My very stubborn hubby won't take off urine soaked clothing. Any advice?

I think if my stepfather had had the care and understanding you all discribe he might not have taken his life.
He could see that he and mom were needing much more care than they were getting, but Mom was trying to hide it from us.
Now mom lives nearby in a retirement home. All that is keeping her independent is a wonderful meds dispenser that tells her to take meds and she does. It calls me if she doesn't take it out of the machine, if it jams, if her electric goes off, etc. she complains but would be even lonelier if she wasn't there where there are other people. (and I could NOT live with her!)

I am quite lucky that Mum will change her depends but I did right from the start insist she did. I found that she didnt want to change them more than once a day so.... I bought some really quite thick sticky on pads that insert into ordinary pads and found that the two together were brilliant. I could whip out the pad and put a fresh one in easily and she didnt have to change her pants every five minutes. A word of caution ....mum did try to do this for herself and put the sticky side towards her skin. not only did it not work - waterproof wrong side it also meant that she would have pulled a lot of hair out when it was time to remove it - I can tell you using scissors when somebody is refusing to lay down is scary but we managed and she was ok.

Donna he probably would have hun. Sometimes people get to a point where they choose not to go into the decline of old age and if that is what he chose for himself then he was content with his decision. I know some may not agree with the right to assisted suicide or indeed suicide but I can empathise - I dont want that for me at all and when that time comes I hope I have the strength to deal with it effectively. That is my personal view and not one I expect others to agree with or understand but it is and always has been my view.

I wonder what causes people to stop wanting to bath or change clothes. My Partner has always been meticulous about his dress. He had to have things match. He is from Germany and all of his clothes are so well made and seem to last forever, vs things made here in the USA. If he skips the bath, eventually, he will say he is itching. I will then make a time for the shower. At least twice a week, but no more. I insist on a cleaning smelling house. I am so sensitive to bad odors... I don't think I could do this if my home smelled like some nursing homes. I don't know what I would do if he refused to stay clean. It would be awful...

Jude, I hear you. I do not believe in suicide, but I truly understand not wishing to be a burden or very ill when I am old. What a terrible thing to do to my kids. But, this happens and that is why we are Caregivers... I know that my partner and I have both agreed that if the end is near, we are not to be prolonged by the use of anything...Just let us go. No one chooses to live out their life in pain, depression and not able to care for ourselves. We have no choice but to accept what is appointed to each of us.

Oh hell I dont want my kids looking after me - I have written an advanced directive explicitly stating what I will and will not accept. So let em put that in a pipe and smoke it. I cannot for the life of me understand why, if you put an advanced directive in place at the age of 60 and that you are judged to be sane at the time of so doing why it cant be honoured. The financial drain alone is ridiculous and if that is what the individual demands for themselves then why in hell dont we have a right to choose. Even more so if you are declared atheist or similar.

Thanks, Jude for your comments. My biggest regret was how it left my mother, with only a few thousand dollars and having to get the bank to sell her house for less than she owed, so no help there. ( unbelievably, the bank gave them a 30 yr. loan in their mid 80's just 3 years earlier!). I had been advising them but they did it when I was on vacation. It was a mess! Poor mom was in a fog for many months. I doubt that he knew she would get less than half their combined income, and as you said, it has been a financial burden on US since 2013, We will be helping until she dies. She's my mom, and I do my best to take care of her.

Cat urine is very hard to get out. It always comes back. Best thing, new mattress.

wow, Donna, were your parents just buying a house?

One of the "problems" with most of the incontinence products is that they are "too good"--they don't stay damp on the surface, so they are not obviously damp feeling. The combination of that and diminution of the sense of smell is a stink waiting to happen. (One of my daughters got resistant about toilet training when her baby brother was born, and I put her back into cloth diapers and let them get uncomfortable. It didn't take too long to decide that wasn't worth it.)

If the Depends don't feel wet to the wearer the best thing is to change them on a regular schedule. You know when they are likely to be wet.
Medicaid will pay or provide Depends but Medicare does not.

Jude, My kids keep begging me to move in with them. They don't need anything from me and are very comfortable. Why the hell would I want to mess up their lives. I told my son if I am alone and no longer caring for my Partner, I will gladly move to an apartment or a guest house on their property. BUT, NO WAY will I move into their home. I will not allow them to care for me...PERIOD. It just is not fair to them but they do not understand that yet. We caregivers totally understand it. If I am dying let me die...No tubes or anything, please....

Lots of good advice here. Amazing how they will listen to and obey practiaclly strangers, but let those of us near and dear try to reason with them, and it is like pulling teeth. Quick story: my mother (mild dementia) wears regular undies with pads during the day, and does a pretty good job keeping fresh. However, she is a 'dribbler' and sometimes doesn't get to the bathroom soon enough or pull her pants down far enough resulting in wet slacks. One day I returned from a quick trip to the store to find her sitting on the toilet, trying to dry her wet pants with a hair dryer! Just like a kid not wanting to get caught. Oh what a stench! She insisted she did it that way all the time - NOT - and it would be just fine. I had a real struggle convincing her that she would be better off changing. Heat set in the odor, by the way, and out went those slacks. Hugs to everyone having a harder challenge in this area.

Oh, and BTW I've put the hair dryer out of reach for her safety.

It's obvious from the comments in this thread as well as numerous others on this board that hygiene is a huge problem with our elders. I wonder why this is, considering that most of them have been fastidious all their lives until dementia sets in.

My mother isn't incontinent, but does periodically "dribble," as GGsGirl puts it (and I can almost smell the stench of heat-set urine! Ee-ew). She has a problem with cleaning up properly after a bowel movement. If I don't cut her off at the pass she will wear poop stained garments. In spite of two closets full of clothes, she wears the same items all the time. When I spirit them away to the laundry, she doesn't understand why I think they need to be washed.

This from a mother who used to admonish me to wear clean undies without holes in case I got into an accident! (Yes, there are mothers who actually issued that warning and mine was one of them, which made me wonder: If I did get into an accident, would her first concern be the condition of my underwear?)

I just don't understand why our elders are so resistant to bathing and changing soiled garments....

I've wondered that, too. She puts her worn clothes on a chair in the bedroom, and sometimes they can be re-worn the next day (passes the sniff test Lol). I wonder if getting clothes out of the closet or deciding what to wear is too difficult? Some colors are hard to tell apart, bit I try to arrange things by color so that is not a challenge. But out of all her things, she will pick out the same stuff time after time. I tried to get her to wear a nicer outfit for Mother's Day and had to remind her that family was coming to visit before she agreed. And then she adds the comment "Well I'll do what you want. I don't want to do anything wrong." Where does she get that? Makes me feel terrible, that I bully her or something. I bend over backwards to not offend or dictate or criticize what or how she does things. Mother's guilt tripping never ends, I guess! Perhaps it saves face in light of all the independence she has lost. But as to why previously fastidious people lose that sense of self with dementia - is it part of the nature of the awful disease? You try to maintain their dignity as the disease strips it and their personhood away. It is so cruel.

GG I think you hit the nail on the head there. They dont realise the dementia is stripping their dignity and personhood away but they do seem to realise that you are behaving in an odd manner and trying t take over in their eyes. You're not of course you are doing the best by your parents but this illness is not like other illnesses. There is no logic to their thinking process that is recognised as yet. If you think back she may well have always used the guilt trip to control you but to a lesser degree. Do try to ignore it if you can - it will only get you down and truly it isn't personal howevermuch it doesnt feel like that

After reading a lot of the comments here about men (and some women) who wet themselves and then don't do anything about it and exhibit some of the same behaviors. (such as walking around in wet pants, hanging up clothes to dry).I wonder if this is has a name ...i.e. is it designated or linked to some form of dementia? My husband doesn't seem to have dementia...or I'm not recognizing it...but he does have a problem with incontinence and refuses to address it. I think there are meds that a Urologist can prescribe than could help.

TekkaMae is right. When my husband became agitated, he had the strength of a million men! One day he layed down on the carpet when i was in another room, then start yelling out, "help me please i fell down" and, "I am having a heart attack" i drop everything and run to his side asking whats wrong? He called me a c** and another degrating name. I stood up and felt stupid, but started to walk away.He lifted his walker and hooked my right ankle making me fall to the ground, with the bookcase only a couple of inches away from my head. He didnt remember doing this an hour later. There were body slammings into the doorways pushing me and grabbing my arms and wrists, this is nothing compared to how bad he was a month before he left. My advice is dont push it or argue about it. In my case he didnt know what he was doing to me, which made it even worse. I never knew what he would be like. Just be careful?

left, kixxybaby?

I am going to say a mean thing but honestly, I think I mean it. I am so glad I was divorced years ago. :)

olivia12, not mean, just a different place. When i was first diagnosed with Rheumatoid Arthritis 25 years ago my then husband did not handle it well(had been an emotionally abusive situation anyway for many years). That diagnosis helped me decide to divorce because no way did I want him to ever be my caregiver. I'd never thought about it the other way around, but knowing now what it means as caregiver to my mother and seeing the hardships of others caring for their spouses - especially those from good relationships now so difficult - you and I made good decisions , I suppose. Old age and the diseases that go with

...with it are just cruel. When we are least able to handle life stresses, and who really thinks about that when young and able, Bam! And so many avenues for help that are hard to navigate, so complex with confusing rules and regs. We have one less person to worry about.

I guess this is not the time to tell you all that this weekend I instructed my daughter that when she next contacted her dad - my ex of some 24 years to tell him that if he ever needed me to look after him (had a prostate scare) or his new lady (had two strokes and 3 brushes with cancer) then providing he came back to britain (they live abroad) I would do my best by them both and to not worry should he die first I promised to take care of her. I just feel that he is so important to my children I have to do right by them

wow, Jude, that's amazing; it's like a story I heard once of a woman whose husband left her for another woman in another country and had two children by her, then he died, leaving them destitute and she took them all in and took care of them

I still doubting my sanity but it's something I feel in my heart and my head is right. I can like my ex again now and she's a bit dull but she and I get on OK. If it had been another woman when we finished that would probably be a different matter but it wasnt. I darent tell you what it really was!!!!!!

Now we are very curious Jude!

Make sure the disposables are readily available in the bathroom and bedroom. I swear, men will never change a roll of toilet paper. They just look at the empty spool and wait for it to change itself.

Pam, you are probably familiar with this riddle (which I first heard from Paula Poundstone):

Q. How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. Nobody knows. It's never been done.

does he have dementia?