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She flew into a narcissistic rage and we didn’t even get to eat dinner last night due to the arguing. She pulled every nasty tactic she could and has used before. We can’t go on living with her, but she says she does nothing wrong. Nothing but make us walk on egg shells. Now I come to work this morning and I’m feeling so guilty. Even after she said really hateful things to both of us. Someone please tell me that it’s not wrong to want our life back. Please I feel like I’ve been run over by a garbage truck. Help and support please.

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Soflagrown, you already know what you need to do. Mom is a toxic tyrant who is controlling and ruining your lives and you emotional and physical well-being. I would suggest checking for a urinsry tract infection, but since you said she’s always been like this, it’s probably just her. You’ve said in previous posts that you fear she will report you to APS. Why do you fear that? It could backfire on her and the caseworker might recommend putting her in a facility if she happens to show her true colors to them.

You sound like you are carrying around a lot of guilt. It’s probably why you let Mom move in in the first place. It also sounds like you were told from a young age that everything that ever went wrong in her life was your fault. I can tell you that it’s not your fault, but you need a professional to help you with this.

As as long as Mom is living with you, things won’t change. She won’t change. You are going to have to do a complete about face. Tell her you will take her on a housing tour, be it an apartment, Independent Living, Assisted !iving, whatever. If she needs Medicaid, apply for it. She has to chose in one month. If not, you will chose for her. Be strong. As long as you tolerate this behavior, nothing will change.
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Mom is content and does not want to go anywhere else. She is trying to guilt you into staying put. Time for her to move so you and your husband can have peace.
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Take back your life. You have given 8 years of yourself, your energy, your home, your life force, and most likely relationships with your loved ones for your mother. Those who are narc will never wake up to the fact they do anything wrong. Trying to explain so she will understand and willingly leave likely will never work. Perhaps find a place for her in advance, then tell her you found a great place she can move to in 6 weeks or she can select another place of her choosing - but by XX day, she can no longer stay with you. Tell her you will help her get setup. Set the deadline and stick to it. It won't be easy, but after it is done I bet your life gets a lot better.
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If she goes on a rampage again and it gets scary call the police.
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Does she kick in any money toward your internet/WiFi bill? If not, then here you go: If she is tippy tapping away on her iPad when you’re trying to talk to her, I would grab it and absolutely type in, “This is Edna’s daughter. Please mind your own business. This is a private family matter. Thank you.” And log her off. I would pay to see the look on her face.

You know, if you persist in doing things like that, I can almost guarantee she will leave a smoke trail on her way out to an apartment. Make it as unpleasant for her as she’s made it for you. It’s ok for you to be the “bad kid” now.
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We can't control how other people behave, but, we can control our own actions. If you refuse to argue, then there is no argument. She can vent, but, that would be it. You already expect her to be upset, say hurtful things, etc. I might let her do it and still precede with what you know has to be done.

Making your household a happy place, free of strife is a good and reasonable thing to do and if that means that mother needs to move elsewhere, why is that wrong? Sometimes, I think that seniors have a skewed view of an AL or other Long term care facility. What if she got to visit one for lunch that is pretty nice. She could see how they have activities, if she's interested. Normally, there will be an outdoor area for reading or relaxation, dining room, spa, shuttle service, hair salon, etc. Perhaps, if she saw that it wasn't so bad, she might not be as ballistic.

If she's really opposed to going, I'd seek the advice of any attorney, because you may have to jump through some hoops to really make her go, especially, if she's competent. Based on your description, I would seriously wonder if she might have some cognitive decline. Often, it's unreasonable attitudes that signal dementia and not just memory loss. Sometimes, there are difficult people who get cognitive decline and then they become more difficult. It's hard to separate what's what.
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In your profile you wrote that you were emotionally/mentally abused by your mother.

It's not wrong to want her out. Please, for your sake, get her out.
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I just quickly scanned your posts. Since Mom has paid you nothing she is not a renter. I think this is a good thing. Your therapists says get rid of her, someone to write a letter.

Again, consult a lawyer first. Then find a place she can afford. You may be able to evict her. Tell her she has no choices. You can no longer support her financially or emotionally. She either takes what is offered or she will be evicted by the sheriff.
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Hang in there!
I'm so glad it was civil.
Just remember that she will use every emotion you feel against you! Because she is incapable of feeling emotion. It is all a big act, in the ultimate goal of getting you to do what she wants. So, ditch the guilt. Barb said on another thread that guilt is for people who have actually done something wrong (like the last time I got caught speeding! I was definitely guilty! Lol.).
I love your saying about helping a narcissist....
Hugs.
Sparkles
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Soflagrown Sep 2018
Thank you so much for the support. It really does make a difference and helps when I get it from other people. I’ve had this my whole life and it took everything I had to tell her but I did. The mental abuse was rappant in my childhood but also continued into my adulthood. I mistakenly thought it was all her wicked husbands fault which I still think that, but when she came to live with us I could no longer only blame him. It’s only become obvious to me in the last couple of years. The making me think I’m crazy and over sensitive. As a child I used to think to myself that other adults thought I was normal so why did the two of them do there best to make me think I was overly sensitive, imagining things, and remembering things that they completely remembered differently
Anyway thank you again for reading this and for your kind words of support
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I completely agree with ahmijoy.

Do not leave this for her to do on her own. She’ll drag it out as long as you’ll tolerate.

The time came for my mom to move to a nursing home. I found a really
posh, small and privately owned NH 15 minutes from my house right off the bat. But no. Golden Child brother got suckered into believing my mom wanted to participate and look as well.

Two months later my brother finally bought a vowel and after taking her to look at dozens of places - which included Golden Boy spending the entire day with her and taking her out to lunch - after two months of that, he finally decided he’d give his prized stamp of approval on the place I found - and finally told our mom “enough”. Boy, was mom shocked. And P.O.’d. Too bad.
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Soflagrown Sep 2018
Thank you. Tomorrow I’m taking the day off of work and taking her to do a tour. So we’ll see. She already said she read reviews about their food and it wasn’t good. The place has a double bedroom but she would be the only one there because they don’t have another person. I hope this will be the last obstacle we have to endure. I’ve been told the people that work at these places are masters in encouraging them to stay. Please please say a prayer for both of us. I want her to be safe and have friends, not be alone
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