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My mom has dementia, liver failure, chronic diarrhea, and is painfully narcissistic and controlling and is in ALF. After a year of being her primary contact and non residential caretaker, my husband has asked that I leave my bad moods at the door. I am stunned, hurt, and so disappointed. Has anyone coped with this? Any suggestions?

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I am so sorry that your husband is not a better support to you. It is so very difficult to have a parent that is so ill and also so hard to deal with. I know that I am depressed every time after I visit my Dad in the NH even though he is very sweet and is in a much better situation than he ever was living with my mom. This site has many caring people and it has helped me immensely with the feelings of despair that come with this type of situation. We care; please come and vent anytime. It might not change your situation, but you will probably feel better to talk to and read about others in the same situation. ((((HUGS))))
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Caremiss, I am on both your husband's and your sides in this. I can understand the stress you are under and your need to talk about it. But I also understand your husband's stress about it, so not wanting to hear it. One thing that is so common to men is that they feel the need to fix things that are wrong. When our elders are at the end of their lives, there is no fixing things. It probably makes your husband feel bad that he can't fix things for you to make it better and make you happy. Personally, I think his idea to leave the moods at the door is an excellent one both for you and him. Worrying about things at your own home probably won't fix anything and may end up breaking up your family life. I would recommend just saying "You're right" to you husband, and enjoy time with him without your mother being there is spirit.
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Dear Caremiss: Based on your surprise at your husband's reaction, is it because he does not normally behave this way toward you? You have been dealing with your Mom's negative behavior for a year now, and I know firsthand how difficult and hurtfull and stressful that is. I am guessing that by the time you get home, you cannot help but vent the reasons for your bad mood upon your husband - am I on target? If your husband is normally supportive and caring, maybe he has reached his limit with your bad moods. If that is the case, I would suggest this: when you get home, perhaps you could just say things didn't go well with your Mom and that you just need some time to unwind and destress, without going into the specifics (which he probably knows by heart already). Hopefully that approach will elicit the tender sympathy that you need from your husband. Also consider he may be right in his request to you. Although the bad moods are justified, do we really have the right to take it out on our loved ones? Easier said than done, but something to ponder.
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Is there a Caregiver's Help Group in your area? If yes, join it now! They are a great group of people going through the exact same thing (even though their circumstances are all different, the hurt, anger, exhaustion, feeling of helplessness, etc. is the same). If there isn't one, START ONE! Meet at a local coffee shop or restaurant once a week where everyone can SIT DOWN and enjoy a cup of coffee or a meal with others going through similar experiences. Have speakers each week, this can be anyone from a Nurse who's willing to donate her time for a free meal to someone from the group who talks about how to handle a particular type problem, as in "siblings issues", "in home care issues like bathing and hassles of seeing the parent gets their medications taken on time" and let the folks involved decide what topics they'd like addressed. Understand, they'll be A LOT of issues and undertaking the scheduling will temporarily add to your stress, but once the group comes together, have each attendee help in whatever way they can. Maybe one can email everyone to remind them of the meeting while another plans/schedules who's talking while another plans/schedules what the topic will be (the last two will work together) etc., while yet another deals with issues of being sure the restaurant or coffee shop is getting enough business to afford your group tying up their valuable space. And whatever you do, don't miss the meetings! You need this, just like so many others in your community do. And you'll be surprised how much better you feel when you learn you're not in this alone! Don't forget to plan "vent" sessions. We all put aside five minutes before eating, one minute to pray for ourselves and four minutes for everyone, all at the same time, to just "vent". Everyone just spoke in a quiet voice about what was happening in their life. Just the quiet roar of everyone's voices expelling the week's gripes helps even though the other participants weren't listening to the others. It was just a chance to "give one's troubles up to God or the Universe". That way, you don't go home and "vent" to your spouse.
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Caremiss, I agree with the others, you can't go on laying all your stress onto a husband that can't FIX the problem, but at the same time you DO need a place to vent. I love the idea of a group of people that have care-giving in common, who understand the stress and welcome the venting. If the roles were reversed and your hubby came home every single stinkin' day in a foul mood ranting about his work situation, you'd probably be fed up by now too. I'm glad he is one of the few husbands out there that did NOT keep his emotions to himself and stew about it till he just up and left you, But instead had the freedom and security enough in your marriage that he could speak his mind. Be glad!
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As much as I know how frustrating a narcissistic controlling mother is, I have to agree. Your husband has listened to you for a year and I think you need to respect his feelings, On the other hand, you definitely need a place to vent and share your feelings. I have vented about my mother all my life, and have a few stalwart friends/family who have hung in with me, but am aware to not overload them. Have you considered therapy to help you work through this? I have found it very helpful, and it takes the load off my friends. A caregivers group would be great.
This is how I coped in another situation with some similar issues. I was working, had young children and a husband and a very difficult boss. I found myself taking my work frustrations home with me to the degree that I really was not ready to enjoy my children when I returned to them. No one said anything but I did not feel good about it. I knew that taking my work frustrations home with me wasn't doing anything to resolve them, but it was hurting my family life. So I determined that once I put my hand on the car door at work, I would stop thinking about my frustrations and actively start thinking about my children and looking forward to seeing them. It took some mental discipline, but by the time I arrived home all was good. My husband, of that time, was off in the bar so it didn't bother him. Sounds like you have a good man.
Men want, and maybe need, to come home from work to a relatively tranquil environment. Home needs to be "safe" for everyone - a place to relax. Your need is valid, but please find another place to have it met. Our mates cannot meet all our needs.
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Caremiss, VENT here! We understand!

You can't change your Mom, honey, and you need to come to a place of forgiving her narcissism and other. It is eating you away. Ask God to help you.

One of the lessons I've learned is to serve and love my Mom (who is 78, with dementia, and is wheelchair/bed ridden) at all times and to not REACT to her when she's offensive. Humor helps. Thankfully, my Mom has changed as a result of spiritual conversion, but I can tell you she used to drive me to bawling several times over. I forgive her.
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Thank you, thank you! I appreciate your constructive, helpful, heartfelt input. All of your counsel is very productive. I will report back in a few days :-)
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Caremiss, I'm not married so I have to vent to girlfriends about the stresses of taking care of my 93-year old mom. I try to vent long-distance via email to my brother (who lives in another state), but like others on here have said, he wants to fix everything and sends suggestions that I've already tried. Or he tells me not to worry about things that I'm not really worried about, but I'm just venting about. So I have learned over time not to depend on him for any real emotional support.

I come here to read about others' situations and/or I vent to girlfriends who have also been caregivers and understand what I'm dealing with. I think the idea of a support group is a great one. Good luck and keep us posted!
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So far THIS is the best place I have found to vent. Most here are compassionate and caring and I just ignore the few judgemental "debbie downers" I LOVED uni's idea about starting a support group, since there is not one near me.......But if I had the time to do that I would rather spend it bathing, or eating, or sleeping....you know....the things we care givers don't have time to do.
Maybe when the time comes that Mom is not taking up 24/7/365(eventually she will need NH or hospice) I would love to do that. Bottom line...VENT or EXPLODE! Vent here and give hubby some extra good lovin tonight. He might be feeling like the 2nd banana.
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P.S. Sex is GREAT stress relief. I Know this well......as I don't get any! ;)
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It's easy to get into the habit of complaining about our problem Mothers. Husbands are great for reflecting us-- they know us best, and they know us worst. Heehee:) I have done it, still complain sometimes about things I or anyone else cannot change. Oh Well.
We have to come to terms, as someone said, with what is.
Not going to get better until she quits talking. My Mother has quit talking but still can get the arrogant, irritable attitude and project that. Scary.
Sometimes I have a good cry in my car after I leave the care home around 5 pm.
But soon, I am home and I try to compartmentalize that out of my day. And have a glass of wine, talk to my husband about his day and drama.
You seem to have gotten the idea from all these brilliant caregivers. They are awesome, every one:) xo
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Checking in . . . Things have settled down. I've made a point to spend the open time w the Husband doing things he likes, which surprisingly gets my mind off Mom's situation for a little while (fishing, watching movies). Tension has dropped and I've actually laughed again!
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husband is feeling sexually neglected. im a guy, i know the lingo. if he was getting the attention he desired he would gladly listen to you rant the rest of the evening.
the same thing boni sed essentially. its about the banana..
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I finally started attending counseling and am going to find a support group. I have asked my husband to let me know if I start to discuss my mother, and I will stop. He should be willing to listen some, but he isn't. As a result, I am finding other people who can help me feel stronger. Life has seasons, and I always thought a husband and wife helped each other through those seasons. Marriage has changed for some people just as it has for me. I respect my husband's feelings, but listened to him about his family. I think we all have to find our listening ears among others that love us when a spouse just can't handle our situation. We are always here to listen. Rebecca
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ShadowChild1 - my husband doesn't do the things he SHOULD, either! There's a lot of that going round.

It's partly the Mars and Venus thing. To generalize, women are listeners, and men are doers. I have to pay attention to what my husband does do for me, and go to other women for the listening he can't do. I figure he's the standard model husband, and if I tried to find a new one, he would have similar qualities, so I'll avoid the time and expense of divorce and AARP dating bars. (Not to mention the 40 pounds I would need to lose....)
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My husband visits his mother daily, either after work or in the evening. He doesn't talk about the stress of coping with her but is in a perpetual bad mood. I've been very involved with the medical aspects of her care but find it sufficient to see her once a week most weeks, some weeks more. I have tried to be understanding and supportive but it gets old having a third party in your marriage. He doesn't have time for me because he is so busy trying to keep her happy - an impossible task.
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sonswife, sounds like you have a fabulous caring sensitive husband to me. Just think, she could be living with you , as my mom is with us and has been for almost 6 years. If you were sick, he would probably treat you the same, isnt that nice? My husband admires me for taking care of my Mom and supports me all the way. Maybe you need to loosen up, nice guys are very attached to their mothers and it wont change.
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Even though it is hard to do sometimes this has always been my plan of action. If I had problems at home that I was annoyed with that is where I would leave it before I would walk into my job. Vise versa with caregiving which takes a lot out of a person, sometimes the ball would get dropped and I would have to regain myself because when situations cannot be changed you have to except it and roll with it. Most men do not do well in these situations but if the shoe was on the other foot he would definitely seek your shoulder. Heed is advice leave it at the door because it may be scaring him if his parents are still doing well and I'm sure that he is feeling bad enough about your well being for the both of you. Before you return home go to a park or something and let out a huge scream or cry, take some quite down time before you go through the door. Best of luck to you.
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You didn't mention how much time you actually spend with your mother.
My point is, for your own mental health, can you limit the number of times you visit, and the length of the visits? In other words, do you really NEED to be there as much as you are? If so, I certainly understand. But minimizing exposure to her toxic behavior will definitely improve your quality of life.
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Caremiss- Good for you. I have to catch myself once in a while when venting to my husband-my new husband of two years that married me knowing he was moving in with three teens-two more of his own and my mom in an attached inlaw. No privacy and although 4 out of 5 kids in college come fall its my mom that is requiring more help, we have no privacy, feel like we cannot leave her etc.......
I think all these guys want is a night out, a couch companion and a wee bit of attention. Its give and take-day to day. Congrats on recognizing this and allowing yourself a laugh.
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As a caregiver, I understand the stress and frustration that accompanies that. But, I have found a "destressor" that works so well I just have to share it. It is how laughter can make the environment sweet for both the care receiver and care giver as well as others that you will have contact with. I don't mean silly - I mean joyful attitude, grateful thoughts, going for ice cream and laughing as you slurp to keep it from dripping, watching the squirrels and listening to the birds - the sounds of nature and gratitude for the blessing that out of all the people in the world you were chosen to give care to someone who cannot now care for themselves. May God bless you as you continue your journey. Journal each day and watch how your perception changes the atmosphere around you.
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Wow, was I surprised that so many of you agreed with Hubby for Caremiss to check her troubles at the door. But, after reading the replies and I can see the light. My support group, aka, family & friends, have been very tolerant of me and I try to remember to not go on and on about my Aunt's issues (and mine!). The best tactic is to ask a question or two about their day, their child, or whatever I can remember about them to get sidetracked from my "loop". Meanwhile, Caremiss, I felt a pang of pain for you. You might tell hubby, occasionally, that you need a hug after your visit to Mother, without going into details. Glad to hear the follow-up. I'm dealing with a bedridden aunt in the NH and I have to tell myself that I've done okay by her and it's okay that I can't solve her every problem. It's not what I'd like, but it will have to do. If I won the lottery, I would spend money like crazy to make it as good as possible for her, but surely it would never fix the facts of life.
I think we all ride that "guilt train" that never comes into the station.
By the way, when my mother was in her final years, she was unhappy and made my sister suffer, too. According to my mother, did you know that there are seven shades of yellow toilets? (She needed a new toilet for the bathroom.) Nothing was ever to her satisfaction, because she wasn't in charge anymore. And I have to agree that it's difficult to be in that place. Good luck and take a deep breath, now and again.
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I agree with your husband. Sorry, but I have been through this with my mom's family (heavy narcissitic people, if I didn't know better I would think she was adopted) and with my husband and his dad.
I have heard their venting to the point it has put me on the verge of an ulcer and made my blood pressure worse. After awhile, we are tired of it.
The children of all these whiney narcissitic parents will never stand up to them. They bow at their every need and whim and then come home and all hell breaks lose on their spouses and children. Some caregivers get violent, some just lash out with their tongue so much that you just wish you could pull out a recorder, tape them and then go to their parents and say, "this is what your child really, really thinks of you and this is what I have to hear after every visit."
Our homelife is so much better since my husband has not had to see his father 4 times a day.
I'm sorry but it is hell on earth to have to listen to someone you love being treated like dirt and then that person runs right back to their abuser and it all starts over again.
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While I understand all those who made the comments in support of the husband, I don't know what I would do if I felt I couldn't get a hug or words of advice and support from my husband. He is my other half, my best friend, and is supposed to be there for me is sickness and in health. He has done an outstanding job at that (probably why we're still married after 28 years), and I appreciate the heck out of him, but I am also there for him when he has a lousy day at work to talk about that - I don't tell him to check that at the door or find a support group to talk about it. I expect that he is going to need to come home and vent about the abuse he receives (and he receives a lot of it). Some days it's worse than others, and some days he can't eat because his stomach is so upset. At 62, he can't find another job, so he has to hold on until retirement - it's my job to support him so he can do that, and it's his job to support me so I can take care of Mom. Win/Win. That's what marriages are all about.
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