My husband of only 18 months has dementia. He has been in behavior hospital, now rehab. Everyone keeps asking me about NH. I can't!

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The NH here in Odessa don't have the best ratings. He constantly ask about his children when don't visit often and try to blame me. It is not about them nor myself, I feel its about getting best for my husband but I am so overwhelmed and tired. Please any advise is appreciated.

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My husband developed dementia just before our 30th anniversary. I never promised him that I would keep him at home. I did promise that I would always see to it he had the care he needed and that I would never abandon him. We talked (in his more lucid periods) once in a while about the possibility that he might some day need more care than we could manage at home, but that if he had to go to a care center I would be his advocate and would would spend a lot of time with him there.

As it turned out, I was able to keep him at home, with help, for the entire journey of almost ten years. I am glad. It would have been very hard for me to place him, but I meant my promise and I would have done it if it were best for us.

Eighteen months of marriage is different than thirty years. Your situation is different than mine. I hope that you will bring yourself to the point where you "can" consider a care center (probably memory care) because at some point that may be the best thing for both of you. Whether that point in now is what you have to judge for yourself. How much did the hospital stay and the rehab help? Is he improved enough to make home care possible, at least for a while? Or would it be better to bite the bullet now?

My heart really goes out to you. This is a heartbreaking position for a spouse to be in.
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my husband also was in a behavior hospital, or as they called it Transition hospital to re- evaluate his meds, after 15 days they wanted to then move him to rehab, but he did not have any health issue that qualified the move to be covered by Medicare, so the transition team kept him 15 more days ( what they were looking for was somewhere where they could monitor the new meds) at that time they then suggested Assisted Living at the cost of a mere $290 per day x 30 = $8700 per month- with us not qualifying for medicaide I opted to bring him home, where I wanted him all along. It has now been 14 Days and all is good, I have not had to ask for any med tweaks, he sleeps all night, I need no help with caregiving presently, we just go out together, it would be nice if his daughter (55 y o RN) could help me out with a couple of hours a week so I could relax & get my nails done or hair cut, but she has dropped him & I like a hot potato so all I can do is hope & pray he stays like he is now, with enough indepence to keep him aware of daily things he needs to do like shaving, teeth, bathroom. I am like you, I just could not do it, put him in a NH, it was hard enough leaving him every day at the transition center. Lead with your heart.
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I am caring for both parents from afar and my Dad is in a Memory Care Unit while Mom is at home with mild dementia. Dad was placed about a year ago and the first six months, he was in 5 hospitals and 3 different memory care units! As CarolLynn said, what you really need is a memory care unit. They can be part of Assisted Living facilities or stand alone and you will find them very different from nursing homes. Residents get up and get dressed daily; must be ambulatory, they eat family style in a dining room and have lots of planned activities geared for dementia. If your area doesn't have this, perhaps the hospital he is in ...their social worker assigned to him, can help find a small care home that is geared for dementia too. If you have a choice of places to consider, you will want to go and inspect yourself and ask questions. One important question to ask, unless he has lots of financial resources, is if the places are Medicaid certified, because it is difficult for dementia patients to have to go through changes, and if you expect he will need Medicaid assistance to pay, and it's possible to move into a place that is certified, as a private pay resident first, then he may not have to move several times as my Dad did. I also suggest finding an eldercare attorney to help you walk the path you will be walking. Mine has a case manager and a financial manager who helped with the Medicaid applications (a very long process for us!@) and to check up on things when I cannot travel to see them. It is also possible to have your husband home with caregivers assisting as well, but it depends on if they have fixed the behavior issues and whether he can be safe at home with you for awhile. We spent 6 months with Dad having a part time caregiver at home, and then 2 months with nearly 24/7 caregivers before his behaviors got so bad. Now that his meds are adjusted, I really think he could be home again with caregivers, but my Mom is unable to tolerate that situation and he's been well settled in his current place since July so I am leaving it as it. The meds make a big difference with the behaviors that come with the dementia. Also my Dad calmed down a lot as the dementia progressed too. I wish you my best....it is very difficult to deal with this disease.
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I have had the privilege of caring for my Grandparents and my Father! I am not my Mother's caregiver! It is not easy and I am not going to lie to you but when you love someone you do what needs to be done. I would encourage you to get in touch with your local Area Agency on Aging ask if they have any programs to help you. I would also encourage you to check with the Alzheimer's Association for a support group! Many homecare agencies will be able to help with bathing and maybe even some respite for you! take care and God bless!
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I've discovered that nh and rehab ratings don't tell you the whole story. The best rated rehab place in the state was a disaster for my mom because they knew nothing about dementia. Talk to your discharge planner and look for yourself.
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Dear heart,

Yes, you CAN! If you are already overwhelmed and tired, please believe me when I say that you have no idea how much worse it would be for you, and ultimately for him, if you were to try to bring him home.

You don't mention his age or yours, but if he's already been diagnosed, I hope the medical/psycholigical evaluators have been honest with you and explained that it's pretty much all downhill from here. And a hard row to hoe.

Look for a proper memory care facility to house him in, let the professionals be his caretakers, and you be his WIFE. You will have plenty to do in just supervising his ongoing care.

After only 18 months of marriage, that this has happened has to be such a jolt to you, changing the entire course of your life and all of your plans. I'm so sorry.
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