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His short term memory is gone but he can still do somethings on his own[ take a shower,get cup of coffee or sandwich,] He can make frozen dinner in microwave,with me watching. We live a 4 hour drive from most of our children, and we recently found out that our oldest daughter has breast cancer and naturally I want to be with her but he wants to stay home, which I don't think I can leave him do. We were up to Pa recently and he just wanted to come home.One of our daughters lives near us down here and she is our driver and does not think we can leave him alone for a few days My daughter with the cancer told me I needed to stay home with Dad that she understands. Her husband is with her and other family members also. She is to be operated on next Monday. I need advice. What should I do? Help

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One of the biggest challenges of caregivers is "who needs us the most?" Choosing between a child - even an adult child - and an ailing spouse or parent is agonizing.

Since your daughter with cancer has her husband for support and your own husband who is your children's father, can't be left alone, my own opinion is that your family would be better off if you stayed home. Your daughter doesn’t need to worry about her father while she’s having surgery. You making sure everything is taken care of on that end would likely be more helpful than if you went to be with her. My thoughts would be different if your daughter didn't have her husband for support, but she does.

Perhaps you can take your husband along to visit your daughter after she recovers a bit. You could stay in a motel so that she doesn't have extra pressure of company but you'd still be able to see how she's recovering. Or, maybe your daughter in town could stay with your husband or have him stay with her just for a couple of days so you could be with your ill daughter after she’s recovered a bit.

Whatever you decide, don’t let guilt rule. You are in a difficult situation that doesn’t have a perfect solution. Each family is different so be open in your communication with your daughters so you can work out the best approach possible.

Best wishes to your daughter in her recovery and to you for all the stress you are enduring.
Carol
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You are caught between a rock and a hard place and unfortunately it probably won't be the last time.I am very sorry to hear about your daughter but it does sound like she has a good family support system with her.You can't be in 2 places at once. Apparently your daughter understands this, and I agree with your daughters, you can't leave him.With his short term memory gone , he literally needs someone with him at all times.If you can get some reliable help to stay with him while you leave great. However, that is sometimes hard to find. For what it's worth, it's obvious you have computer access, how about using Skype to be in contact with your daughter and family, you would at least be able to "see" them and talk with them right in your own home. I did a nursing assignment for 13 weeks in Alaska and Skype saved my sanity, at least I could "see" my husband and he would hold up each of our dogs so I could "see" them and then he would take the camera and face it toward the pasture and I could even see my barn and horses, it's not the same as being there but it was better than nothing and it helped with communication.
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I would get volunteers to go in and help him every day or pay professionals to do it. I would not leave him unattended for even one day.

My loved one was in the same condition when I first realized what was going on, but she was barely functioning and not able to be alone, even for one day. Just because they are able to make a sandwich, take a shower, etc., doesn't mean that other areas are safe. They may suddenly wander, when you didn't think they would. They may ingest something dangerous like cleaner. They may accidentally cause a fire or leave water running and flood the floor. Or they may get scared and call 911. Authorities may wonder why he was left alone, especially, if he gets hurt or wanders.

Is there any family member where he could stay while you're gone? I know you want to be with your daughter, but I would really try to find some help for him before I left town.
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