My husband (93) is going to a dementia/Alzheimer's facility and going to feel abandoned. What can I do for both of us?

Oh, yes, we learn from each other. I've learned a lot in this site. Thank you for your thoughts.

Cheyenne my heart goes out to you. Nearly everyone in my caregivers' group had to place their loved one over the time they belonged to the group. It was always an agonizing decision, and seemed especially hard on spouses.

Having read a lot about my husband's disease I knew that the most likely path would be to a care center. So I never promised him I won't place him in a care center. I did promise that I would never abandon him. I would always advocate for him, visit with him, and love him, even if he someday had to go somewhere else for the best care.

One day we drove by a large new nursing home. He said, "I don't ever want to be in a place like that." I replied, "I don't want you there, either. I hope you can always stay at home with me. We are doing pretty good so far, aren't we? But if the disease got worse and you needed more care than I could give you, I would find a place that could give you that care. Trust me to do what is best for you. But no matter what happens, I will never, ever abandon you."

Abandonment is really the issue, isn't it? You may feel that you've abandoned him and he may feel abandoned. That would really, really be painful. But you are of sound mind. You KNOW you are trying to do the best for him and for you. You are following up the "better or worse" "sickness and health" parts of your vows. He is not of sound mind, so he may need some convincing and reassurance that you will always be his wife and you will always seek what is best for him.

I hope the transition goes smoothly for you both. Keep sharing your story with us. We care, and we learn from each other.

Hubby will be in a memory care facility. Yes, his children are involved in his care. We went to the facility today for a tour. All of us are happy with what we saw and heard.

Between the personnel there and your answers, I know all will go smoothly.

My dear, you certainly must be distraught
I applaud you for finding this site and seeking information

Please visit it often and ask questions

At 93, is your husband still mobile or have any other health issues? Do you have children who are involved in his care ?
Are you both close in age ?

My 93 year old mom has been in a memory care facility for a year and my observation is that the men adjust much easier than the women- perhaps because they're used to being taken care

Please let us know how it goes

I haven't been in that situation before, but, I can only imagine how difficult it must be to do this, but, certainly, you have given it a lot of thought and the circumstances require it. Placing a loved one in a place where they can be cared for and protected, is a very loving and kind thing. I'd try to focus on that. I'd try to avoid having expectations that he will feel abandoned. I'd try to think in a positive way. Even if he doesn't understand what's going on, he can feel that you are confident and at peace with it.

When I placed my loved one into a MC facility, she seemed to feel more content. It was as if she sensed that they knew how to care for her and that she was with other people with her condition.

I'd discuss the transition into the facility with the admissions director and make a plan. I'd listen to their recommendations.