I think you're right where you should be at this point. It's only been 2 weeks. That's not very long. While you may always miss him I think the situation will get easier for you in time. I hope you have some family you can turn to when you're missing your husband. Adult children maybe? Or a sister or brother? Maybe a close friend? Try to keep yourself busy right now. Spend time with your loved ones.
This is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, I am so sorry you are going through this. Be prepared for some changes in your husband, some that might upset you. And know there is nothing you can do. The nurses at the home will keep you informed how he is doing. He will always be your husband, just not the same one you used to know. Merry Christmas, Shirley
This is a major transition in our lives. My husband went to a facility 2 months ago. Life is just not the same. There is just too much room in my apartment with constant reminders that he is not present. The man I visit is not the man I enjoyed so many years with, although sometimes I can stir up his sense of humor for a few minutes. He is not the same as he was even when he went in. No wonder that we are grieving, that we feel alone, that we are under great stress. The holidays only rub it in that most good times are in the past -not the future.
Crying can release some of the tension - but if we are going to survive, become healthy again, and able to monitor his care and help his new caregivers interpret his needs and respond we have to make some changes.
For me the hardest is getting enough sleep. Lack of sleep makes it hard for me to think straight for me and for him.Time to establish a new and timely bedtime routine.
Secondly I need social support. Right now old friends do what they can, But I am finding that the spouses support group at the facility really hits the spot. They know better how to work with his new routine, to participate in care but gladly accept much needed help. They understand the loneliness and the worry. Each visit now I run into one or more of the wives and we swap tales about how our husbands are doing. The old timers give ideas of how to handle current issues and help me realize that the problem really aren't so bad. They help each other prepare and handle the next step of the disease.
The second group that are beginning to help me not feel so bad are the staff members. Each visit I have made the point of greeting the staff and whenever they help my husband when I am there thanking them. It has taken a while but now they greet me with a smile whenever I visit and are quicker to respond to requests for help. They are my husbands new neighbors and I want them to be mine too. I am not quite so lonely now.
I also need to accept that it is time to plant the seeds of that new life that will be mine alone when this ordeal comes to an end. What form of exercise shall I make part of my life to maintain my health? I am beginning to look forward to being able to travel again. What relatives and friends will I have the chance to visit? What hobbies will I find rewarding at this point in my life? Which books have I been wanting to read? It is time to start these activities on a small scale. I have joined a card group that meets once a week.
Cry when you need to. But resist living entirely in a personal pity party. Accepting the inevitable and beginning to learn to live with it will be a big help. Let's pray for all the spouses who are suffering through this hard change of life - those we know and those we don't. God love you.
You have received some good thoughts here. In addition, I'd like to mention that when a loved one slips into Alzheimer's, you may experience the loss of your former closeness as grief. It is a feeling loss. It happened to me with my mother and with my husband. I hope you will slowly discover new parts of yourself.
My heart goes out to you, Shirley. So far, I've only been through this with my parents. I would think it's far worse with a spouse.
Read through these wonderful responses from wonderful people who understand what you're going through. It may help you realize that you aren't alone as well as give you some ideas.
The main thing is that this will change as your husband changes but it will never be easy. I hope that you can keep us updated here online and that maybe you can find a support group to attend - one for spouses if possible. Also, get to know the staff well. As was mentioned, they can be such a big support.
I appreciate the responses that all of you have given to her as I am in the process of putting my wife into Memory care. I am mentally ready and as soon as I decide on the right facility I will be putting her in. But I think about the after effect so I appreciate the advice to be prepared for a different life.
I have experience same situation, when he was in the facility I feel so empty in the house and my heart, right now I keep him at home, although he need lot of care, like incontinent bowel and bladder, difficulty walking due to parkinson. but someday in the future h
Funny that this question would come up now. My mom has been in facility for 6 years and I just took my dad to see her yesterday (he's 93 and in a retirement facility). It was so hard on him that I told him if he felt he couldn't see her anymore not to feel guilty about it. It upset him terribly. I told him it does me too but I couldn't imagine how it feels to him seeing someone he has loved and been with be so bad. We have been going through this for around 12 years but she finally had to be placed 6 years ago. Dad just couldn't take care of her anymore. She is on hospice palliative care now. Although she hasn't passed I feel I have already lost my mom and it's the hardest thing still after all these years. Don't worry about crying when you leave......I still do too sometimes. It does get easier though. Try to find something that you really enjoy. Volunteering, cards, senior groups, travel, etc. You still have a life to live so don't feel guilty about enjoying it without him. It's a long, hard journey so take advantage of things around YOU while you can. Good Luck and God Bless.
My wife of 35 years has FTD and now her symptoms point to her passing soon. I decided on care at home from the onset. It has been such a slow, slow demise and I have gone through all of the emotions a grieving person can go through already. You probably know how you will feel when he's gone already. The way you conduct your life now and everyday is how it will be. The most important part of this is to have you and others remember the person as they were--not the shadow of a person that lies in front of you now. They can then live forever in your heart.
You are not alone! I cry everytime I leave my sister who is in an AL facility fir 1 yr. Her dementia seems worse, so I treasure the good visits or the good memories, when a visit is good. Crying is OK, but do join a Caregiver's Support Group! They have helped me so much. I wish you peace. Let it go. You have done your best. Take care of yourself. God bless.
dear bluecube...you should be going to the grieving process. life is a process and it could NOT be easy losing your loved one to Alzheimers...or any other way for that matter. i could assure you though...you are soooo lucky that you could put him in a facility where he will be cared for by people who can care for him. if you had him at home with you .... and you were caring for him...it would be far worse for you! you are one of the lucky ones! god bless you!
My brother had Parkinson's, and the first symptom was memory issues. He eventually became totally bedridden, and almost uncommunicative. When he could no longer live on his own, they found a really good caretaker, and eventually moved him into their home. Sometimes he would be off in the past, and sometimes would have flashes of being "with it" for a few minutes. One thing about a long decline, as hard as it is, is that you do have the opportunity to do most of the grieving while you still have your LO there, whatever they are. I have found this very helpful in most of the family and personal losses I've had; I was less "lost" after the passing than many people I've seen. Nobody says it's easy, but I kept telling myself that it's life, the way it is, and there is nothing more I can do about it except to find my own way. .
Sorry, seemed to inadvertently omitted the info that my nephew and his wife took care of his dad. They now have her mother with them. They are both retired, and have a son and daughter close by.
Dear lifeexperiences, I did have him home and cared for him for eleven years. When my health declined to the point that I was worried that I would die first and he would not get the care he would need, I sought to place him where he would get that care. It must have been the right time as he was a a 2 year waiting list and got called in 10 months! Really appreciate that now I know he will get good care as long as he needs it. I do feel for those still trying to care for loved ones at home.
So sorry. At 66 I haven't had to deal with this with a spouse. I do know people that have and it comes down to, you physically can't do it. I was driving my GFs Mom and she had to put DH in a nursing facility. Yes, he did better at home but she has her own health problems and couldn't get her rest. Even with a caregiver there, he would go looking for her. Like its been said, ur still in transition. 62 yrs is a long time.
dear bluecube...i take care of both my parents and have been full time for the last 6 years. my mother has advanced dementia and is now bedridden. It is taking a toll on me too! anyway...take care of yourself now. thanks for your response.
My wife and girlfriend of 53 years has been struggling for more than 8 years with Alzheimer's and I have seen her fade away. This woman, whom everyone loved, has also begun to demonstrate deteriorating physical abilities, and it is getting to the point where I may no longer be able to care for her without suffering physical injury myself. While the loneliness that I have been experiencing in recent years is numbing, I wonder what will it be like when she is no longer at home needing my care. Re-defining our relationship throughout the duration of her illness has been hard enough. Everyday, it is a new and different adventure, usually not an improvement over earlier ones that week. Where will i find adventure? I dread the day that it will come, I know I will miss all that she has meant to me in health and in sickness.
No. ... The physical part is slowly disappearing, but the spiritual side of him lives on in your memories.
My wife has been gone for 26 years, yet all the good and rough times we spent together are still intact. Joe & Louie have her eyes; and Louie's daughter reminds me of her in many ways.
When our love for someone is this strong, eventually you start getting used to not having them around much. But you never stop missing them.
I still laugh about the time she wore high heels to go camping; and cry just as I did when we exchanged vows. ... I was the happiest and richest man in the world.
Time doesn't heal all wounds. Some are so deep the only thing we can do is learn to live with them.
One point that you should not forget about any memory issue patient is that if your LO has been in a facility for any lengthy period, or even live-ins, caregivers become extremely attached to the person. Though it is nothing near what a family member experiences, the caregiver can leave with tears running down their faces. God bless you in your many hours of need. Be thankful they are in good hands, including yours.
Losing a beloved spouse generates profound pain. Eddie describes it perfectly. I miss my husband in every corner........every day. I find pleasure in our children and grandchildren and Bill's memory lives on through us all. In order to be happy.........I've lowered the bar quite a bit and that works out. It helps to be grateful for even little things. If you've lost a great love............you are one of the fortunate ones who had a great love. I thank God for that.
I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
No wonder that we are grieving, that we feel alone, that we are under great stress. The holidays only rub it in that most good times are in the past -not the future.
Crying can release some of the tension - but if we are going to survive, become healthy again, and able to monitor his care and help his new caregivers interpret his needs and respond we have to make some changes.
For me the hardest is getting enough sleep. Lack of sleep makes it hard for me to think straight for me and for him.Time to establish a new and timely bedtime routine.
Secondly I need social support. Right now old friends do what they can, But I am finding that the spouses support group at the facility really hits the spot. They know better how to work with his new routine, to participate in care but gladly accept much needed help. They understand the loneliness and the worry.
Each visit now I run into one or more of the wives and we swap tales about how our husbands are doing. The old timers give ideas of how to handle current issues and help me realize that the problem really aren't so bad. They help each other prepare and handle the next step of the disease.
The second group that are beginning to help me not feel so bad are the staff members. Each visit I have made the point of greeting the staff and whenever they help my husband when I am there thanking them. It has taken a while but now they greet me with a smile whenever I visit and are quicker to respond to requests for help. They are my husbands new neighbors and I want them to be mine too. I am not quite so lonely now.
I also need to accept that it is time to plant the seeds of that new life that will be mine alone when this ordeal comes to an end. What form of exercise shall I make part of my life to maintain my health? I am beginning to look forward to being able to travel again. What relatives and friends will I have the chance to visit? What hobbies will I find rewarding at this point in my life? Which books have I been wanting to read? It is time to start these activities on a small scale. I have joined a card group that meets once a week.
Cry when you need to. But resist living entirely in a personal pity party. Accepting the inevitable and beginning to learn to live with it will be a big help. Let's pray for all the spouses who are suffering through this hard change of life - those we know and those we don't. God love you.
Read through these wonderful responses from wonderful people who understand what you're going through. It may help you realize that you aren't alone as well as give you some ideas.
The main thing is that this will change as your husband changes but it will never be easy. I hope that you can keep us updated here online and that maybe you can find a support group to attend - one for spouses if possible. Also, get to know the staff well. As was mentioned, they can be such a big support.
Our hearts are with you,
Carol
My wife has been gone for 26 years, yet all the good and rough times we spent together are still intact. Joe & Louie have her eyes; and Louie's daughter reminds me of her in many ways.
When our love for someone is this strong, eventually you start getting used to not having them around much. But you never stop missing them.
I still laugh about the time she wore high heels to go camping; and cry just as I did when we exchanged vows. ... I was the happiest and richest man in the world.
Time doesn't heal all wounds. Some are so deep the only thing we can do is learn to live with them.
Thank you for sharing my friend.
In order to be happy.........I've lowered the bar quite a bit and that works out. It helps to be grateful for even little things. If you've lost a great love............you are one of the fortunate ones who had a great love. I thank God for that.