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My mother in law has developed dementia. It has reached a point where she can't stay home by herself, and my husband and his brother have moved her into an assisted living facility. It's a beautiful, expensive facility, but she's unhappy there because it isn't her house, and she wants to return home. My husband has been stressing himself out running to her house across town to get things for her and taking them to her in the facility several times a week, and every time he sees her, she complains and wants to go home.

My husband brought up to me the possibility of having her go back home and having us move in with her, to take care of her. My husband works full time. I stay home and homeschool our early elementary aged child.

I really think this isn't a good idea, for multiple reasons. Our child has developed severe food allergies, and I'm still learning how to cook for this diet. I have health issues and am on a special diet. Adding another person to cook for who has fixed preferences for convential foods would add another layer of cooking labor when it's already overwhelming. I also have limited physical capabilities due to injuries.

My mother in law can be very sweet, but she is often very critical and speaks negatively about people, and has her TV on constantly, tuned to angry politics and violent news. She also collects papers, magazines, and other things, and her home is full to bursting. Not quite hoarders level because it's mostly organized and clean, but there are many boxes and piles of papers. She's been this way as long as I've known her, and I can only imagine it getting worse. My husband gets irritable after spending time with her (again, this has been going on since before the dementia). I don't think I'm physically or emotionally capable of meeting her needs. I think it would be very detrimental to our child. I think it would be extremely detrimental to our marriage. I don't know how I'd be able to adequately homeschool and take our child to activities while being responsible for someone with dementia at home. 


On top of this, my mother (who lives in another city) is dealing with cancer right now, and I need the freedom to be able to go and see her on occasion.

Everything in my gut tells me that moving in with her is a bad idea, and that she needs to stay in care, but I dont' know how to tell my husband. I don't want him to think I don't care. I do care, but I think we need to be realistic about what we can handle, and I think this is more than we can handle.

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Moving your family in with your mother or father can cause a strain that could effect your marriage.
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Not a great decision.
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Don’t do it & just listen to your gut. I took my mother home from nursing home 6 months ago & now she got much worse & is violent....I am getting sick myself because of it
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Caring IS setting boundaries and maintaining your own sanity / mental health.
It sounds like you already know what you want and need to do and need/want support to do it. Could you sort this out with a therapist - for you - and/or couples therapy for short term? There are trained social workers who also might be able to help you - who work with families.

Give her time to adjust. It takes a while and she may continue to express her dismay about the change. This is somewhat natural when losing so much independence. Of course she wants to be in her own house. Rather than respond logically with 'answers' or the why this is better 'this way,' offer REFLECTIVE LISTENING, acknowledging her feelings in the moment. This doesn't get into an argument or discussion about her moving back into her house; it is acknowledging she feels however she feels about the situation.

Your husband may be dealing with feelings of guilt - or some very deep feelings - to even bring this up as a possibility. I believe a few sessions with a trained professional (therapist or social worker) could be very helpful to both of you. It is 'easy' to give advice here - and much of it is very helpful/supportive, but it isn't like being in real time talking through feelings with a professional - who is likely experienced in these matters. Gena
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Your mother in law will only get worse and worse. She will, eventually, tell you she wants to 'go home', but where 'home' is doesn't mean where she is living!..... You will regret moving in, it will destroy your marriage, and you could DIE long before she does from the stress. For chrissake, you have enough on your plate including HOME SCHOOLING, an old woman with dementia in the house, are you kidding??? No. No. No. NO. .....ok, that's my opinion. Read the other words of wisdom of people who have been there, and get a clue.  This is a terrible terrible idea, get a backbone and stand up the the person with a p*nis and tell him NO.  
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As another poster noted, it takes time to adjust to AL. My mom wanted to go home as well- its natural to feel that way- after all home is where the memories are- and the comfort of 'normalcy'. But what home doesn't provide- is the social- and your husband and family are not the type of social interactions/community your MIL needs. Also AL provides the safety of trained personnel that are equipped to help your MIL. As my mom became less steady on her feet, and unable to lift herself from chairs, I became less able to help her- I'm a petite gal with osteoporosis- and while I'm strong, lifting her and hoping she wouldn't fall onto me became a huge stress on me. She'd also scream at me out of fear of falling. When a capable caregiver helped, it was a totally different experience beacause they have techniques that I would never think about. Anyway, didn't mean to go off on a tangent- my point simply being that AL is definitely the right option! And while your MIL may say she wants to go home - she's probably enjoying herself a lot more than she leads on!
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First, I want you to know that I have been homeschooling for more than 20 years. It's hard work. But- it is NOT the reason you don't being mom home. Do not mention that as a reason- overcoming that objection is too easy and really is not why grandma can't live with you. It's all the other reasons, the reasons everyone else gets when they ask if they should bring grandma home.

It was great to have multi generational homes when grandparents could help. Most died before they developed dementia. Modern medicine can cure cancer and heart disease, but dementia is a terminal illness with no turning back.
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Listen to your "gut!" It is really your common sense talking.
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NO!!!! All elders complain and beg to go home. Don't let her guilt your husband.

Mom may seem good now but what will her needs be 2 yrs from now? Is he prepared to live with mom under her roof and thumb for the next 29 yrs?

The burden will fall on you. You will be a 24/7 prisoner at beck and call of his mom, every meal, dr appts., she'll be expecting to be included on all outings, vacations, weed getaways. You will be trapped.

You and husband should have a consult with facility director about moms needs, future prognosis, how they can better deal with her wanting to go home (they should have expertise and success in dealing with residents regarding this)-- do this before you make any decisions.

You and hubby need to have full discussion on how this will affect your family long term. How you are not equipped nor desire to be caregiver at this stage in your lives.

Don't do it. Don't be guilted into it.
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My husband is an only child. Father passed away 6 years ago, we moved his Mom in 2 1/2 years ago. I've been a stay at home Mom, and youngest is now in high school. I was going to go back to work to help pay bills, and oldest sons college. That isn't happening now. His Mom has dementia, when she first moved in with us, she was still driving, and going out. Within a few months of moving in, she had a fall, and dementia has gotten so much worse. There is no other family around. We now can not leave her alone, we can't go away together as a family on vacation. It has totally changed our marriage, family, and life. Unless there are NO other options, I would advise against moving in with her. We have MIL here, in our home, and I no longer feel like this is my family, or my house. I love her, but not at the expense of my own family, and now we are basically stuck in this situation. Go with your gut, I wish I would of.
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Do not do it. End of discussion.
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show him all the different posts on people living with the people they care for. the others are right. if he knows he'll be expected to actually do some hands on care, he may well change his mind.
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Hi SummerHarvest

I agree with all of the above. Dementia is a family disease - it affects everyone involved. My mom with Alzheimer's lived with us for 2 years. MIL will become the topic of every conversation, will be the deciding factor in every thing you have to do. You will lose your freedom, you will give up a portion of your life.

She is exactly where she needs to be. Dementia is a progressive disease and she will get worse. My mom has been in memory care for 1 year and she has deteriorated mentally and physically. She has never accepted it as home. If there is any comfort to be told, tell your husband that yes, she wants to go home; but in all honesty she will eventually forget.

In one years time, from living with me - my mom thinks I am her sister. She believes she is in her hometown as a child and that her parents are still alive. Mom is 94. I am sure this process if very painful for your husband, it was for me to. But she will eventually forget about her current house and who you are. My mom has forgotten her home of 60 years. So if there is any comfort in that - go with it.
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Don't agree as I had said that to KImber166 too do not agree I am in this boat now it has caused nothing but stress on my marriage, kids I feel worn out & dear MIL has made herself very comfortable & has turned nasty like its expected of me to look after her. Our culture does not believe in putting parents into nursing homes unfortunately but it was ok for my MIL to have her MIL in a nursing home & have nothing to do with her!! Look out for yourself first always.
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Hi SummerHarvest,

This is what first stood out with me when I read your post - pay attention to what you wrote; "but she's unhappy there because it isn't her house, and she wants to return home."

My husband's mother who had severe Dementia lived with us, until her passing. She always talked about 'going home' - referring to where she grew up - even while living in her own home she made those comments.

This is a common challenge with Dementia patients. They often speak of how they are not happy with where they are. I personally believe it has to do with the spiritual aspect of them 'wanting to go home' - to pass from the misery they are experiencing emotionally, to leave the home we call Earth. So her comments may seem she is only referring to her 'physical place' known as home, but her comments may actually be based on a deeper emotion - spiritually speaking.

Not saying this is yet where your mother-in-law's state of mind may be, however chances are that if she moved in with you she would still be saying, "I want to go home." If not now, eventually she will probably be saying she wants to go home - even if she were in her own home.

There is of course always an adjustment period. Not wanting to advise that you ignore her pleas, but when she brings them up perhaps thats a good time to ask her questions like, "Did you make a new friend here today?" etc.

Regarding your family: Your marriage and children are your first priority. For my husband and I it was just us - no other family members in our home when my mother-in-law lived with us. Even then it was extremely difficult having her live with us. In her case - she could not live alone, but even worse she could not be left alone at times for even minutes - let alone hours. You have to realize that with Dementia you eventually have to become the memory for that person - to assist them with their every need, and at times nearly every minute! It's a daunting task, and one that could destroy your marriage and your family life.

My best advice: Don't allow your mother-in-laws pleading to 'go home' to give you or your husband a guilt trip, which could result in a devastating decision for your family if she moved in. She most likely would not be happy - no matter where she would live! Your husband I'm sure wants to do best for his mother, but he needs to first do best with your marriage and family.

Almost forgot to say: Regarding your husband taking things over to his mom from her home. I feel it would be best if he would only deliver to her the 'must have items', and in one trip. The problem with him making multiple trips to deliver things to his mother probably intensifies her desire to 'go home'. Every item he delivers to her from her 'home' would only serve as another memory for her that she isn't home. The material items really won't help her to feel at home, but most likely just remind her of where she came from.
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Do not do it. Your mother in law will be getting worse as her dementia progresses. You will eventually be forced to place her in a nursing home anyway. This move will only be a temporary solution. I cared for my elderly husband before he died--and it was a full time job! He had cancer, heart failure, diabetes. I loved him and he loved me--but I was totally exhausted! It's far worse to care for someone with dementia because they don't understand their condition and sometimes refuse to be cleaned or cared for. You won't be able to care properly for your child. Will your husband try to make you feel guilty for not bringing his mother home? It is not realistic to bring her home--only to have to send her away again as she gets worse. And she will get worse. Think of your child. Think of your marriage. Think of the future. When you speak with your husband, you can ask him to wait and see if she adjusts. Perhaps he wishes that his mother would not criticize him and hopes that when he brings her home that she will be happy and grateful. I strongly doubt she will. You cannot give your mother in law the care she needs as her condition worsens! Even if she is happy and grateful, she will still eventually suffer from falls (you can't watch her 24/7), incontinence, bed sores, infections, etc. Emphasize that you are concerned about her health in the future and concerned that she live in a facility where she can get proper medical care. Your concerns are valid--even if you don't love your mother in law as much as your husband does. My heart goes out to you.
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Your husband may be spending too much time with his mom, which will delay her settling into her new environment. I learned this the hard way. I was visiting three days a week and my mom was constantly asking me to retrieve items from home that she thought she needed. Finally the facility director pulled me aside and gently told me that I needed to cut back a bit on my visits as my mom was using me as her "social life" and not trying to adjust. Cut my visits to every 3-4 days and was surprised at how much she improved. Don't know what kind of facility your mother-in-law is in but this could be the case with her & your husband also. Do not move in with her. I tried for 6 weeks with my mom & suffered tremendously from stress & verbal abuse. Some people can handle this - it sounds as if your plate is already too full.
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I haven't read all of the responses but I would suggest that you reverse the situation. Dealing with an angry parent with dementia is incredibly difficult. My 93 year old mother went through the, sadly, diminishing stages, from condo to independent living to assisted living, based on her physical and mental condition. She was very angry much of the time and it was torturous to be around her. I would never have asked my husband and/or children to deal with the toxicity she generated. My mother has dementia, and, after the last scene she caused at her facility and was hospitalized because she demanded it (there was NOTHING wrong with her) I requested a psych consult. She is on a low dose of Lexapro and it has made her much more relaxed and less anxious and has, obviously, improved the relationship she has, with everyone, family and staff. So, for our family, it has been a blessing and I would suggest you think about it. But, again, as difficult as it is for your husband, living with her would increase your anxiety and your child's anxiety a hundredfold. You need to protect your family and your sanity. And, as others have said, you and your husband need to come up with a strategy to cope and realize you cannot always "make it better." You cannot alleviate her anger or behavior on your own. I am sorry, I wish you the best.
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Do not bring her to your home. You have lots on your plate already. Listen to your gut. Listen to the advice above on how to approach your husband.

I only wish to add something which may help your husband deal with his mother while she is in the facility....

I placed my Mom in memory care 5 months ago, after my husband and I had moved in to care for her for 5 years. That was extremely difficult, as we had no privacy at ALL. Constant interruptions and crisis due to her dementia, falls, confusion...and there came a point where we could not work anymore, and were getting sick ourselves from all the stress. (I have shared this in the context of other answers on this blog.)

When I moved her into the memory care facility, I was warned by the social worker that the more I, or my brother, visited her the less she would adapt to the facility. They suggested a couple of weeks of NO visits at first. But I could not listen to this. How could I just dump my mother there and not visit her? I could not do it. So, the first 3 weeks I went to visit her every day, and she wanted to come home every day. Then, for my own peace of mind and my ability to work, I cut down to visiting one day yes, one no. This gave her a chance to get to know the caregivers there.

Now, I go only 2 or 3 times a week, making one visit a longer 2-3 hour visit, and the others just a 30-40 minute hello. Mom now is adapting more. It does not mean that she has stopped wanting to "come home", but she brings up the request less and less and when I tell her she needs 24/7 care which I could no longer give her, then she understands...for a few minutes then dementia takes over and she asks again. Patience.

In relating to her, I have learnt that "come home" means something different to her, as she thinks that we live in a house with an upstairs which we rent out...We never have! She lived in a condo for decades. Asking her about it, I realized that she is thinking of her house when she first married, decades ago.

Please tell your husband that the process of her adapting to a new home is not easy. It may take months for her. And, it WILL take strength from within him to not react to every little whim or request his mom has although guilt may arise at times. He needs to learn about the disease for his own sanity.

Your husband needs to weigh your marriage on one hand, and his mom's professional care on the other, without sacrificing you. He needs to make a tough decision. I did. It was very difficult. And truthfully, he HAS to know it is her illness speaking out most of the time, and that it will get more difficult to deal with her as the illness progresses. By that time, if she is at home with you, you will all be very tired and lifeless.

I apologize for the drama here, but my husband and I, with love in our hearts, went through this for 5 years and do not wish this hardship on anyone. Don't take on this burden as it will cost you more than an emotional $5,000 a month in the long run.

Again, listen to your gut, have courage and put your foot down for the sake of your health and family.
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1. Talk with him.

2. If he does not listen, show him the posts from here.

3. If he still does not listen, tell him that you two will need some marriage counseling from a therapist or a pastor.

4. If he still does not listen, then calmly tell him that when his mother arrives at the house that you and your child will leave.

5. It's been three days since starting this thread. Thus, choose now what you will do and make it so.
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Don't do it. I agree with everyone else. She will be your responsibility. Taking care of a person with dementia full time is 100 times worse than you can imagine. Her condition will continue to decline and your life will not be your own. You will become angry and resentful, your child and marriage will suffer the consequences. I know this from personal experience. Good Luck to you.
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You need to go with what your gut is telling you. Only you know your limitations.

Many persons with dementia go through a phase where they want to "go home". This happens even when they are in their own home. My mom lived in her home for over 30 years and went through the "I want to go home" phase while sitting in her livingroom. Her needs for physical care will only increase too... You can't do it alone so you will either need to hire help or your husband will need to pitch in. My mom only weighs 80lbs but some days it takes two to change her.

I will say that if you really have a desire and the physical ability, it can be done. I care for my mom with stage 7 Alzheimer's in my home. I also work full-time.. My boss allows me to do all but one 2 hour meeting a week from home. I also home school my 2nd grade grandson....but my husband is retired so I have his support and 4 grown daughters that pitch in. You cannot do it alone.

Have your husband read The 36 Hour Day...and some of the articles and posting about behaviors. He needs to fully understand what he is asking of you and his son. Hang in there and let us know how it goes.
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Summer harvest, TRUST your gut feeling. When loved ones state they want to go home or they don't want to leave their home to move to a facility, what they often mean is they want to feel safe and secure. Moving in to a parent's home as the caretaker(S) changes the roles of parent to child to child parenting parent on parent's turf with all new rules. The best on intentions can turn into a vicious cycle of conflict where everyone is constantly stressed which is not good for anyone. One of the greatest difficulties is actually getting a loved one to move into a facility. I can't imagine reversing that and taking your mother in law "back home" unless there are concerns about staff neglect or financial issues that leave you no choice. Simply moving your MIL back home because she "wants to go home" is asking for trouble in my opinion. Maybe you can show your hubby this message board with opinions from people who have tried to care for or are caring for loved ones at home. Good luck with your decision.
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Having had both my in-laws with Alzheimer's and Dementia at the same time is and was very difficult. Dad has passed and mom is in a very nice Dementia wing in a nursing home. Being taken care of with the best staff. It was very consuming emotionally. Living with a loved one with Dementia will take up all your time physically and mentally. You have children will being even harder. Doesn't matter how young or old they will see a change in the their grandmother. They have mood changes. My 2 children are in their 20's and D ont visit her anymore because they want to remember her as their grandmother that knew them and loved them. My fil was a sweet person, a pastor. He litteraly changed moods to one day hit a staff member and yelled at me with words a sailor wouldn't use in mixed company. It broke my heart and glad the kids weren't their.
You need to sit down with your husband and explain your feelings and one more thing YOU will be doing all the work!
He'll say you won't but you will, I'm guessing he'll be at work. Then he'll have a bad day at work, you'll be exhausted then the kids will get the heat from it. He needs to understand that this illness is very stressful on families as it is without adding heat to it with moving in with her. There will never be time for you or him. The kids will suffer and he can't say that won't happen because it will. He needs to sit down with the staff their and I bet they have a councelor their and discuss how you will feel and what will happen. My mil hated going also but they got use to it eventually. Plus doctors will tell you the more times you move them the dementia increases with their confusion. If approached in a loving way. Mom you have to stay her for your own safety, get involved with hobby because you need to be here. She'll get mad but eventually move forward. Sad thing she will soon have to move to a nursing home, so the less moving the better. Tell your husband that you have too much on your plate and that it's best health wise for her to remain there and also for sanity of your family and marriage. Good luck and most of all be truthful to yourself!
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SummerHarvest, listen to your gut instincts. I moved my mom in with me over 5 years ago and she has dementia as well. If I had a husband and children here as well, OMG. With the road my mom is going down, it would have been a catastrophe for all involved. As it is, I am not married and my kids are grown and living their own lives. With that said, the little bit of family that was helping in the beginning, do not help at all. Dementia can be very unpredictable and no two people have the same experience with the disease.
Knowledge is the key. I don't know if your husband is the type to read and do some research, but if he is, it will absolutely open his eyes, mind, and heart. He will understand that what his mom is doing with her complaining is normal. He may have to stop going less frequently to help her adjust. If you can afford to keep her where she is, I would agree with your gut instincts and keep her there.
As the disease progresses she will need to move to a facility with a higher level of care.
So, I don't know you or your husband, but I do know the caregiver experience with my mom, dementia, stress, frustrations, loneliness, family, friends, finances, my mental health, my full-time job, etc. etc.
You already know the answer, you just need to figure out the best way to explain to your husband why it is not in the best interest of anyone to move your mother-in-law out of the living facility and then your family moving in with her. The level of care that comes down the road can be overwhelming for anyone. With everything going on with you, your children, and your mom. Take care of you, your husband, your children, and both of your moms in a way that works for you and your husband. Good Luck. Take care of yourself :) Many hugs coming your way.
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Hi SummerHarvest.
Listen to Your gut instinct. If You do not feel happy with the idea of
moving in with Your Husbands Mother. Do NOT.
You must protect Your Marriage at all cost, and Your Child too.
Suggest to Your Husband that He organise a Team of Carers Who
will work in rotation with Your Mother in Law in Her own Home.
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YOU are the one that should have the most say in this because I can guarantee that you will be the one doing the most.
You are going to do the wash
You are the one cleaning
You are the one going to be chasing after her when she wanders
You are the one that will get up at night when she has to go to the bathroom..for the 5th time...
You are going to be the one that will bathe, dress, groom her.
You will be the one that will take her to doctor appointments.
You will be...oh you get the idea!

Personal opinion leave her where she is, she is getting the care that she needs, you can be a loving family when you visit. When you are a caregiver you are never "off duty" at home.
I can bet that once your family moves into HER house she will not be happy either. You will be "invading" her space.
Soon she will resent you there and you will resent her for the amount of time that she is taking you away from the family.

As a parent the main goal is to raise the children you have to "leave the nest" and raise your own family. You have a family to raise. I can also bet that if your Husband had asked his Mom 20 years ago "Would you want me to uproot my family and move in with you so we could help care for you" her answer would have been "NO, I do not want to be a burden"
(Ask your husband if he would want his daughter to move her family in to help care for him when the time comes, see what he says about that)

So unless your Husband and his brother come up with an acceptable solution to hire caregivers moving into her house to care for her does not sound like a good idea.
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It is a hard adjustment and your husband is stressed and feeling guilty. Mom knows how to push his buttons. Please reassure him that it was the correct and responsible decision to place his mother where she can get appropriate care. If you can, visit with your husband. But only if you can be upbeat. Sit down with your husband and tell him moving in with mother is a non starter. It will disrupt your family with no positive results for his mom. It would be like letting your child eat buckets of ice cream. He might want to but you know it's not good. I went through h*ll moving my mother to Assisted Living. But now it's a year and half later and she has adjusted. Good thing because after her latest illness her dementia increased to the point I know I could not help. She buzzes staff every night. At least twice. But they are paid and on a schedule. I would be on duty all the time. Your husband needs to let mom adjust. I set up a schedule. I visit on certain days. Those are the days I bring her what she has requested. I don't hop anymore! I also told staff her interests and they nudged her into activities. I try to do something she enjoys when I visit. We sit with a coffee and her favorite donut. We play a board game. I bring photo albums and ask her to tell me about the people. Hint: For the first year I brought only very old photos so she wasn't reminded of the house she just left. 
BTW staff at these places get a bad rap. Sure there are bad apples but there are also great ones. One woman who my mother likes visited her in the hospital on her off day! I found out then that her own father is in a different facility. She said she couldn't imagine taking care of him alone. " I have a whole crew backing me up at work. That's what my dad needs, a crew. I just need to be his daughter. "
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Previous posters have been eloquent. I just want to add one thing -- do not even allow this on a temporary basis to "see how it goes."
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I'm not a psychic, But can predict if you go along with your husband's wishes, you will heartily regret it in a very short time. The time may have come when you need to put your foot down and simply say "No." You have more than enough on your plate right now and don't need the added responsibility of an elderly woman with a condition that will only get worse. You are neither trained nor equipped to handle her. As her condition worsens, you will most likely have to modify your house to keep her from wandering. You are exposing your child to grandma with this disease as well. Her lucid moments will become fewer and farther between and you will have to know how to deal with this, including explaining to your child why Grandma is acting like this. She will be a presence in your life 24/7/365. Hubby will be able to get away to his job, leaving you with the responsibility of his mother. Can you accept that? As the disease progresses, her personal hygiene may become lacking and you will also be responsible for keeping her clean and explaining THAT to your child. Denpending on what her "version" of this awful disease is, she may become hallucinatory and verbally abusive and everyone will be her target. Can you do all this and still care for yourself, your child and support your own mother? I faced this when my husband, not really considering the implications or my feelings, began to make plans to have his spoiled, bratty and also mentally challenged teenaged sister come live with us. I had no real relationship with my in-laws and we were already the first call when parents-in-law needed a babysitter for her. Hubby was very concerned with being a good son and making a good impression on his parents. He had little concern for my feelings. Even though we'd been married for less than a year, I said no way when he mentioned taking her in for 6 months out of the year. (He had 3 other sibs) and that was that. We did our share with his sister, but I refused to be used by my in-laws.
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