved." Yeah, right! How do you get the physician involved when the person refuses to see medical help? And when they do, I've read on here over and over, that some of the doctors still refuse to do anything.
So, I am soooo glad that you found the "dead battery" thing to work for you. I was going to mention taking the "cap" off or unplug something in the engine. Nowadays, society expects so much for us to do "right" with our dementia parent (or spouse) and yet seem to have no funds to help us out.
Reading your profile, I wonder if your husband's problems are just age-related decline. Could there be the beginnings of dementia?
It sounds like you love him a lot. Put that love into action to protect him and innocent bystanders from serious or fatal traffic accidents. He may not be able to act in his own best interests at this point. You'll have to step up and do it for him. Easy? Oh my goodness, NO! But often necessary.
In this particular case, either drive the larger vehicle yourself, or have someone else pick up the items and deliver them. Even if you have to pay for the service, it is far better than allowing your husband to drive.
so friend betsy is driving ike last summer with her son joe and i on the back and of course im getting riteously plastered and decide to hurl a beer can in senator b**** front yard. just a harmless political statement but when we got back to town 2 hrs later a cop pulled us in betsys alley and said he had a report about a hurled beer can. i told him i was getting my smash on and it certainly sounded plausible enough. he was pretty nice, again, they love to see a designated driver..
i dont stay on subject very well. ike the trike is 30 yrs old this year. he could write a best seller..
When the person's license is coming due, call the DMV office that you'll be going to ahead of time. Tell them the situation and make it clear the person's license should be taken away. A couple people told me they did that and, upon taking in their relative, that their DMV just cut the card right up, the relative being none the wiser that someone from the family had ratted them out, but now with no license and not a hazard.
Or, if you mean he drives without a license, I guess you'll just have to say, "No."