My husband is displaying typical forms of either Alz or Dementia and anger explosions. Any advice?

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My husband being a colon cancer survivor..now needs a large stomach anyoresum meshed, and has been for seemingly showing signs of ALZ. In researching signs symptoms etc; etc; and reading tons of Alzheimer and Dementia...I'm at a loss, not knowing what to do; he's currently on Wellbutron, doing well with cutting WAY down on smoking...and for his depression...ordered for his anyoureum specialist(up for surgery next week; I've seeked out several friends and family...and they've all brushed me off; I'm hurting...trying to remain strong; have a 14 yr. old sweetheart..yet has needs too...and I'm finding myself fighting depression more and more these days and crying often without anyone knowing. I'm feeling distressed; having to hear of everyone eles problems/ailments; and upset because i havent had health insurance in over 7 years...and have often felt resentment just from that! Is Sundowning typical? Please help ...He will be a bear and become VERY argumentive with me at times...and I know 100 percent he will denie me ever even suggesting he has any of this!!! He's been a argumentive/verbal fighter on me for 20 years..(i'm no perfect angel), yet two VERY different people mentally!!! Please help...I'm a very burn out mentally strong person...(he doesn't think so...I'm nothing but a housefly to him sadly). I'm tired of his accuzations, and put downs..he's 59 now, and I'm 53...After many years of all of our verbal escalades...I'm very, very tired...I've changed so much over the years....he got cancer and all kinds of issues and medical complications so most unfortunate..and very sad, and I'm becoming weaker and more ill having NO insurance; no support; with RA, Low Thyroid; healed from a 3 muscle rotator cuff tear a couple years back...and I'm so burned out with him anymore, also with him having crazy leg syndrom so bad; and sleep apnea and excessive snoring...for 14 years; we've had to sleep seperate...and I'm actually so glad and relieved by having sleeping seperate going on 3 years now...because most days...or every other day like clock work to be expected...SOMETHING will go out of whack with him...either upset, made and clanging dishes around ....hinting to me...voicing his anger or upset or show his moodiness or explosive anger...I've read worse; however there are times and in the past for 14 years he's been a verbal meany and I've suffered greatly then...now realizing, I've put up with his s*** for a total of 28 years...I'm literally feeling like I'm going to go insane if i keep this up...Should i just keep my mouth shut, and get him to his next surgery...and just keep my mouth shut as he will have to heal? and GOD forbid if they give him either percocet or Oxy again...he turns into a complete MEAN monster on those!!! ok..I think i probably broke a world record here...thank you for allowing me to write all of this.

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Have you discussed your observations of his dementia privately, with his physician?

It really sounds like you are at the point where you need to live separately from your husband. Perhaps he needs to be in care center where he can get the attention he needs. If he has this surgery, he will probably need to go to a rehab place, and he could be under observation there to help determine where he should go.

Or maybe this calls for a legal separation or divorce.

Have you looked into applying for health insurance under the affordable care act? I hope you are not in a state that is trying to reject that federal program! I have seen it be a godsend to a self-employed relative who could not afford a private policy. Good luck to you!
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Or, consider the surgery and push for rehab after. He may need it anyway. It is much easier to get them into a facility if it is as discharge from the hospital. All you would need to tell the doctor is that you are not able to provide the care he needs at home. Explain the situation and his reaction to the drugs. Then after some time in rehab think about if you even want to bring him home again.
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I would advise against the surgery, because anesthesia will make the dementia ten times worse. He will not participate in the recovery. There is no repairing the body when the mind will not function. Let it be, let nature take it's course.
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