I tell him that we can afford it. All our bills are paid. We get our social security checks and everything is fine. He still doesn't understand and won't let the subject rest. This goes on for about 2 hours periodically every week. Does anyone have any suggestions as to how I should handle this. I am so frustrated with him.
But, whatever stage he is in your husband has dementia. That means you've taken over the financial decision making. This is a big stress factor for many of us. We'd really LIKE to have the input of our soulmate. But we certainly don't want to have meaningless conversations about some issue for hours at a time, week after week. So I hear ya, mema66. You don't need advice about where to live. You need advice on how to handle these "conversations."
I'd treat it like any delusion. Try to respect your husband's feelings. Go along as much as you can. Be patient with repetition. And try to distract him to some other topic.
Early in his disease my husband husband fretted about finances. I "went along" by giving him bank statements, which he sometimes read upside down. He'd "study" them for a while and get bored. Then he was easily distracted with a snack.
Your husband says you don't have enough money to keep your house. "Oh honey, I hope that isn't true. You did such a wonderful job planning and keeping our finances in order I think things are just fine now. But why don't I get you this year's bank statements and the household expense file and let you see how things might be arranged better?"
If that doesn't help and he still says you can't afford the house, try going along. "Where do you think we should live that would be less expensive?" "Hmm ... let's look on the computer and see what is available in that kind of housing. Will you search for a while and call me when you find something that looks really good?"
Or try to segue into a different topic. "I'm really sad thinking about moving out of this house. We have some wonderful memories here. Even that little fire on the porch turned out to be a good memory when Jem came home and helped us fix it." (Talking about memorable even is better than talking about finances.)
By going along, I DON'T mean that you agree that you can't afford the house. But that is his reality at that moment, so respect it. And don't bother with "reasoning" about the subject. This is his delusion (false belief) and it isn't subject to logic.
Spouses (or parents) who "know" there are bugs in the carpet or a defect in the stove or a financial disaster around the corner can be very frustrating indeed! There are MANY such stories on these discussion boards. Take some comfort from knowing that you are not alone, this particular obsession probably won't last forever, and the important thing is to keep showing your love and respect.
Let us know how this works out.
Does hubby still do the yard work and shovel the snow? I see from your profile that he has Alzheimer's/Dementia. Maybe he is feeling he can't do that any more... age decline can creep up pretty quick. And having a company come in to do those things can be costly. I give him credit for thinking ahead.
Does hubby suggest where else you could both live? Maybe a retirement community where you can meet new people of your own age group, and not have to worry about any maintenance or even utilities.
Mema is asking how she can deal with this obsession. I don't see her asking for advice about moving.
I think this is one of those cases where we have perfectly good answers we want to share, even if they aren't in response to the question asked.
If it will distract him for a while, it's a good thing. Whatever that is.
If it keeps him calm, it's a good thing.
You can say WHATEVER you need to say to him, to keep him calm.
It helps to get in their head and say whatever will be reassuring - 100% honest truth or not.
Some suggestions I have:
I'm waiting on some phone calls about this, honey. Then I'll know more.
I have to wait to talk to a realtor to help us. One step at a time.
I'm so lucky to have you looking out for us! It's going to be a couple weeks before I hear back from the realtor/lawyer/tax guy/etc.
The house insurance is paid up for the year, so we don't have to do anything until next year.
The realtor told me to stay put. This isn't the right market for us to move.
The realtor said there isn't anything in our price range right now and check back in 6 weeks.
Etc. This is a new communication skill nobody teaches us ahead of time. It feels weird at first, but you can learn to do it and maybe keep him less upset. Tell us how it's going!
It could be that your husband is focusing on the move and his beliefs due to anxiety. I might discuss this with his doctor and see if an anti-anxiety medication might help.
It is frustrating, but often people with dementia repeat the same stories over and over. It can be very taxing on their caretaker. I don't know of any remedy though. You have to just endure it.
Before I considered any sale of the home, I would consult with an attorney well versed in Medicaid law.
Coming to sites like this can be helpful. It helps to know that you are not alone and others share challenges in their role as caretaker.
Have an assisted living plan written out, indicating the liklihood of sale proceeds from the home will go to assisted living home in bulk; then income will go to pay the home; with an approximate allowance of $30 - $60/ month given back for personal expenses.
Get some professional advice for planning, don't avoid it.
Then the facts and figures and planning will make sense make sense.
If he is of another mindset, have you considered if he is just worried, or if he just needs a little more cash to spend? Maybe you could say, we have some money, here, I've saved some for you, then give him some. He can spend it or save it.
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