I feel selfish posting here, as I see so many worse issues... but here goes..

He saw a Psychiatrist 2x then refused meds..

We have been married for 28 yrs..I met him after he divorced his first wife (she is a lesbian. They have two children- now in their 40's. He was the ideal man in the beginning. Charming and romantic...then life happened.

We went through the evil stepchildren phase with me literally being terrorized until they grew up and out. Finances forced me to take lead and work my rear end off 70+ hrs a week traveling in the midwest..five days a week, to keep us afloat (he farmed). He quit farming and went back to commercial construction for five yrs.

Fast forward..we moved to another state, I kept my job and he went back to building some. In Dec.08, he was hit head on and critically injured..I had to care, feed, bed, bathe other for three months after he came home. I took leave, then early retirement. After he was lucky enough to live through that and walk again, he became angry and abusive. Three yrs later, our house burnt losing everything...we pulled ourselves up and re-built (ourselves). I had good income for yrs and paid (a gorgeous 42 acre horse farm) everything off...but after this house, not a lot left-(insurance compted 2/3 of coverage..) Now, he is abusive, angry, talks down to me, makes me feel like I am nothing. I know now that he was always a narcissistic, manipulating a$$.

What can I do moving forward if it gets worse? We are aging (I'm 65), should I get my affairs set up so people I love will benefit if I pre-decease him? Financially, I need to stay in. Any thoughts? BTW...he won't go to counseling. Ever. Thank you.

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Well, Jane. Tell those people who think he's the life and soul of the party and all that... tell them that their favourite guy appears to have a problem with his frontal lobe and needs a brain scan before it gets him into the wrong fight.

Mind you. What do you then do if it is permanent residual damage from the TBI? If that should be so, it's still worth knowing. There are techniques and there may for all I know be medications that might help, and at the *very* least you'll know what you're dealing with. And whether he's got any real excuse.
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Janerides: what Sendhelp stated is a good idea. If you could go back to work and start to travel again would be really good for you. This would give you the distance from your situation, which in turn give you another way at looking at things. It would also help you emotional, physically, mentality, and financially. I believe this could be your answer!

Is this something you could do?
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I have a friend I met at Divorce Care, a Faith based Separation and Divorce support group. She had had to leave the farm and the animals and move 1700 Km in order to be safe. She changed her name, all communication with her ex was through a third party to keep her whereabouts secret. She had no internet presence and could not be photographed at Church Events. She is a soloist in the choir so not being able to take her photo was a big deal.

I am an animal lover and was in despair for 2.5 years, as I had precarious housing and thought I may have to give up my pets to keep a roof over my head. I was lucky and was able to keep the house.

My point is your safety and well being are more important than your animals. Do not try to talk to him about separation, talk to the lawyer, pick up your Go Bag (there is a reason you have it packed) and leave.

You will heal faster from your surgery not being in fear of your life.
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Go back to work, and travel away from home.
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Jane, your husband is mentally ill. Doesn't matter if it's because of a brain injury or another reason, but he no longer can reason and filter his emotional responses.

You are being damaged by his behavior. You are becoming murderous in your fantasies.

This is not good for YOUR mental or physical health.

Have you talked to YOUR doctor about this situation? Do you value your animals above your own survival?
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"I am afraid of him. I'm walking on eggshells."

You need to get out of the house at the very least. Please find a counselor to help you.
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I realize a "go bag" sounds a bit much, but unfortunately, things can go south very quickly! Your husbands abusive can get out of control.

I know you love your animals; I myself am a big animal lover!

But here is your choices: 1) stay put up with the abuse and have your animals. 2) leave and leave your animals behind (for now). 3) you could throw him out. But that will be easier said than done. However, women have done this & made it work. 4) just file for a divorce! You do not need his permission to divorce him.

You talk about assets/debt free; how much is that worth to you? In other words, is it worth your life? What are you will to go through to keep the farm & animals? These are the questions only you can answer!

You hear people say, "All the money in the world isn't worth putting up with xyz" but that really isn't true! Some people can with stand a lot to get whatever it is they want, alwhile another person in the same situation would leave a drop of a hat no matter what is at steak. Are you following what I am saying? Which one are you?

I believe life is full of hard choices. And you my dear, have some hard choices to make.

If you are cash poor than you have to find away to free up some cash! This will need to be done whether you stay or leave!

Think of companies that have become cash poor; they either sell bonds and/or stocks to get the money they need or go out of business. You can't keep anything going if you don't have any capital ( money)!

I know I seen brutal, but "I am just a matter of fact person & a realess"!

When it comes down to, is that you can not rationalize with your husband. His brain is damage!
Leaving you in a very hard situation.

Is it possible to move these animals to another farm until you can get your situation worked out? Or this will sound heatless, but could you sell a few of these animals to save the rest of them?

In the medical world, there are pt that just can not be saved so very little resources are used, because those resources can be used to save someone else. "Can't save everybody" is a common theme. Maybe you just can't keep all your animals! This is were logic is used vs emotions!

Just some food for thought!
I pray that God helps you in your time of need in the name of Jesus. Amen
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You are very young at 65! (My age, ha!) Why are you worried you may predeceased him? Do you think you may come to harm? I’m worried for you, and I can understand your reluctance to leave your animals. So if you plan to stay at least a little longer until you can talk to an attorney, I hope you guard your safety. Since you’re out in the country, I’m assuming you have gun(s). If you do please remove the ammo and lock them up so he can’t access them. Change locks and keys if he has one. Even better would be to get them out of the house. Call 911 if you’re afraid, and tell the police there are guns in the house, if there are. Make sure his brain injury and anger is known to them. And definitely tell his doctor that you’re afraid of his abuse.
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You see so many worse issues..?

[doubtfully] - well, I guess...

It makes me sad and angry when a person, man or woman, who is manifestly a winner is so undermined in his or her relationship by his or her partner that *in* the relationship only he or she is as battered and helpless as any uneducated, underprivileged, hopeless flake.

It makes me want to take the abusive partner warmly by the throat and say "don't be a [obscenity deleted]."

Has your husband had his head scanned recently?
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janerides Nov 2018
Dear Countrymouse; I am LMAO and crying at the same time...all while getting cranberry/orange relish ready for my brother's Thanksgiving dinner. AND they adore him, as if I were some wild topless dancer at a truck stop! IDK if those are a real thing, but it sounds dramatic. Wow, don't they know I paid for almost everything since he was pretty well retired at 50 yrs old???

I am not leaving here. He needs to watch a couple of Dateline shows where women lose it and roll em up in a rug. I keep myself tempered because he cannot control his mouth at all. I fantasize that one day he is going to cross the wrong cowboy and get his plow cleaned...I am sorry, but he needs to know that God, and some people are bigger than him.

PS: I am having a mastectomy after Jan 1st...I think I will be fine, but who knows..

Thank ya'll. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving whether it is alone, with family, or friends.
It sounds like Traumatic Brain Injury, which is a term for a nonspecific brain injury. It sounds like your husband suffered a brain bleed or severe bruising to his brain.

People who suffer from brain injury can change them from something so simple as their favorite color or food to a complete personality change. I have seen people who were mean turn happy & nice; a nice person turn mean; some people just lose their short term memory. It all depends on what parts of the brain was damage!

Your husband would need specialise therapy.

So, what do you do? What is it that you want?

You could stay with him; however, he will not get better without treatment. You stated you're staying with him because of financial reasons! If that is the only reason to stay than that is not a good reason to stay! Not saying you don't have feeling for him, just that you might be at your breaking point.

Does he have any income or savings?
Do you have any income or savings?

He could get SSD that would bring in some money for him or both of you (if you should stay).

If you don't have any money there are resources for women to get out of abusive relationship. And that is what your in; he may not be doing it intentionally! But that doesn't matter, your being abuse!

Is there a way you could save some money a little at a time or sell a few things and put the money in a savings acct without him knowing it? Do you have family or friends that could help you?

If you decide to leave you need to get your ducks in a row.
Yes, you should get your affairs in order, asap! Don't leave it up to him!
If you do have cash that you would like for someone to have, and don't want him to know about it than get a safe deposit box for that person, put the box in their name, but you keep the key. Make sure you trust this person just in case you need some of the money for whatever reason. Once their name is on the box you will have no right to it anymore, however, he won't know anything about it. There is no tie back to you. Or you can put your name and the other persons name on it and you keep the keys.

I would not be surprise if he is suffering from depression, it sounds like you two have been through h3ll and back.

I am so sorry that all this has happen to you! I know you think your problems are not as bad as others here, but no one's problem is bigger or smaller than anyone else's. They (problems) are all bad!

You need to come up with a action plan to leave him.
Where are you going to get the money if you don't have any?
Where are you going to put the money, bank acct, safe box (in home), safe deposit box, or somewhere in the house?
What will you want to take with you?
Who can help you?
You need to have answers to these questions.

Always have a bag of clothers & important papers, bottle water, a little bit of money in it (if possible) & anything else you can think of. Make sure the bag is hidden & easy for you to grab on the run. The bag should be black or a dark color!

May God give you the strength, wisdom, and guide you to make the right decision, and may He clear a path for you in Jesus' name. Amen
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janerides Nov 2018
Thank you for a very thoughtful reply. I do have resources to leave, have a "go bag", but we have a farm with much loved animals that I will not leave. We have assets/debt free, but are cash poor. He is good with the pets and horses, just horrible to me...his anger issues have pretty much isolated us from friends we've had...he has had actual verbal conflicts over such petty issues. I am embarrassed to death over it. I have contacted an attorney to try to organize affairs...and have tried to talk to him about separating, or divorce. I am afraid of him, I walk on eggshells. Praying for help and strength.
Me, I 'd leave. Its only going to get worse. A head injury could bring Dementia on. But then, I guess he won't go to be evaluated.

You say should u get your affairs in order? But what affairs if you have to stay in the marriage financially. I personally could not put up with someone like that. Your health will eventually suffer.
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