Husband and his fear of dying. What do I do?


He turned 90 in May and has always been in good health and very active, has always and recently every week gone to one or two doctors, every thing is magnified when nothing is really wrong and the normal person would handle it..he is a hyprcrondite. (sp)..very selfish. I think he is afraid of dying and by seeing doctors and etc he is catching death before it catches him. He is healthy, has some high blood pressure, some maybe diabetes, all well under control...his b/p is normal, his oxygen level is 99%, his blood sugar 102, etc...but he has decided that he has pain and it is awful and he needs help. He has a pt coming and an occupational therapist who is making him worse by not making him do and telling him all kinds of things to get to make things easier. He will not take an advil or aleve or any of those medicines which would ease the arthritis which is all that he has and it is not bad. He wants constant attention and swears he can't get up out of a chair sometimes, when he can, I feel like he is 'playing me'... and the rest of the family to just coddle and wait on him ...he know everything there is no NO mental issues..he has macular degeneration in one eye but the other is pretty good, that is somewhat of an issue. He has hearing problems and has for 40 years and has NEVER been to be tested for a hearing aid after ENT's have made appointments and sent him. It is frustrating to me and when I raise my voice after telling him 2 or 3 times, he gets angry and has always had his snits and ugly ways if something displeases him. What do I look for to see if he is really having enough pain that it is a problem, or what do I look for because he is afraid of dying? I am so stressed dealing with him I have an ulcer and after 65 years of dealing with him I just want to run off...of course I won't. He has a brother that has pulled the same stuff and for the last 3 years won't do anything to help himself and stays in bed and reads and watches tv..has someone come in twice a week to bathe and coddle him...his family did not make him do anything and waited on him hand and foot and I am not going to do that, if he can he has to.. I fix breakfast etc but he has to get up and go to the table to eat, I am not serving him on a tv tray..and he can and he does and he is critical of the food often, I don't want to be mean but I don't know what to do...this has had something similar for a few days in the past, but he came home from the hunting camp where he walked without a cane and slept for about 14 hours in a recliner and then began all this stuff about hurting and not being able to get up, etc I feel like the arthritis is probably hurting some and he has multiplied it into the fear about death. I don't know what to do.

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Also on this forum, check out comments in "Detaching With Love: Setting Boundaries in Toxic Relationships." I posted quotes from Boundaries in Marriage that spoke to me. Remember that YOU are not responsible for HIS happiness.
Helpful Answer (1)

Yes, mlrs, he IS playing you. Stick to your guns about not becoming his servant. If he doesn't like your breakfasts', don't cook them anymore! Guaranteed he'll begin liking them again. This is tough love.
He sounds like he's being a spoiled brat and you don't have to put up with it. As for the "snitty moods", my ex-husband did that too, so I ignored
him and went out with my friends. (I finally divorced him after 35 years because I couldn't take it anymore.)
It will take you changing the way you deal with him, to change his actions.
I also agree with Pam, go on vacation with a girlfriend or son/daughter. If he can "survive" at a hunting trip, he'll make it at home without you. Good luck.
Helpful Answer (2)

Listen to Pam.
Helpful Answer (2)

If he is well enough for hunting camp, he is not dying. I think you should take a vacation yourself. Pack up and go.
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