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He has MCI bordering on dementia, so I don't know how much is that and how much is he has always been a lazy and difficult person. He refuses to shower or shave, and will sit in his wet clothing rather than get up and change. He knows he can ask the staff for help, but he doesn't. He refuses to do things when they do offer to help him. He lies to me when I ask him about his showering, acting like they aren't doing what they should. I cannot afford memory care. Are there any incontinence products that hold huge amounts of urine?

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Are you living with him in the assisted care, or does he live separately from you?

Get an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist about medications. If he is doing this about defiance, there is medication to calm him. If it's because he's too depressed to take any action, there are antidepressants.

I hope you can find solutions. This must be incredibly frustrating.
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Reply to MG8522
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I agree with way to misery in that your husband needs to transition into memory care. He needs more help than assisted living give. Hugs
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Reply to Hrmgrandcna
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Tell him if he doesn’t clean up he will get kicked out and end up in a nursing home where he has to share a tiny room .

Not sure if this still is true , but by me uncontrolled incontinence was a ticket to an SNF nursing home . Then he could eventually go on Medicaid .
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Reply to waytomisery
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waytomisery 5 hours ago
The pull-up type briefs in general don’t hold as much liquid as some of the tab type products . But your husband would most likely need help to don the tab type . There are also booster pads to put inside .

He may end up with a large sore on his butt requiring SNF nursing home .
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