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My husband and i have taken in his mom with alzheimer's, while her husband is still alive he no longer wants to deal with her and is actually living thousands of miles away. My problem is that he is collecting her ss and has sent some money in the past for her he seems to be slowly pulling away from us and her and i feel it's because he doesn't want to keep sending money. we are not asking him for her whole check but i just feel it is wrong that he keeps all her money and she constantly asks us about it and we don't know what to say, we've told him that she wants her own money because she earned it and he threatens to put her in a home. I will stick money in her purse so she has some when we go out but i get so angry that he doesn't want anything to do with her but he'll keep taking her money.what should we do?

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Take Mom to the Social Security office Monday morning and have her payments direct deposited to a new account for her use, not his. If she needs help, you can become Representative Payee. Just go there, wait in line and talk to a case worker. It's not that hard, and she really does need the money. Then you keep track of every penny you spend and file an annual report. They will walk you through it. It was easier than I thought to do it.

You may/may not have to petition the Probate Court for Guardianship and Conservatorship. It's a hard way to have to go, because it's a LOT of work. He and all interested parties have to be notified of it, and he will probably fight you for it, and maybe win. You may want to get legal advice from a good Elder Law Attorney.

Just because they're married doesn't mean he's entitled to her Social Security. In fact, if they aren't living together, that could be considered fraud. Again, get legal advice. But definitely go to the bank, then SS first thing Monday.

Let him find his own way. Does he have his own money too? Is he working or retired? Is he old enough for his own Social Security?
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If you really want to take on this heavy burden, you should file for guardianship/conservatorship. That way, the court can be involved, and you probably can make sure that she receives the money she is entitled to for her care.
Bless you and good luck
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Thank you for your advice and kindness, unfortunately my husbands two siblings think she should be in a home as well and that their father needs the money more than her. My brother in law is a smart and well off individual and i don't understand his logic because if she goes into a home the state will take her money. It's not all about the money but i just get angry because they have all given up on her and her husband says she is just going to forget him anyway, but since she has been with us she's doing so well physically, we have her doing so much than she did with him. I just don't know how you can give up on someone after 54 years and the worst thing is she doesn't understand why he doesn't want to be with her. sorry i'm rambling it was just nice to have a reply. Thank You
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Effectively your father-in-law has abandoned his wife. It sounds like you need an eldercare lawyer -- if it comes to that. Legally she is entitled to a portion of the check so I am sure you have legal grounds. However, dragging your father-in-law into a legal battle could do more harm than good in the family. Can your husband talk with him privately? Are there other children that could get involved in such a discussion? Moving thousands of miles away sounds like there are other issues.

You are very kind to take her in. I know Alz is tough to deal with, but this kind of treatment makes me want to cry.
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