we both have chronic exhaustion & COPD we live alone with next to nothing support. His Son hasn't been here since December, my Stepson. We have been married 28 years and he had been married for 17 years before me. Anytime either of us brings the subject up and say how bad he feels from the leukemia effects he seems to sweep it under the rug and brings up something with his health or strangers to us. my Husband had lung cancer in '99 which surgery took care of - had a lobe removed, three rounds of skin cancer then this. I have Fibromyalgia,four types of back troubles,migraines, Bi Polar,and have had three small strokes. In addition to my hubby's leukemia he also has diabetes,cholesterol problems and he is at least 100 pounds over weight. Often he cant get up from a crouching and kneeling position so I help lift him up & luckily he hasn't had a bad fall outside of one time when his knees went out on him. My stepson works alot but I don't think it's any excuse not to come see his Dad & I. We also have a Granddaughter who is 16. We need support badly although my Husband insists that he doesn't, although it always cheers him up a bit when we do get company, but on the other hand he gets more depressed when ppl look at him and show their shock about how bad he looks and then they dont like to have eye contact. Alot of times he has had ppl who know us in the neighborhood look at him then look away and either dont say anything to him or talk a few words without looking at him. He also has been getting awfully short of breath both from the lung surgery,his weight gain and the leukemia. His Dr. told him not to feel bad about his weight and tell him since he likes to eat, to go ahead and eat as "thats the only thing you have enjoyment in". 283 pounds,54 inch waist, swollen red ankles and very swollen legs and to me his arms look bloated also . He gets very short of breath when he showers so he doesn't have good hygiene at all, he doesn't care at all. I cant stand it so keep busy with washing blankets,furniture,his truck seat - though that is seldom used, he doesn't let me wash his dirty pants either so they get either a good spray with Fe-breeze or Lysol spray. Wash the floors and spray the Fe-breeze in the air as the odor goes everywhere.He has hyperhidrosis and anxiety, nervous perspiration. It hit me the other day to get one of our old plastic lawn chairs and put in the shower so he can sit. Tried to dry him a few times when he let me Neither him or I can take care of his feet from what the diabetes and age has done to them. I feel just horribly saddened for him to see his depressed state, especially after trying to do things and he cant do them, so he has to come back in to his chair. I am afraid to death to lose him the fear & depression is always on my mind. He is 66 yr.s old,I'm 50. Is it too late to hope that things will turn around a bit and make life a little less taxing on us? Can he lose the weight when he is so obese and doesn't have much ability to walk on account of the weight and the common effects on the body such as knee pain,ankle pain,back pain etc. He has walked three houses down at times before he had to come back and other times he can go around the block. He says he will die and then I'll have a better life, he also says he doesn't have the spiritual strength to help his feelings and to keep going he says he might as well give up and sit and die,etc. I lost my Brother last yr. He had a wonderful chaplain who visited him weekly, my Husband had met her there also and liked her. She also is a chaplain at my church and takes over for my Pastor when he is out. Do you think I should ask her to visit us ? I know it would help me and pretty sure it would him too, but theres the fact of him "not wanting anyone to see him in the state he's in. Am spent in a bad way is needing/wanting to go away for even one or two days selfish or wrong? We dont have a mountain of money either. Have you heard of Hermitages? It looks like a silent get away is what I need. dont know what to think.

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COPD, leukemia, diabetes, obesity, lethargic lifestyle and unhealthy eating. He is slowly killing himself. The way he is going, you may get your break sooner than you think. So sad when people decide to live unhelathy at the expense of others. My you find the break you so much deserve!
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Get someone to take him to a swimming pool for therapy/exercise. Feed him all natural foods from the perimeter of the market. No junk. Plenty of protein. Lots of water. Just do One thing at a time. It's too much. Praying for both of you. xo
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Perseverance, anytime that the showering comes up he is hurt and it only brings more days without it. Thank you for all of your answers they are helpful.My Husband wont go to a support group. The depression drugs hes on dont help him at all and his DR. has tried many many different ones. Going walking is really hard on him, he gets very short of breath and the inhalers do no good. His hips and legs hurt him also when attempting to walk. I've put him on the treadmill quite a few times and he built himself up to 2 1/2 minutes, Honestly he would refuse any outside besides me for support . Was a member on a cancer support online community which I cant recall the name of it. But he ended it when it didn't help him and also told me to quit it when some men started hassling with me. Dont miss the group whatsoever, a few members have kept up their relations with me - especially one of the founders of the group and she is is very helpful. She started the group after her Husband was diagnosed with cancer that he has survived for about 10 years now. I do belong to a "Mindful Meditation" support group and community "reach out" group. Walk around three miles a day with my pup - a English Springer Spaniel. We lost my older dog last month due to cancer. But I'm one of many who believe that pets help with ones stress. Better get outside as my hubby is out there alone working on some fire wood. TYVM for your support !
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You are so young. I mean truthfully, I can imagine he is afraid of losing you. Taking care of him if affecting your health. Please take a break. Stand up for yourself.
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Maury....a couple of things is
Never too late and you are not alone.

If your husband attends a cancer, most
Will have staff social workers, i ask that
You please contact them asap and tell
Them what you have shared with us.
Yes, there is help available.
Yes there are people that care.
Yes, contact the pastor mentioned.
You two can discuss things and
Figure out how to approch.
Yes, i believe your husband is depressed
Which is normal.....there is medication
And other treatments available.
Yes, it is possible to be rx for opd
Theropy, which will help with general
Health and weight.
There are programs to help.
Contact cancer society helpline. There
Are also several online leukemia/cancer
Support groups. There is a leukemia
There is also an online support group
For spouces caring for spouces.
There are also "make a wish" foundation
For older people

Please reach out locally. While here
On the forum, the porch light is
Always on, and available 24 hr day,
Local people will be able to effect
The most change.

So please reach out for both you
And your husband.

May god be with you, take care, and
Drop into this forum anytime.
Helpful Answer (1)

Oh, my... I pray for your comfort and healing right now.

Let's talk about your husband's health issues. Get him off wheat and processed foods for starters. Is he binging on "bad food"? What is making him so bloated and swollen? Is that related to the leukemia? What are the doctors recommending for his health?

Regarding his pants - does he ever take them off? The least he could do is bathe with a handcloth. I recommend getting a shower chair for your husband - the patio chair may be way too uncomfortable for him.

Speak the truth in love to your husband and let him know that you are really concerned about his hygiene and that you don't like the way he smells.

Regarding a break - TAKE it!

May God help you both and give you reprieve and stamina. Bless you.
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You poor dear! What a hard life you are living.

The poor man needs to try antidepressants. When he feels so bad about his situation, he can't really do much to make things better. Antidepressants are really a kind of painkiller, and he is certainly in pain. I know a lot of people don't think they should try them, but ask him to do it for you, because it hurts you to see him so miserable.

You are certainly not bad or selfish to want to get away for a few days. You need a break to take a few deep breaths. I hope you can manage to.

You should certainly contact that chaplain. She will be able to look your husband in the eye no matter how bad he looks.

If at all possible, put your foot down about washing his pants. If you can buy a few extras, that might help. What is his reason for refusing?

Have you contacted your local Council on Aging? They can't solve your problems, but they might have some useful ideas of where you can get some help.

Is there any way to put a little happiness into your life? Do you have a DVD player? You can get his favorite kind of movie from the local library for free. What does he enjoy that wouldn't cost a fortune? Maybe just a jar of cherries and whipped cream to dress up a sundae? It's going to be hard to get rid of the bad sad parts of life, so if you can put anything at all - a pretty suncatcher, or burgers on the grill - on the positive side, it could give you both a lift. (Men are so hard to buy for!) Put a little happiness into your own life, even if he can't. Enjoy the sunshine and a good cup of tea or coffee so that for 30 seconds, life is worth living.

God bless you both.
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