Husband with Alzheimer's, children critical of me. What can I do?


I am truly alone. Children say the medicine is causing his problems if take off, he would be fine. He is in Day Stay 5 hrs a day, which is a blessing, all medical personnel have said same thing, he is so difficult and take it out on me. He thinks he is still working and has "meetings" in his sleep and words are so plain. He goes on and on about being at work,.talks of that when coming home from Day Stay.
I have tried to keep the children informed about all the behaviors since the beginning, but they seem only concerned about him. By the way, they do not help or come around or phone but once in awhile.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.


Once had a mutual patient with someone who wanted to have them stay at a rehab with me as attending. Was so sure that all the symptoms and dysfunctions would go away if we stopped the antipsychotic meds that were making him "dysphoric." Well, um, no..turned out that without the meds all he could do was stumble around buzzing like a bee. I was the one who got to explain to staff what had happened, what "we" had been thinking, and get the meds back on board. I did not trust my colleagues opinions so much after that.

People have pet theories, and when they do double duty to allow for denial of a painful, sad reality, they engage in them even more. Sorry this is happening to you, and if there is no chance they could be right about medication side effects (hey sometimes it happens, depends on the drug and the person taking it), they do need some chance to see for themselves if it is safe and possible to do so.
Helpful Answer (0)

I just thought of something else that may help. I provided care for my mom, with Alz, and her hubby for four years. My twisted sisters did not believe what I was telling them about Mom's behaviors. They wanted me to leave my mom and her hubby's home to let him continue to provide care for mom himself. What started the four years was L, mom's hubby, had to have a hip replacement that was followed by three months in rehab. He was only able to be discharged to home because there was help for mom, mostly but also for him.

It wasn't until I threw my hands up, sick of twisteds accusations and challenges (of the legal variety too), that I told them I was going to leave and they better find a place for mom. A month later mom and L moved. I backed away, let them deal with it.

About a month later I went to visit both. L is in assisted and mom in memory care. L told me that the twisteds were concerned and astonished at what was written in mom's chart about her behaviors. She had been trying to elope, hitting walls, people, kicking staff, walls, tried to scale a seven foot privacy fence. You name it mom tried it. She even went in the kitchen yelling at staff to have another couple removed from her table because she thought they were trying to mooch a free meal from mom and L. That one required assistance from security mom became so upset.

Twisteds "had read" that it would probably take mom "a few weeks to adjust". We are now at the one year point and I guess mom is still adjusting. It is so very difficult to be in your position. To need support from all family members, especially your children, and to have to confront their denial. It may never change. My only advice for you is to try to understand how difficult this is for your children. Also face it that they may not come around to understand or help. Hoping that they will is only going to make it harder for you. Find the help that you need anc when the time comes that hubby needs more care than you can provide feel tge support that you will receive from many on this site that have walked the path that you are on.
Helpful Answer (2)

Thank you all for your answers, I truly feel your caring. And that means so much. I am so alone and they make it so difficult. We had just seen another Neurologist, who talked of the unpredictable changes and is concerned for my safety. He is referring us to a psychiatrist who will no doubt prescribe additional medication.
Helpful Answer (2)

Jean, you are in a very difficult decision but take heart you are the one in charge and make the decisions.
Glad is correct the kids are in denial and simply want their old Dad back and then they can go their own sweet ways with not a care about their aging/sick parents.
Well kids life ain't like that chickens do come home to roost.

The important thing is to take care of yourself and don't continue to keep hubby at home beyond the time you can manage.

I wouldn't even bother trying to educate the kids at this point they will just dismiss it as all being caused by the medications and Mom if she had any sense should simply stop giving them to Dad.
Concentrate on what is important to you and let the kids get on with their lives.
Helpful Answer (4)

The kids are in denial. They do not want their dad sick, especially this way. If you could convince them to come stay for a week or two, alone, with dad, then they may get it. When your hubby is the most difficult, video tape him then send to the children. You may be able to do that at the day center when he does not know you are there. Ask the doctor to write a letter of diagnosis that includes likely behaviors and give a copy to each child. Send each child a copy of the book "36 Hour Day", or some other book on caring for those with dementia. 36 is quite a long book, see if you can find a shorter one. Or get free pamphlets from the Alzheimer's Association, some doctor's offices have them. Send those to them. Don't spend money on a book if you think they will not read it. Pamphlets are probably the best way to go.
Helpful Answer (4)

Where did your kids go to medical school?

Their opinions about your husband's medication are ignorant and uninformed. Just keep doing what the Dr. says you should be doing.

I'm glad you have Day Stay so you can have some time off. You need that.
Helpful Answer (4)

Listen to the medical personnel. Ignore the children. Don't argue with them. Say "I see. That is your opinion, but i must do what is best for BOTH of us."

You might offer to have them come for the weekend and stay alone with him, as they think they know better. If they refuse, you shrug, smile and say, "well, then i need to do what the professionals tell me is best".

The kids are idiots. Don't engage with them.
Helpful Answer (5)

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.