What do I do?

Follow
Share

I will try to make this short but not sure if I can. My husband and I just married last November and have lived together since we became engaged (2 years). My husband (we) is a caregiver to his mother who is 75, had multiple strokes and has dementia (maybe earlier to mid). He was taking care of his dad also before he died last year. She has basically given up on everything, she will not walk without assistance (although she can but has issues and needs handicap assistance after a short time (rails)) we try to do all that we can for her but there is only so much that we can do. She sleeps most of the days and when she is up all she does is call for my husband or i to do things for her. He is at her becking call constantly, he (we) doesn't sleep and goes to work exhausted on a daily basis and falls asleep on the couch at 8:30 every day (keep in mind we are only 42!). He found himself in the hospital earlier this year for four days, stress and worrying are effecting his health. I had quit my job so I could take care of her in the day time, it became too much as I found myself hurting my back trying to help her out of bed and it took its toll on me. We found a great adult day care, not only to help take care of her but to also get her some mind stimulation and socialization. It helps a lot as the lady who runs it is a RN and very experienced. My MIL gives my husband the guilt treatment every now and then, he doesn't see it but I do. I spoke with the RN at the senior center and she thinks that she is manipulative and she has been nasty with her from time to time. She won't do anything for herself including walk and won't even wipe herself after she uses the rest room. All in all, this is only a little of the story.....she is not in good shape, she has fallen and we woke up to her screaming and bleeding on the bedroom floor. I understand that she is scared, but I don't think we can give her the help that she needs. My husband sees it but he refuses to believe it. We don't have a life, everything revolves around the care of my mil. I can't take it anymore, I find myself thinking about leaving....its tearing us apart. How much of life are we supposed to lose? He is depressed and a robot at times.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
5

Answers

Show:
It sounds like you have a better understanding for what is happening to your MIL than your husband has. I agree that I would do whatever necessary to demonstrate what you are dealing with. Plus, it's likely to get worse. The constant care and supervision can be exhausting, even with daytime help. For many family members, it's just not feasible.

I also agree about taking the lead. The dementia patient is not thinking clearly. They can't be in charge anymore. They don't know what is best for their care.

I would be wary of a nurse saying that manipulation is at work. Blame is not really productive in caring for dementia patients. It's past the time to lay blame or assign responsibility. You have to not let the dementia patient push your buttons. They are sick and cannot be held accountable.

After providing for his mother's care by himself for a day or two, I would have a heart to heart and tell husband just how you feel. He has to get it after that. Look into some other options and ask him to go with you to see them. If he's not open, ask about him staying home and you going back to work. See how that appeals to him.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I'm not saying your husband is like this but don't you find that a lot of men do see what is going on but pretend they don't cause its so much easier to let the wife handle it. If he admitted he recognized there is a problem, then he may have to actually lift a finger to help. Just a thought.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Needpfdirection, learn everything you can about dementia, it won't make it any easier but it will give you and hubby an understand of what is going on in Mom's mind.

Click on the link, and scroll down to the articles. Whatever is labeled Alzheimer's and also be true with dementia. https://www.agingcare.com/Alzheimers-Dementia

As for hubby, maybe you need to leave him home with her for a few hours while you are out running errands for him to understand all that is needed to help Mom during the day. Yes, it's like taking care of a toddler and he needs to witness that.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

thank you! She has been going to the adult care for about 5 months now, its M-F during my husbands working hours. He doesn't get a break from her unless it is while he is working. Like I said, he is pretty much numb (loss of his dad last year that he had a hard time with and now his mother). I fear he is in denial as to the care that she needs, most days are bad with very little good days for her. He thinks its ok to leave her home because she is sleeping while we run to the store for 30 minutes (which I won't allow), he is in total denial! Its almost like taking care of a toddler at this point.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Oh my goodness, things need to change. For your MIL and for you and your husband.The day care is a wonderful start. Guess what? She won't act that way when she is there! Dementia takes its toll on the patient and the caregivers. Guess what, it isn't up to a the dementia patient what happens. Do a trial. Don't ask, don't tell her far in advance. Sunday night tell her there is a special party the next day and we have to be ready at___. Then the next morning, get her ready and off she goes. If you are taking her, the message is there are funa nd games for her here and she is to try it . There may be some complaints the first few days, but I suspect they will quickly have her in a routine.

She presumably has some income. With that you hire an aide for some hours a day or week. It seems to me that a Saturday or Sunday would be a wonderful idea and you and your husband can go out and have a 'fun day'.

I had my Mom in Memory care for 18 months. I was still exhausted with the visits, POA responsibilities, bringing appropriate supplies to the center, seeking the results of doctor's visits, etc. I actually felt she was better there with the entertainment, activities, nurses, aides etc. Keep us posted.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Related
Questions