My husband of 62 years is in an Alzheimer facility for 2 weeks. Will I ever stop missing him?

My heart goes out to you, Shirley. So far, I've only been through this with my parents. I would think it's far worse with a spouse.

Read through these wonderful responses from wonderful people who understand what you're going through. It may help you realize that you aren't alone as well as give you some ideas.

The main thing is that this will change as your husband changes but it will never be easy. I hope that you can keep us updated here online and that maybe you can find a support group to attend - one for spouses if possible. Also, get to know the staff well. As was mentioned, they can be such a big support.

Our hearts are with you,
Carol

This is a major transition in our lives. My husband went to a facility 2 months ago. Life is just not the same. There is just too much room in my apartment with constant reminders that he is not present. The man I visit is not the man I enjoyed so many years with, although sometimes I can stir up his sense of humor for a few minutes. He is not the same as he was even when he went in.
No wonder that we are grieving, that we feel alone, that we are under great stress. The holidays only rub it in that most good times are in the past -not the future.

Crying can release some of the tension - but if we are going to survive, become healthy again, and able to monitor his care and help his new caregivers interpret his needs and respond we have to make some changes.

For me the hardest is getting enough sleep. Lack of sleep makes it hard for me to think straight for me and for him.Time to establish a new and timely bedtime routine.

Secondly I need social support. Right now old friends do what they can, But I am finding that the spouses support group at the facility really hits the spot. They know better how to work with his new routine, to participate in care but gladly accept much needed help. They understand the loneliness and the worry.
Each visit now I run into one or more of the wives and we swap tales about how our husbands are doing. The old timers give ideas of how to handle current issues and help me realize that the problem really aren't so bad. They help each other prepare and handle the next step of the disease.

The second group that are beginning to help me not feel so bad are the staff members. Each visit I have made the point of greeting the staff and whenever they help my husband when I am there thanking them. It has taken a while but now they greet me with a smile whenever I visit and are quicker to respond to requests for help. They are my husbands new neighbors and I want them to be mine too. I am not quite so lonely now.



I also need to accept that it is time to plant the seeds of that new life that will be mine alone when this ordeal comes to an end. What form of exercise shall I make part of my life to maintain my health? I am beginning to look forward to being able to travel again. What relatives and friends will I have the chance to visit? What hobbies will I find rewarding at this point in my life? Which books have I been wanting to read? It is time to start these activities on a small scale. I have joined a card group that meets once a week.

Cry when you need to. But resist living entirely in a personal pity party. Accepting the inevitable and beginning to learn to live with it will be a big help. Let's pray for all the spouses who are suffering through this hard change of life - those we know and those we don't. God love you.

I think you're right where you should be at this point. It's only been 2 weeks. That's not very long. While you may always miss him I think the situation will get easier for you in time. I hope you have some family you can turn to when you're missing your husband. Adult children maybe? Or a sister or brother? Maybe a close friend? Try to keep yourself busy right now. Spend time with your loved ones.

I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

My wife of 35 years has FTD and now her symptoms point to her passing soon. I decided on care at home from the onset. It has been such a slow, slow demise and I have gone through all of the emotions a grieving person can go through already. You probably know how you will feel when he's gone already. The way you conduct your life now and everyday is how it will be. The most important part of this is to have you and others remember the person as they were--not the shadow of a person that lies in front of you now. They can then live forever in your heart.

This is one of the hardest things we will ever have to do. I wish I could say something to make you feel better, I am so sorry you are going through this. Be prepared for some changes in your husband, some that might upset you. And know there is nothing you can do. The nurses at the home will keep you informed how he is doing. He will always be your husband, just not the same one you used to know. Merry Christmas, Shirley

You have received some good thoughts here. In addition, I'd like to mention that when a loved one slips into Alzheimer's, you may experience the loss of your former closeness as grief. It is a feeling loss. It happened to me with my mother and with my husband. I hope you will slowly discover new parts of yourself.

Funny that this question would come up now. My mom has been in facility for 6 years and I just took my dad to see her yesterday (he's 93 and in a retirement facility). It was so hard on him that I told him if he felt he couldn't see her anymore not to feel guilty about it. It upset him terribly. I told him it does me too but I couldn't imagine how it feels to him seeing someone he has loved and been with be so bad. We have been going through this for around 12 years but she finally had to be placed 6 years ago. Dad just couldn't take care of her anymore. She is on hospice palliative care now. Although she hasn't passed I feel I have already lost my mom and it's the hardest thing still after all these years. Don't worry about crying when you leave......I still do too sometimes. It does get easier though. Try to find something that you really enjoy. Volunteering, cards, senior groups, travel, etc. You still have a life to live so don't feel guilty about enjoying it without him. It's a long, hard journey so take advantage of things around YOU while you can. Good Luck and God Bless.

Try to go see him more often if it isn't disturbing to him. Got to put those big girl panties on but always take care of your health first.

I appreciate the responses that all of you have given to her as I am in the process of putting my wife into Memory care. I am mentally ready and as soon as I decide on the right facility I will be putting her in. But I think about the after effect so I appreciate the advice to be prepared for a different life.

Losing a beloved spouse generates profound pain. Eddie describes it perfectly. I miss my husband in every corner........every day. I find pleasure in our children and grandchildren and Bill's memory lives on through us all.
In order to be happy.........I've lowered the bar quite a bit and that works out. It helps to be grateful for even little things. If you've lost a great love............you are one of the fortunate ones who had a great love. I thank God for that.