Husband has chronic pain and is mean spirited. What can be done?

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Together for 30 years. Married for 28. Has always had pain, although in the early years it wasn't super bad. For about the past 12 to 13 years, he has had multiple surgeries, and now, has not worked for 11 years. He injured his back and almost tore off his leg at the knee while in the military, before I met him. Although he walks, he many times takes wheelchairs places we go. His pain level ranges between six and nine constantly. He rarely sleeps past about two hours a night. She say the least he is a very grumpy man. I still work full-time, but but honestly, retirement doesn't look good anymore. The idea of being home with him 24/7, makes me cringe. There is no more and intimacy between us. We argue constantly. He can be verbally abusive, and can make me feel inadequate often. I also believe that I may no longer really care about his pain. This concerns me about myself & just makes me sad. Our life together is not, at all, the way we thought & planned. As he is so mean spirited, we have no friends. I have friends, he does not, at all. He offends them & basically runs them off. His family barely speaks to him, including our only son. My friends & family are worried about me, and have been for several years. My full time job is very stressful, Social Services. I'm a mess at 56 years old.

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Valiegalie, why not try a trial separation? It may make your husband upset, but he doesn't seem like he could be any more upset than he already is. It may be that he prefers to be alone in his pain -- I don't know. Sometimes hurting people don't want to be bothered by others. The main pain I'm concerned about is the pain that you're feeling as he sucks all the joy out of your life. You don't have to live with that. Chronic pain is terrible and we can feel sorry what your husband lives with, but it doesn't mean you have to live in the chronic pain of a tortured life.
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I'm one of the Christians who does not want people to divorce, but there are times when even I believe it is appropriate. Abuse- mental or physical- is a type of abandonment in that the abuser no longer values the abused as a spouse, but more like a dog. I know there are preachers that insist on no divorce or separation, but even Jesus allowed for divorce in some cases. A PCA church pastor can guide you in the actual verses if you'd like. I'm not in a Presbyterian Church but my eyes were opened to this by a dear PCA minister.
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My heart goes out to you. This is so very sad.

New procedures and medications are developed all the time. I hope he has a specialist monitoring his pain levels. And I hope he is willing to try new things.

I don't know how the injury happened, but does he also suffer PTSD? Is that being addressed?

His own son isn't speaking to him? He must indeed be very mean-spirited for that to happen. Has he seen a psychiatrist? Has ongoing psycho therapy been suggested?

Every thing possible should be done to relieve some of the pain. (This is not news to you, I'm sure.)

Every thing possible should be done to relieve some of the mental anguish and depression. This might include antidepressants, as Sorrynotsorry suggests. A psychiatrist should evaluate this.

And when everything that can be done is being done, if he is still abusive to you, and your life is still miserable, I suggest your next step is to see a lawyer. No one should continue in an abusive relationship, no matter how much they love or pity the abuser.

Keep in touch here. We care!
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So why are you still together Valiegalie? Do you feel committed to your vows, obligated to be his caregiver, or are you just fearful of change? Imagine if you fell off the face of the earth tomorrow where would he go? And if he was no longer in your life what would you do? I think once you begin to envision a realistic pathway to the future you can begin to follow it.
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Get him on anti depressants ASAP.
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