Started about a week ago with he wanted to go ‘home’ iI complied and made attempts to find what he meant driving around Now I’m the enemy and he’s making it all up What’s going on and how to handle it?
I'm so sorry you are going thru this. It must be hard to have your beloved husband see you as an enemy. It is sad to see him so confused, and to try and help, but nothing you do seems to be the right thing.
I don't really have any advice or insight into this, but I thought of something my aunt said to me. She has worked as a live-in hospice caregiver for many decades. She lives with a client until they pass or until they no longer need her. She told me "They all want to go home".
My husband has had vascular dementia as a result of a stroke 9 years ago. For him, "home" usually means his bed, where he feels comfortable.
PritBrennan: His wanting "to go home" is no doubt a result of his Parkinson's Disease. Many elderly patients with a broken brain want to go home; unbeknownst to them, they aren't referring to an actual brick and mortar structure.
Your question is confusing in that it doesn't make sense "... il complied and made attempt to find what he meant driving around..."
What is going on is dementia. You need to educate yourself on what dementia is.
Go to Teepa Snow's website. Call them. Read website / watch webinars
Call local dementia association. Go to a group support meeting.
You need to take control of the situation (his changing brain / chemistry). He likely will continue to react / be aggressive towards you as you are 'right there' / closest to him. He is frightened, scared, doesn't know what is happening to him and will see you as the only person to blame.
He needs a MD evaluation yesterday. Get this done. Additionally, make sure you have all your legal documents / banking in order. He shouldn't be allowed to make any of these (financial / otherwise) decisions.
Take control / take your inner power back. Do not take anything (threats) he says personally. He is frustrated and scared.
Leave / take breaks as you need. Get a 'friend' (caregiver) in as needed so you can take breaks - for a few hours to a full day. And/or get regular ongoing care/givers in a couple of hours a day to assist.
You need to take care of yourself, and / as you understand that he isn't the same person he used to be. Understanding dementia is learning a new way to communicate / a new language. Get the grief support you need. Dementia 'is' grief in slow motion. It feels / is cruel.
Do take care of your psychological, mental, and physical health. You need you to be there for him. He needs you to be healthy/grounded to be there for you to be there for him.
Just reading this title makes me think - UTI. Get your husband to the doctor now as it has already be suggested. UTI's affect older people differently than younger. Example: my daddy thought I was poisoning him... I then had him at the urgent care and had a urine test and it was positive for a UTI. Antibiotics were prescribed and in two days he was back to "normal" for him (ALZ) but it was weird have him accuse me of poisoning him! Blessings and cyber hugs - this is not easy!
It’s common dementia behavior. If he doesn’t have a diagnosis get him to an Dr ASAP.
As for the behavior, ignore, distract, don’t take it personally and most of all respond with love and kindness. I’ve found when my husband gets like that he is scared and unsure of his surroundings. I hug him or hold his hand, smile, speak calmly and try to reassure him. Not so easy when he’s angry and accusing you of things, I know. But I’ve found you get what you give with dementia patients. So be calm, try to distract him. Ask him to tell you about home…look at old photos, give him a treat or something you know he likes.
Go to Alz.org or dementia.com and read on more strategies how to handle difficult situations.
Now your post doesn’t mention dementia, so I’m not sure that’s what’s happening, but get to a Dr for a diagnosis so you know for sure what you are dealing with.
Geaton 77 I hear you on this one (and a big thank you on this one, sister), but from day one this lady wanted to talk politics. At first I listened, but I wasn't skilled enough to avoid such topics since she was a new client from another country. So, I sort of went along with it and nodded my head while she talked. I heard that some people with dementia would try to bait you into these types of topics. At the time, I wasn't sure what this woman's particular problem was other than mobility. I wasn't given the full range of her issues by the agency. These weren't really a problem because I enjoyed listening to her and I let her go on with her topics of interest. She had a different culture; so instead of not engaging I took to listening.
The problem was the paranoia she developed later after she was talking about her husband and her bad marriage. It was really a sad one. However, I started noticing the paranoia coming on for some time. I noticed this when I came to work one Monday. Apparently, a couple had been fighting and kept her up all night. I asked her did she call the police and she said she didn't for fear of them retaliating. This was the problem that brought out the anger towards me when she discussed with the social worker. She had complaints about me, and told the caseworker not to for fear I would retaliate. I asked the CSW retaliate for what? LOL Actually, this client wanted a HHA from her own country instead of an American and it was a passive aggressive way of getting me off the case. When I went back, the first thing that came out of her mouth was you didn't clean my tub. Mainly, she was using me for maid services and for carrying her heavy shopping bags on the bus. She was the superior one and I was the servant.
I noticed she asked me a lot of questions about my citizenship status here in the US. I was born here, She wanted to know how many years I worked, and where I worked. What was my job title. Just a lot of probing questions. I have had clients ask me for my address, and I'm not supposed to give out my personal information. One man wanted to copy my personal ID and I told him no. He started yelling at me afterwards when I refused to give it to him.
I remember reading on another site that dementia people have three people. One they love, one they trust and one they target. I'm beginning to believe this is true.
Your profile doesn't say it, but you posted your question under Alzheimer's & Dementia, so I am gathering that you are already aware that your husband is suffering from some type of dementia,(more than likely Lewy Body as that often goes hand and hand with Parkinson's)and that his brain is now permanently broken and will never get better. Wanting to "go home" is so very common with folks with any of the dementias and it is often their childhood home that they're referring to as that is where they felt safe with their parents. The best thing you can do now is educate yourself about dementia, so you are better prepared for what lies ahead. Teepa Snow(a dementia expert)has a lot of great videos on YouTube, along with books that she's written on the subject. And of course talk to your husbands neurologist as well to make them aware of what your husband is going through. There is no magic pill for dementia however, and your husband will only continue to get worse. If he in fact has Lewy Body dementia, the life expectancy is only 5-7 years as it is the second most aggressive of all the dementias, so you will want to get your ducks in a row, legal and otherwise. I wish you well as you take this journey with your husband. And don't forget, you're stronger than you know.
Your profile says he has Parkinsons. Often this comes with Lewy Body dementia.
Wanting to "go home" is called Sundowning and they are referring to their childhood home, not their adult home.
Accusing you of being the enemy is paranoia, a common feature of dementia.
LBS is different than other dementias because it can include hallucinations, not just delusions and confabulations.
Please discuss these symptoms with his neurologist. For yourself, please learn more about his illness so that you can find strategies to better understand him and Parkinsons, and also to have more peaceful and productive interactions with him. There are lots of resources online when you search. Maybe start with the Mayoclinic.org and
Also, keep in mind that they can have two types of dementia going on layered on top of their physical ailments. A lot of this depends upon which parts of the brain is being affected. Dehydration is another factor that can cause weird behaviors as well.
The paranoia is scary to me even after my training. I wrestle with my emotions every time I come in contact with a client who starts acting like this. I had a client that had a bad fall and hit her head so she had vertigo and severe shoulder pain. Later on I started witnessing changes in her behavior especially when we were out. She talked about the past a lot and later started getting paranoid about me coming retaliate. She told her CSW this and the CSW got mad at me. I was shocked and told her that we were just upstairs having a conversation about religion and later switched to her husband. Then she had one of her crying spells in front of the CSW worker. When I got back upstairs, she was back to her mean paranoid self again. One day I went to her home for my regular shift and she lied and told the agency she was not home. I don't think that they tested her for dementia. Also, trauma can cause certain weird behaviors as well. She was showing all the traits; subborness, paranoia, and suspicion.
Sometimes alva , just venting and talking about what your going through is all you need to figure things out for yourself.
When you sometimes see your written words down , you sometimes realize, what you need to do , a light bulb turns on. And a little support goes a long ways when you are in the middle of a break down
I don't really have any advice or insight into this, but I thought of something my aunt said to me. She has worked as a live-in hospice caregiver for many decades. She lives with a client until they pass or until they no longer need her.
She told me "They all want to go home".
My husband has had vascular dementia as a result of a stroke 9 years ago. For him, "home" usually means his bed, where he feels comfortable.
What is going on is dementia.
You need to educate yourself on what dementia is.
Go to Teepa Snow's website.
Call them.
Read website / watch webinars
Call local dementia association.
Go to a group support meeting.
You need to take control of the situation (his changing brain / chemistry).
He likely will continue to react / be aggressive towards you as you are 'right there' / closest to him. He is frightened, scared, doesn't know what is happening to him and will see you as the only person to blame.
He needs a MD evaluation yesterday.
Get this done.
Additionally, make sure you have all your legal documents / banking in order.
He shouldn't be allowed to make any of these (financial / otherwise) decisions.
Take control / take your inner power back.
Do not take anything (threats) he says personally. He is frustrated and scared.
Leave / take breaks as you need.
Get a 'friend' (caregiver) in as needed so you can take breaks - for a few hours to a full day. And/or get regular ongoing care/givers in a couple of hours a day to assist.
You need to take care of yourself, and / as you understand that he isn't the same person he used to be. Understanding dementia is learning a new way to communicate / a new language. Get the grief support you need. Dementia 'is' grief in slow motion. It feels / is cruel.
Do take care of your psychological, mental, and physical health.
You need you to be there for him.
He needs you to be healthy/grounded to be there for you to be there for him.
Certainly he shouldn't be allowed to drive.
Gena / Touch Matters
As for the behavior, ignore, distract, don’t take it personally and most of all respond with love and kindness. I’ve found when my husband gets like that he is scared and unsure of his surroundings. I hug him or hold his hand, smile, speak calmly and try to reassure him. Not so easy when he’s angry and accusing you of things, I know. But I’ve found you get what you give with dementia patients. So be calm, try to distract him. Ask him to tell you about home…look at old photos, give him a treat or something you know he likes.
Go to Alz.org or dementia.com and read on more strategies how to handle difficult situations.
Now your post doesn’t mention dementia, so I’m not sure that’s what’s happening, but get to a Dr for a diagnosis so you know for sure what you are dealing with.
The problem was the paranoia she developed later after she was talking about her husband and her bad marriage. It was really a sad one. However, I started noticing the paranoia coming on for some time. I noticed this when I came to work one Monday. Apparently, a couple had been fighting and kept her up all night. I asked her did she call the police and she said she didn't for fear of them retaliating. This was the problem that brought out the anger towards me when she discussed with the social worker. She had complaints about me, and told the caseworker not to for fear I would retaliate. I asked the CSW retaliate for what? LOL Actually, this client wanted a HHA from her own country instead of an American and it was a passive aggressive way of getting me off the case. When I went back, the first thing that came out of her mouth was you didn't clean my tub. Mainly, she was using me for maid services and for carrying her heavy shopping bags on the bus. She was the superior one and I was the servant.
I noticed she asked me a lot of questions about my citizenship status here in the US. I was born here, She wanted to know how many years I worked, and where I worked. What was my job title. Just a lot of probing questions. I have had clients ask me for my address, and I'm not supposed to give out my personal information. One man wanted to copy my personal ID and I told him no. He started yelling at me afterwards when I refused to give it to him.
I remember reading on another site that dementia people have three people. One they love, one they trust and one they target. I'm beginning to believe this is true.
Wanting to "go home" is so very common with folks with any of the dementias and it is often their childhood home that they're referring to as that is where they felt safe with their parents.
The best thing you can do now is educate yourself about dementia, so you are better prepared for what lies ahead. Teepa Snow(a dementia expert)has a lot of great videos on YouTube, along with books that she's written on the subject.
And of course talk to your husbands neurologist as well to make them aware of what your husband is going through.
There is no magic pill for dementia however, and your husband will only continue to get worse. If he in fact has Lewy Body dementia, the life expectancy is only 5-7 years as it is the second most aggressive of all the dementias, so you will want to get your ducks in a row, legal and otherwise.
I wish you well as you take this journey with your husband. And don't forget, you're stronger than you know.
Wanting to "go home" is called Sundowning and they are referring to their childhood home, not their adult home.
Accusing you of being the enemy is paranoia, a common feature of dementia.
LBS is different than other dementias because it can include hallucinations, not just delusions and confabulations.
Please discuss these symptoms with his neurologist. For yourself, please learn more about his illness so that you can find strategies to better understand him and Parkinsons, and also to have more peaceful and productive interactions with him. There are lots of resources online when you search. Maybe start with the Mayoclinic.org and
https://www.parkinson.org/living-with-parkinsons/new-to-parkinsons
The paranoia is scary to me even after my training. I wrestle with my emotions every time I come in contact with a client who starts acting like this. I had a client that had a bad fall and hit her head so she had vertigo and severe shoulder pain. Later on I started witnessing changes in her behavior especially when we were out. She talked about the past a lot and later started getting paranoid about me coming retaliate. She told her CSW this and the CSW got mad at me. I was shocked and told her that we were just upstairs having a conversation about religion and later switched to her husband. Then she had one of her crying spells in front of the CSW worker. When I got back upstairs, she was back to her mean paranoid self again. One day I went to her home for my regular shift and she lied and told the agency she was not home. I don't think that they tested her for dementia. Also, trauma can cause certain weird behaviors as well. She was showing all the traits; subborness, paranoia, and suspicion.
Please consult your husband's doctor if this is a sudden change, or call EMS and have him transported to Emergency Room for assessment.
When you sometimes see your written words down , you sometimes realize, what you need to do , a light bulb turns on. And a little support goes a long ways when you are in the middle of a break down