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Several memory care places deny accepting him due to behavior. I thought that's what these places do? How to get him placed?

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It's just talk, but it sure shocks when one /isn't/ a care professional, as memory care folks are. I drove back and forth a mentally retarded 60 year old man to religious services several times and he asked if I would take his temp rectally more than once. I answered, "I am not a nurse," which eased the situation.
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Reply to pronker
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This is common. I don't agree with medicating to avoid it. Professionals know how to handle it with diverting their attention. My 96yo dad asks his homecare aids to touch him while bathing him and they have a way to still make him feel good w/o crossing the line and then changing the topic
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Reply to wannek
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If it is just 'talk' and nothing physical then he should be able to stay. The real problem lies with the lack of training of caregivers and staff and even administration for pepole who demonstrate these type of sexual undertones who suffer with Alz and Dementia. Many facilities claim their caregivers have had 'specialized training' in working and caring for these type of residents. But what it really boils down to is in many cases they had less than 5 hours of training and then they can call themselves 'certified dementia or Alz caregivers'. It's really poor and a nationwide problem. As long as you LO is not touching/physical contact or the other residents are not in danger, he should be able to stay or find a place. But prior to doing so, he needs a Psych. eval and a seen by a SW. Then the Psych. and his doctor talk together and find the best medicine to start him on - which can take as long at 6 weeks to show improvement with the new meds - they don't always work - but if not, then they need to try something new. Yes, this is a characteristic of Dementia and Alz. but it is one that the facilities and caregivers are not always trained real well how to redirect and find something to keep your father busy - something he is interested in doing - a good distraction. Good luck to you. I was in the same boat but ended up having to move my father out of AL to a NH with behavioral expertise as this was needed to manage and keep the other residents safe. :-)
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Journey15 Mar 5, 2019
Is he a veteran? If so, maybe a "soldier's home" or VA would be more suited to his behavior. My father had the same issues in his late 80's and---it was not appreciated by those in contact with him. His life was short-lived however so problem solved before I had to find a suitable place for him.
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He could be placed in geriatric psych so they can adjust medication and behavior, and then he can go to Memory Care.
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Reply to Rabanette
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I just thought of something. If your husband is doing this to the care givers, why not hire a man care giver. They might be better able to deal with this man.
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Reply to Riley2166
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jacobsonbob Mar 2, 2019
...or have a big, older, "battle axe" type of woman to whom he is unlikely to be attracted, and who looks as if she is capable of putting him in his place (and capable of doing so if necessary). Maybe an ex-military type would fit the bill.
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I don't know how you get him placed. Talk with the doctors and contact the local County Office on Aging for advice. Also, I have heard many times that people with these memory issues do get very "sexual". Good luck. Also ask the different facilities what they do with these people when they get like this. Someone must be able to give you answers.
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Reply to Riley2166
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My dad when he was put into rehab facility had vascular ALS./Dementia. dad ( in his 90s ) was there for rehab. dad had a problem with putting his hand down his pants and touching himself till he was so red and raw. he always woke up with a heart on, the nurses said and he was always talking about boobies. Dad had everyone cracking up over his dire to please himself all of the time in front of anybody and everybody. when I would come in to visit in the morning they would tell me how many times they needed to clean dads private parts due to his getting carried away. every five minutes I would try and pull his hand out of his pants. he said once to me "leave me alone I am having fun. this is the only thing on my body that works right anymore so I gonna use it till it breaks or falls off."
one day I came in and a really angry older woman ran up to me and told me that all the patients are tired of looking at dad exposing himself and playing with his parts. she said the patients voted to get rid of him. I was so embarrassed.
when I mentioned it to the staff they told me that this woman followed dad everywhere and sat right next to him to watch what he was doing.
My dad had a pee tube put in and he would constantly jam up the tube due to his enjoyment.
the nursing home would laugh it off.
The doctor told me that it was natural for most men to do things to themselves as daddy was.
If you need to move him to a new facility my suggestion would be to speak to the nursing home and tell them his behavior prior to placing him there. Like my dad said to me once "If you don't use it youll lose it.".....
to be honest the nurses told me my dads behavior broke up there day giving them something to laugh about....
good luck............
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Reply to lizzy1952
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gdaughter Mar 2, 2019
I think there is something to informing potential places that this is his history and can they deal with it, prior to a move.
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meds will help him deal with hallucinations
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Reply to Johnny13
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This is a quite typical phase of Alzheimer's. He probably is trying to relive his youth. His doctor should be notified immediately.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Hi Clarock! Sorry to hear about your husband's situation. I have personal experiences with men in facility talking sexual & some even touching. I think the best way to deal with that is talk to your husband about it whenever his mind is calm and can understand things . My best suggestion is just have a caregiver come to your home. And explain the situation to the caregiver before hand. Me, personally i dont really care when they're that. But thats just me.
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Reply to Elle19
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My husband has Alzheimer's w/vascular dementia and was exhibiting the same behavior. The psychiatrist at the Senior Behavioral Unit at our local hospital was able to prescribe medication that has not totally removed the problem but with the help of the social worker there, we found a care center that would accept him and they are trained to deal with this problem.
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Reply to Rutucker
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I don't think this is uncommon behavior or at least an uncommon phase amongst Alzheimer and dementia patients. Varying degrees perhaps but not uncommon and if he hasn't actually been physical about it at all it sounds like his behavior isn't nearly as unmanageable as some so I'm really confused as to why it would prevent a MC placement. Seems to me they should be very used to this kind of behavior and know how to deal with it. In this case my guess would be just ignoring his talk, easier for someone not related to him of course and maybe I'm wrong but if a MC can't deal with non physical or violent behavior it probably isn't the facility you want anyway. Now if he is a threat of harm to caregivers or other residents that's a different story and to the best of my knowledge a common reason for MC facilities to refuse patients but that's not what I read in your description of his behavior, maybe it's worth a lengthier talk with the MC facility of your choice. Maybe they have the wrong impression of his behavior or maybe they have parameters that he could meet with time or medication or something. Is he being tossed from the NH he's in for this behavior or do you just recognize that he is going to need MC?
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Reply to Lymie61
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With my daughter they put her on a medication but I do not remember which one. I really worked.
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Reply to Retirenurse
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I encourage you to sign up for TEEPA SNOW's Positive Approach to Care webinar entitled Sexuality and Intimacy and Dementia. Teepa is one of the world's experts on dementia.
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Reply to TouchMatters
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You might want to read a new book that just came out from Jessica Kingsley Publishers by Danuta Lipinska, "Dementia, Sex and Wellbeing: A Person- Centred Guide for People with Dementia, Their partners, Caregivers and Professionals."
I hope it helps.

All the best in this challenging situation for you, your husband and those who seek to care for him.
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Reply to BritishCarer
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I will only say that this will probably pass after awhile, it did with my father.
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Reply to Glendaj2
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My mom worked in a nursing home with an elderly man who asked her one day where they were going to have sex. I think medication could help with some of that behavior.
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shad250 Mar 2, 2019
Lol
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That’s exactly what’s happening with my mama right now! So frustrating!
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Reply to Hiimlilmama
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I'm not an expert but perhaps an environment with just male nurses...
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Reply to tcdigits
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Alzheimer's Is what it is. Care givers should understand this. The brain is no longer functioning properly.
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Reply to Lynn2019
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Is he doing more than talking? Has he been aggressive? They do need to protect staff. I agree, the staff at these places should know how to handle situations like that. But picture a little 5ft woman trying to fight a man. Even elderly men can be very strong. I do agree that maybe a med may help.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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Clarock Mar 2, 2019
He is not physically aggressive.
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It is what these places do. Since they're not cooperating, file a complaint with your state's ombudsman. Then ask around with friends and family to see if any of them can recommend a place. Also, check with your local hospital and see if their social worker can recommend someplace as well.
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Reply to mmcmahon12000
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This mystifies me because my mother exhibited the same behavior. It’s almost like all filters disappear when our loved ones suffer from dementia. My mother was convinced that her NH/ MC was a “brothel” and absolutely everyone was sleeping with everyone else, including in the bed next to her. There were lots of times I felt like taking a shower after a visit because her discussions were so disagreeable. Alzheimer’s manifested itself in her case with rampant hallucinations and delusions.

The staff at her facility did not try to convince her otherwise. They did not argue, confirm nor deny. They ignored her when she started. Now, she never “hit on” any of the staff. At one point I did “get in her face” and told her that she needed to be a lady and ladies didn’t talk like that. It actually helped. Is it possible that your husband is acting out? Maybe becoming physical with staff?

I’ve read on this site that this is common among Alzheimer’s/dementia patients. Can you call a Care
Conference and ask for a Geriatric Psychiatrist to evaluate him? It may be as simple as a change or addition of medication.
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