My husband has difficulty getting words out because the stroke affected the left side of his brain. He needs constant care for everything. He does not have a left arm, due to an accident in 2007. The stroke has left him disabled on his right side. He has no balance abilities and cannot walk. The doctors advised me to have him go to a nursing home. I am not able to care for him at home.
Today, my husband told me several times to take him out to the car to go home. It makes me feel so sad.

Agree with the criticizer - completely - I agree and would love for him to be at home. Would you be willing to live with us to make the 24/7 care possible? Since I cannot lift him I would definitely need commitment from someone who can handle that chore 24/7 - and - when the help ends hubby would have to return to a facility where he can get that kind of care. Criticizer will likely decline. Much easier to tell someone else how to do a job they wouldn't or never have done.

Then suggest - Since you can not do that kind of 24/7 care either, just like me, perhaps you could visit him several times a week so he knows you are thinking about him and concerned about his care. It's hard enough for me to leave him each time I visit because I know he wants to go home.
Helpful Answer (2)
Reply to my2cents

"The length of time I will listen to someone criticize is in direct proportion to how much time the critic spends helping" - Peter Rosenberger
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Reply to sjplegacy

Don't listen to armchair quarterbacks. Those who can do, those who can't talk about it. You are closest to the situation and you know what's best.

I know it's hard but it's what is best. Deep down I'm sure your husband knows this.

Hang in there!
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Reply to Gershun
my2cents May 6, 2021
Let me offer a correction here - ...those who WON'T. . .

Lots of those sideline pot stirrers COULD help. The won't.
Sorry for this tough situation. It really was the right decision though. How could you provide this level of care yourself at home? Impossible.

This family member? I'd stop talking to them! You don't owe them anything.

It is sad when people want to go home and they can't. But it's just not feasible. Don't do it. You can feel sad, grieve for it, but take no action.
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Reply to againx100

If you aren't able to provide the care your husband needs, and his own doctors recommend he go to a nursing home, what choice do you have?
Would the family member who criticizes you about putting him in the nursing home prefer that his care be neglected in favor of him staying in his own home where he can't get the care he needs?
That family member needs to shut the hell up. I'm sure putting your husband in the nursing home wasn't an easy decision for you to make.
I hope you find some peace and happiness. You certainly deserve to.
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Reply to BurntCaregiver

Stop speaking to this family member who likes to criticize you, that's my advice. Let the calls go to voicemail and if you happen to speak to him/her again, let them know THEY can come get your DH out of the SNF and care for him in THEIR home, if it's such a great idea! That should nip that conversation right in the bud immediately.

Armchair critics have a lot to SAY but not a single thing they care to DO.

It is definitely sad that you can't take your DH out of the SNF and back home with you, but such a thing is not possible, given the condition he's in and that he requires 24/7 professional care. Why not take him for a stroll around the grounds in his wheelchair when he wants an outing? Bring him small gifts and treats and know that you're doing the best you possibly can for him.

Good luck!
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Reply to lealonnie1

My mother’s last 5 1/2 years were the happiest of her almost 26 years as a widow.

She was living in a beautiful well run nursing home 3 miles away from me. I went to her every day, twice most Sundays, and her sisters visited every day at lunch time.

”The doctors have advised me to have him go to a nursing home”. The doctors are CORRECT. Unless “family member” is a medical specialist trained in caring for adults with multiple disabilities, and is also willing to schedule (in writing) several lengthy stays in your house while you take respite breaks, HE GETS NO VOTE, and his OPINION is to be disregarded.

Rethink- “Relative” does not “…make (you) feel so guilty”. YOU make the mistake of listening to”relative”, then MAKE YOURSELF FEEL GUILTY. And it is strictly your job to stop thinking that you should be attempting to do something that your husband’s medical professionals tell you can be done more safely and more comfortably FOR HIM in a professional live-in facility.

Tell “relative” that you appreciate his concern (if you do- I WOULDN’T) and that you are prepared to decide on your husband!s future based on the help f his professionals AND your own loving input.

Don’t consider bringing him home for “visits”, unless in some distant future a professional who knows his case believes that a visit would have some positive result (very unlikely). He can learn to accept his NEW HOME as a pleasant place, but he must be given time to do so.

Making your decision for him with love, insight into his needs, and HIS safety and welfare, is your responsibility. You are doing the right thing.
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Reply to AnnReid

My dad had a stroke in the hospital after his heart surgery. My mom had Parkinson’s disease and simply couldn’t care for him at home. He went into a NH for rehab. Mom couldn’t care for him by herself, if he had gone home and she had proceeded with home health as the doctor originally suggested. I am glad that my mom spoke up and told his doctor that she wasn’t able to do that.

After rehab, he did go home but had to continue on with speech therapy. I agreed to take him three times a week. Some people require lots of caregiving after a stroke. Your husband needs the assistance of a professional staff or else the doctor would have told you that he could be at home.

Of course, you are sad. It’s hard knowing that your husband wishes to be home. Please do not feel guilty though, because you truly don’t have a valid reason to be guilty of anything. You haven’t done anything ‘wrong.’ If anything, you have done what is ‘right’ for each of you. It is completely understandable that you miss your life as it was before his stroke.

No one has the right to judge you because they have not walked in your shoes. Even if they have walked a mile in your shoes, he is YOUR husband and YOU are the one to make decisions regarding his care. So, next time anyone says anything due to their ignorance, say to them, “When shall I schedule an appointment with the doctor for you to discuss that you are dissatisfied with what he has recommended?” That will shut them up!

These are the same people who wait until everything is all settled and then ask, “if they can help in any way.” It’s all lip service! Nothing they say is genuine. Take all that they say with a grain of salt. Some people love to be critical instead of offering comfort to others. I guarantee if they were faced with a similar situation they would have done the same as you.

You are a wonderful caregiver by being a terrific advocate for your husband. You have not abandoned him. Wishing you and your husband all the best.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom

Criticizing someone else is easy. And is usually done by those who 1) are clueless about the full scope of caregiving, and 2) would collapse like a deck of cards if they had to shoulder the responsibility. Is there a reason you have to communicate with this relative? If not, save your emotional strength for taking care of your husband.

I'm guessing you looked into nursing home care at home. Some states are more supportive than others... In the past, I toured a couple of AL facilities in converted houses that provided care to high-care (can't think of the actual term) patients - those unable to do anything for themselves. Perhaps a home setting would make him feel safer/cozier.

Wishing you both peace of mind. At the end of the day, you have to be able to assure yourself that you did all you could for your husband.
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Reply to ravensdottir

I don't think bringing him home to visit is a good idea. I would guess there is some Dementia here or some cognitive decline at least. You may get him home but not back in the car to the NH. Plus I see a problem with you getting him in and out of a car with no arm and no strength on the right side. Dead weight. Maybe a nice drive but with the help of staff getting him and out. When my daughter would say goodbye to my Mom, she would never mention the word "home". She would tell her she was going to work or shopping.

Its easy to criticize when you aren't doing the caring. I used to think "how can they put their LO in a NH". But, I became a Caregiver at 65, Mom was 86. Your life is not your own it revolves around one person who needs constant care. No calling a babysitter so you can go out for an evening. It would have to be someone willing to toilet and do other things.

You doctor advised a NH. Why? Because one person cannot give you husband the care he needs. He is probably a 2 person assist. I would tell the family member who is so quick to criticize that they are welcome to care for him. If they don't talk to you again, are you out anything? Because those who criticize are the last ones you can count on doing things and that is caring for another person.
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Reply to JoAnn29

I hope you will try to substitute the word "grief" for the word guilt, because I belief grief is what you are feeling. You have limitations and cannot do 24/7 care. You have done the best you can. I am so sorry. As to the family friend I hope that he or she is quickly made an ex-friend, as he sounds like not a friend to me.
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Reply to AlvaDeer

Tell him and anyone else who gives you guff (including yourself) that you are doing what's best for him for a bad situation. Nursing home vs. home isn't black and white and doesn't mean that one is great, and the other is terrible. Sometimes it means the lesser of two evils.

Do what needs to be done so you're freed up to just love on him and not worry about everything else.
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Reply to MJ1929

I'm sure you have done what is not only best for your husband, but for you as well. Not everyone is cut out to be a hands on caregiver. Can you not take him home just for a visit, now that nursing facilities are opened back up? Maybe that would satisfy him, and he could better see that being at home is just not feasible at this time. I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this. Only you know what is best for you and your husband, so don't pay any attention to what others say. Or tell them that if they don't like him there that they can take him home with them. I bet that will change their tune.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
LoopyLoo May 5, 2021
Taking him home for a visit will do much more harm than good. He won’t want to go back to the NH and it’ll be a saddening and frustrating moment for both.

He isn’t likely to see how he is unable to stay home. If he’s asking to come home, he still thinks it’s possible.
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