Husband and wife refuse to go to nursing home/in home health care. Any advice?


My husband's grandparents are 81 and 89. He can’t hardly get around- he has a rope to pull himself out of the bed. He smells, refuses to bathe, won’t wear underwear and wears overalls for days at a time. Only has two teeth, can’t hear even with two hearing aides. He also wears his food all over him. She has congestive heart failure, very swollen, over 200 pounds, pees in a butter bowl (i know, ew.) so she doesn’t have to walk 10 steps to the bathroom. They refuse to eat anything that’s frozen or not freshly prepared.

I had been taking care of them but I’m no longer doing it in August because my mental health and my family is crumbling. She is like Dr Jeckyll and Mr Hyde. She’s nice and sweet to everyone else but when it comes to me and my mother in law she hollers at us and my 4 year old has to listen to all of this as well.

In Tennessee there is something called choices where it’s basically the same thing I’m doing but they don’t have to pay for it. From what I understand the state of Tennessee funds this is you are eligible. He has told her that they will take everything from you and they are refusing any help...but me.

I’m not going to be down there 24/7 365. Im not even blood. This is my husbands grandparents. She just got out of rehab due to getting down and weak. Should’ve never came home as soon as she did. Me and my mother in law are at our wits end. Any advice? Maybe this will show them when I leave they need this care but they will say they are dying at home, but taking down everyone with them. I’m over it and cannot wait till August.



Where hubs in all this? This is his family. How did they turn you into Cinderella? Bless you for doing all you have done but it’s time to give notice, take a walk and have a life.

We all go through this with stubborn elders. There will be a crisis soon. That will force the grands to get help or go to a facility. With my folks I just had to wait them out.  Mom went to the hospital after a fall, into assisted living and I moved Dad in a few days later.  They were mad and confused but I didn’t back down.  They should have been there years ago instead of bouncing around in a filthy house with no food.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to Windyridge

They're at the point where they want to live what is left of their lives their way no matter who does not like it. At this point it is probably going to be next to impossible to change their attitude, so you are going to have to do what you feel is best for you and your family, which as you have mentioned is in Aug. You have 2 months to try to get something in place for them, if you desire, if not, then it will be time to say so long and you're on your own and mean it.
Helpful Answer (1)
Reply to shad250