Hubby watches television and sleeps all day.

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My husband had a stroke in 2003. In 2013, he suffered an infection in a heart valve, a staph infection and then C-diff. Although throughout our 40+ years of marriage he has had many health issues, he's never done much about them. He would on,y cooperate through a week or so of physical therapies. Since 2013, he has been retired and although he can make short forays with his walker, is for all intents totally immobile. He naps or sleeps about 18 hours a day. The television is constantly on and he binge-watches reruns for 12 hours a day. I am responsible for his caregiving, everything except feeding him. I am also responsible for our finances and with no prior experience since he always handled the money, I'm making a disaster of it. A few rooms in our home would qualify for "Hoading:Buried Alive" and I just have absolutely no ambition to clean or organize. Money is absolutely an issue and I can't afford behavioral therapy counselling for myself. My kids help when they can, but they are busy with own lives. I should mention that my mom is in a NH and as an only child, I'm also responsible for her affairs. This is not the Twilight Years I envisioned for myself and my husband. Hubby was a business-owners and we never wanted for much. I often wonder if he feels I "owe" him his care taking because he "took care" of me for so many years. But I always felt I was an obligation to him more than a life partner. If we didn't have pets and I was assured of being financially able, I would leave. But that's not an option. My own health is deteriorating as well. I know I will need another hip replacement soon and suffer from arthritis as well. I cannot leave him to have this surgery and cannot take care of him while I recover. I have also developed an issue with alcohol. I cannot handle this much longer and don't know what to do or how to take care of "me" that doesn't involve therapy and counselling that we can't afford.

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Hugemom, you are depressed and who wouldn't be in your situation? If you had lots of money and time, it would be easy to do something. But what can you do with no money, time, or incentive? In your situation, the first thing I would do would be to stop drinking alcohol. It only makes things worse. Then I would spend time outside doing something I enjoyed. With the hip problem, it may be limited to gardening using a chair. Anything would be good just to get you some sunshine. Sunshine helps naturally with depression. A lot of good solutions can come to you when you're doing things with your hands.

Everyone has to have health insurance these days. If you can't afford insurance, apply for Medicaid, then get yourself to a doctor to talk about your depression. It could be that some medication would make a world of difference.

I wish we could fix things for you, but you're going to have to make yourself do some things. Your husband sounds so much like my mother, so I know how you feel about being a slave. At my darker times I think about how my mother didn't have to buy a slave because she bore one. Sounds like you feel like your husband married one. Only we can break out of this unrealistic expectation of servitude, but I know how hard it is to do when there is no one to help. Still it is something we have to do. Be nice if we could kick them in the butt and tell them to get up and do something. That doesn't work, though.
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My dad had a stroke 5 years ago and he sleeps about 20 out of 24 hours. He is up at odd hours. The TV is on all of the time - he gets very angry if he wakes up and it is not on, or if my step mom changes it from the cowboy channel.

I have watched my step mom slowly die over 5 years. My dad's doctor recommends nursing home and has for years, but she won't do it. I'm not sure what exactly my dad is getting staying at home - all he does is sleep.

Get your husband into a place where he can have 24x7 care & you can remain his loving wife and advocate. He is gaining nothing by being at home - in my opinion.
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I agree that she should have a life of her own. But remember most people believe marriage is through sickness and health...she will feel better if she arranges care for her husband rather than just abandons him, which could push her into a very deep shame/guilt spiral.

Angel
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My first and foremost observation about your story is that I see depression in both you and your husband.

Since you only have control over you, I would definitely suggest getting some help for this and have others said, there is treatment on a sliding scale or for those on a limited income. Also, it would be really helpful for you to start reading about depression, and about being in a relationship with someone who has depression (both things you can google and you will find a ton of resources online that are free). As you start to heal, you will find the energy to start cleaning and living your life.

Now, about the husband...I do understand your feelings of obligation for the lifetime you have had together. My main comment here is that you can fulfill your obligation by making sure he gets the proper care (from someone else, not you). Whether that means that he needs caregivers or he needs assisted living or a stay in a psychiactric hosptial or whatever that looks like, you don't have to be the one that does the hands on care. I think you would feel better by making sure he had proper care, and then seeing what your life has in store (whether that be leaving or separating or whatever) if you set up his care first. Then you would not be weighed down by guilt, and you would not be stuck as a caregiver either.

That's a lot to digest so I'll stop there. But I agree, you don't have to live like this any more.

Angel
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You know, most kids hesitate to clear out the clutter for fear of making mom mad. If you ask them to clear it out, they will, but you have to bite your lip and not say "Oh not that!!" about any item they carry out. We waited until mom moved to AL so she didn't have to see the dumpster fill up. Sometimes it is better if you are not there at all to see it unloaded.
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