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Daughter is 63 and grandaughters are ages 31 & 36. THey NEVER come to visit nor do they EVER offer any help. We see them on birthdays and holidays to get their presents. I am burned out trying to do it all alone. I’ve talked to them about it and they say they’ll try to visit more often but it never happens. I am soo angry with them for being so neglectful I don’t know what to do. I’m thinking of seeing an attorney and changing our Will so my sister gets the majority of our estate because she has been there for me and him every step of the way. She is my rock. She is so kind to him and he loves her. She’s the only one who helps me. I can’t talk to my husband about this cuz he doesn’t understand. He’s not able to make any decisions anymore. Can anyone give me some advice. This situation is making me sick. I have heart surgery coming up this month and my sis will be staying with my husband. It is taking a toll on my life.

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That’s great advice and I will work on it. Thank you!!
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Reply to Samilynn1
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For your emotional and physical health I hope you can let go of the resentment over wanting people to be different or do something different than they are. I have relatives who will not involve themselves in our dad’s care, and I’ve learned the only one hurt being upset over it is me. They happily go on with their lives. Let it go, you’ll feel better. As for the will, do as you please, if you want to honor your faithful sister that’s great. A will shouldn’t be used like a weapon, but it’s perfectly fair to honor those who’ve been good to us in our lives
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Samilynn1 Jan 1, 2019
Thank you for your prompt response. It was very helpful and gave me a new perspective on my situation. I hadn’t thought about it in this way but you are right. I am not redoing my Will to punish anybody. I am doing it to honor my sister. Thank you for helping me come to terms with my decision.
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I think it is worth changing your will. It's not 'our will'. It sounds as though DH is no longer competent to change his own will, but probably if DH dies first then you will inherit from him. At a minimum, you should certainly be including your sister in your own will. She has also known your husband for a long time, treats him as family, and has been a rock in terms of helping. For you, you have known her for ever, she is family, and she is very very important to you. Most of us expect to leave our estate to our children, not our siblings, but in this case there is every reason to treat her in terms of what she means to you. The only question is whether you leave anything substantial to DH's daughter and grandchildren. DH's previous intentions were made at a different time when he had no idea that this situation was going to arise.

It is worth at least thinking about telling your husband's daughter and grandchildren that you intend to do this. It isn't nice to think that their behaviour could change because of the money. However what's happening now isn't nice either. The most charitable way to look at it may be that they have not really thought about their own responsibilities, because they know that you are coping so well. You want them to think again, and this might be the only way to make it happen.

You have my sympathy. I am going through similar issues myself with a difficult daughter.
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Samilynn1 Jan 1, 2019
I am sorry to hear you’re having some similar issues with your daughter. It is very hurtful and hard to understand how a child could be so disconnected from the pain we are in dealing with the loss of my husband and their father. It’s difficult not to be resentful. I am not one to ask for help but it’s plain to see it’s taking a toll on me. And I am drowning here. I would like to leave money for the education of our great grandchildren. And will honor my husband’s wishes to leave a token amount to his daughter whom I raised since she was 8 years old. But other than that I do t feel like I want to do more. In fact I’m having surgery next week and I didn’t bother to tell any of them. Why bother? My sis will stay with my husband while I’m in the hospital and take care of me when I get home.
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It's understandable why you would resent his family for not visiting but you can't make people do something they don't want to do and stressing yourself out over it only hurts you. People do things or don't do things that upset us and we react. We spend energy and emotion on being angry or resentful and we're the ones who get hurt as a result.

Your husband's daughter and grandchildren don't visit. There's nothing you can do about that. Try to let it go. Every morning make a decision that for that day you will not be angry or resentful. If you find yourself feeling angry throughout the day do something nice for your husband instead.

We can't control other people's behavior and when we try it makes us crazy. Try to let it go. Work on letting it go and don't allow it to take a toll on your life.
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