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Mom moved in two years ago and it was way too stressful for me and because she insisted on being so independent and basically compete with me she broke her pelvis, femur and hip. She fell a few more times while at my home. She’s all healed up and I called her bluff three months ago because I couldn’t take her complaining, when she lived in our home, where she had everything. Private bathroom, bedroom, living room and could be anywhere else in our home, but upstairs. Even a day before her move she came upstairs (post injuries). She complains equally where she’s at now, which is a very nice 1 bedroom apt, w/balcony, kitchen at Brookdale. She calls it a prison. Won’t go downstairs to eat etc. I have groceries delivered. I’m the only daughter, 1 brother don’t count on.


Can I get on with my life or do I stay here until she passes? She’s well by the way. There isn’t anything I can’t do from where we’ve moving except see her. It’s so much about guilt which she is #1 at doing and me accepting. These last 2+ years have really been unhealthy and unhappy for me.


My husband wants her to go with us. He deserves to retire and move. I want too also.

Well bless your hubs for wanting her come along,,, BUT she is your mother, and you say the last 2 years have been awful for you. Maybe if you move she will start eating at the dining room and getting about in the facility more? And be happier with out you around to dance to her tune? Move, relax and enjoy!
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Tiger55 Nov 18, 2018
Amen to that☺.
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I wouldn't take her with you. What for? So that she can more conveniently rain on your parade?

You may find that once you're not available she's better motivated to interact with her neighbours.

You may also want to tinker cautiously with the grocery list and see if you can't nudge her towards eating downstairs that way.

How long is the journey going to be after you move? I realise this might be impractical; but if you design yourself a schedule of visits - whether that's Christmas, Easter, Whitsun; once every two months; every other blue moon; whatever - you might find that eases your mind about the guilt.

You are NOT abandoning this lady. You are just recognising the limits of what you can really, usefully do for her.
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Ltrader Nov 19, 2018
Thank you. I’m not abandoning her, you’re right. I am happy to hear all comments.
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You & hubby should make the move. Without Mom.

Mom is in a good set-up. And Mom is unhappy no matter where she is (proven over & over for the last 2 years).

Do what makes YOU happy & nurtures YOUR marriage and go where YOU want to go.

You can call Mom. Skype/facetime. Write letters. Send cards. Upload photos to a digital photo frame. Send care packages. Visit.

There’s nothing unusual about an adult child living in a different city than his/her parents.

We get so wrapped up in our aging parents’ crap. Especially emotional blackmail. And we’re so close to it, we lose sight of how warped the dynamic can get. (Sounds like hubby has a dose of that, too.)

Be free! Mom is safe, secure and healthy. It’s time to focus on yourself. (((big hugs)))
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Ltrader Nov 19, 2018
Hug back at ya!!! I appreciate your frankness. You said it right It’s so freakin tiring. And she’s not caring one but about me. She knows I’m 62. I already have had a heart attack and this last two years plus all the time before my stepfather died (2 cancer twice). I’ve been “it”. I am done if my brain could tell my chest and stomach. Ha. XO
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Definitely make the move, with your husband & without your mom. (Because you have 2 years experience with your mother being unreasonable & difficult). It will be best for your peace, as long as your husband agrees. Others will put guilt on you, but don't let it stop you. Some elderly live to 95 or over 100 yrs old. (Imagine being stuck living with her for that long)! Sorry, but that could even destroy your marriage. Instead, have a Happy Retirement☺✌🙋
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Ltrader Nov 19, 2018
Thank you. I’m agreeing all the way. My husband just wants me happy. And us afraid I’ll be unhappy. I’m unhappy now. Ha. I don’t want to do this to my marriage there. XO
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Is she in the AL or independent living space? Brookdale is top of the line facility where I live with increasing care options.

I would just tell her, we are moving and you are welcome to move to x facility in the same city or you can stay here. Those are the only options mom.

If she stays get her set up with a fudiciary that can be a liaison for you and help her if needed so you are not being pulled back continually. Make sure they are licensed and I believe it is certification through the supreme court, check your area. They are a bit pricey 100.00 to 160.00 an hour but cheaper then you flying back and forth, also a good one will have resources that you can utilize for less money. Get her set up with the visiting physicians group through brookdale, that way she can be see on site.

It sounds like she will be unhappy no matter where she lives, try not to own her feelings. Only she can change her outlook and I have learned, some people are only happy when they are miserable, joyous if they can make someone else miserable.

Get her set up and go enjoy your retirement.
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Ltrader Nov 19, 2018
Again super helpful. I like Brookdale. Today she told me no one looks like her and she wants to die. I hear that a lot. My stomach and ulcers are always a wreck. Your advise is well received.
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You are a grown woman and so is your mother. I’m assuming she is well mentally, too. Is she in a situation where if she falls or otherwise needs medical help it is available to her? Or, does she have a Med alert necklace handy?

I’m curious as to why, if your husband knows you are burned out and had enough, he wants his mother-in-law to come with. That’s rather inconsiderate of your wishes, isn’t it?
Or, does he fear that you may obsess over your mother’s well-being?

Make the move. Make sure all Mom’s papers are in order, the facility is aware that you’re moving and where, and go. Visit occasionally. Don’t get caught up in her complaining and negativity when you do. When you aren’t at her beck and call 24/7, she may just change her tune.
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Ltrader Nov 19, 2018
Tim my husband is more afraid of the latter. Me feeling worse than I do now. I’m so happy where I have her living. It’s clean, always smells nice, have food in dining room open 7-7. She’s very blessed. She does seem to like being miserable. I don’t want her to go with us. My beautiful sweet youngest daughter and husband and baby are coming. My son in law is starting his own business there. They don’t want her to come.
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I haven't read other responses yet kind of on purpose, it seems like a question that might draw a lot of personal opinion and branch off various directions so I wanted to stay as focused on answering your question as I can first.

My initial reaction & thought reading the question didn't change at all after reading more of the details in the body of your post/question. Yes you can and should move on with your life, you should follow through with whatever plans you and your husband have and or continue to make in the future with no guilt. You have offered to have her go with you, you have both made it clear that there is and always will be a place for her with or near you, wherever you are (a loving and generous thing from you both under any circumstance but after reading more of your story...generous far above and beyond) if she chooses not to go, that's her choice. You have no responsibility to convince her to go with you and you certainly have no responsibility to change your plans or stay. Even if you didn't have plans yet but wanted to make them you should and including an option for your mom either with you or close by is really all you can do.

By the sounds of it she is well enough at least cognitively to be in control of her affairs so ultimately it's up to her, you don't have any control over where she chooses to live (out of the options given to her), don't give her control over where you and your husband decide to live. I understand the details aren't that simple, there will likely come a time when she can't live alone and maybe you will have to make the decision to move her but you can only try to prepare for that you can't live your life for it now, make your life decisions based on that possibility. Let your mom make her housing and location decisions, you make yours and if you can get your mom to think ahead and prepare, lay the ground work for the future, great. If not you can do your research about places near your new home to prepare for yourself and you can establish the boundaries you need to and a pattern of visits and involvement in her life where she is now that works into your life. If moving means you can only visit once every 3 or 6 months, so be it and if she complains remind her it was and is her choice, you offered for her to move with you. Set up a relationship with the people around her, maybe set up some security cameras, an Amazon or Google version of electronic methods to visit and be present. But live your life, include her as much as you want and she is willing but don't fight her, save that, pick your battles because there are bound to be more to come and don't waste your happiness, time and energy on guilt. I don't see anything in your post that gives me any sense of something you might feel guilty about. You might try being clear and upfront about how her decisions now, willingness or lack of willingness to prepare for, make decisions about future possibilities may make all the difference about how much control she has over the future but again don't let it dominate your life, especially if she isn't cooperative. I mention all of that because now as there are big changes happening is a good time to talk about those things and it might help her transition better, not create barriers if she feels in control and has things to do that make her an active part of your life and her own, planning for her future around your new living situation might give her just that.

Good luck and enjoy this new and exciting chapter in your lives! It sounds great, I'm jealous.
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Ltrader Nov 20, 2018
Thank you. Great thoughts.
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As a wise therapist once said to me, "Guilt is when you accidentally drop a baby off a cliff." Please please please stop letting her manipulate and try to guilt you! You've done so much already for her, always putting her first, and you know she'll never be happy and always complain, no matter what you do. Wow, this sounds harsh, but what I read is a 62-year old woman who has already had a heart attack, and who is totally stressed trying to care for this parent who is in a great facility and well cared for. You must put your health, your marriage, your husband, your children and grandchildren and your retirement plans first!! It is not selfish, it's reality. You'll be able to come see her when you can. I was my (roommate) sister's sole caregiver for about two years, while my health deteriorated from the 24/7 stress, losing weight, not sleeping, and I eventually moved her to an assisted living facility. I had to save my health and sanity. She didn't like it, but she was well taken care of. I don't regret that decision; I knew my limits, and it sounds like you know yours. These situations are never easy, but I treasure the helpfulness of this forum, especially when I was going through so much with my sister. We all care about you and wish you the best. Good luck to you.
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Ltrader Nov 24, 2018
Well I really appreciate your kind words truthful words and validation of my situation this is a great forum.
I’m gojng forward with our plans. We all deserve it. Thank you friend!! XO
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If you foresee that sometime in the future your mother might want to move nearby you, I suggest you put her name on the list at an appropriate place. Chances are, you will have to move quickly so it would be good to have that in place.

Also, if at all possible, get a durable Power of Attorney for health and financial in place for your mom. That way if she deteriorates mentally, or has a health emergency, you can make decisions for her.
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Ltrader Nov 21, 2018
Thank you. I have done both. Great idea about putting her name in list.
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Definitely take care of yourself first! You’re no good to anyone if you’re unhappy and stressed. It sounds like the move will be a good one, close to your grand baby, your children... and if you stay, you’ll be giving that up.
Mom is safe and healthy. I know you’d like her to be safe, healthy AND happy, (we all wish for that) but happiness has to start with Mom. You can’t make mom happy if she’s determined to be miserable. However, you can make yourself happy.
mom can always decide for herself if she wants to move later on.... it doesn’t mean that she’s staying where she is forever. Let her do it on her terms (when and IF she moves near you)...
enjoy your new endeavor!
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Ltrader Nov 20, 2018
Thank you. This was helpful.
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