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Family and husband's memory loss. His daughter uses him.
1) Hubby's Daughter lives with us. Doesn't pay rent but helps with some small chores. (I also let her "in". She gets the house after he dies. Was in prenups.) 2) Hubby's dementia is getting slowly worse in the area of thinking and remembering.
Soooo --- to my thoughts. She is slowly taking over as far as the aesthetics of the inside and outside of the house. Originally, Hubby and I said we were not going to fix anything up (unless it was necessary). Let Daughter spend monies after he dies. He's 92 in good health.
As I say, Daughter is suggesting some major work to the yard to be done. Hubby is willing to let her. He doesn't remember our agreement.
Because he can't remember things, whether it be house or taking today's medication, I need to be on top of everything. It's driving me CRAZY. Daughter, when he changes his mind, JUMPS on it.
Can't send her away because she has no where to go. Boyfriend's family says that she can't move in with them. Brother and SIL say a flat NO.
Question: How do you handle the change of the dementia patient's memory. One day, a particular situation is one way; the next day, another.
I do have a counselor and also this web group. Hubby does toilet and shower himself ok.
It's just mental that's driving me nuts! I have caregivers come Wednesday and Friday mornings. Can't rely on Daughter to help. With her health issues, never know when she's going to be here, even if she and I agree she'll be here at a certain time/date. Her reputation of forgetting or being late precedes her. I respect her as she is a Daughter of God; but no more than that.
Any thoughts?

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We have a Living Trust. Does that have "power" over Conservator?
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Find an attorney who specializes in estate and elder law issues.
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MERP is Medicaid Estate Recovery Program. When Medicaid pays for care, they recover their costs from the patient's estate.
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And, sorry, but what is MERP?
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Pamstegma, what type of an attorney would I contact?
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Consult with an attorney about Conservator status. If you are appointed his conservator, you can keep daughter from spending all his money. At some point he will need a Nursing Home, and if the money runs out and he goes on Medicaid, MERP will own the house and not the daughter.
Part of the allowable spend down prior to Medicaid is fixing up the house and that would make sense. Think about things like roofing, siding, a new furnace or water heater, insulation, windows. Be sensible.
Daughter wants what? plant a tree, OK, but put a budget limit on the plan and only alter things that are needed, like replacing dead trees and bushes. If it keeps her busy, it keeps her out of your hair.
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He loves me. I know and he says so a lot. He's just as angry at dementia as I am. We do discuss this disease.
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Thanks, GardenArtist. We all know within the family she won't go to work. She's just waiting "it" out.
The biggest hit for me is that My Rock, My Listener, My Best Friend is losing his wonderful self to dementia.
By the by, I do have places to go after Hubby's demise. I'm blessed with that! It's just what's going on everyday that hurts most.
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Daughter needs to find a career, get a job and find her own place to live, or at least get a job so she can be a financial participant in maintenance of the house. She's being allowed to be irresponsible for her own life since your husband allowed her to live there free of charge, but to provide what apparently are only minor household chores.

His action is enabling her to shirk responsibility for her own life.

If she doesn't have anywhere to go, she needs to think about working so she can find a place to go.

Given that she's not responsible but that the house is destined to become hers, if I were you I think I'd be worrying about where I'd be going after your husband dies. The daughter seems to be quite able to take care of herself.
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