My hubby (who is blissfully still snoozing away at 11 am) came home from the one day he made it into the office this week and announced he's retiring. Period. No discussion, just, he's tired and wants to sleep all the time and wants to be done being "productive".
He's 65 (only just). Did have HepC for 35+ years, which developed into Primary Liver Cancer back in 2005. By stint of many miracles, he was given a second chance at life with a liver transplant in late 2005. Of course the HCV came back (it always does) he did 84 weeks on Interferon (a chemo like drug--horrible beyond words) but relapsed within 6 weeks. He was in remission, so we just went ahead with life, with the knowledge that new drugs were on the horizon. 2 years ago cleared the HepC with Harvoni, and now, is considered to be perfectly healthy, tho he will take a very small dose of antirejection meds for life. He is expected to have a normal life span of 80+ years.
OK, through all this ( and although he feels he did all the above completely on his OWN) I was here by his side 24/7 for all hospital stays, blood draws, in home care, etc. Cooked and cleaned, cared for the 2 kids we still had at home PLUS a foster son. He never acknowledged my help or hand in anything, beyond occasionally thanking me for bringing him a meal.
Since 2006, he has developed the habit of sleeping, nonstop from Friday night until into about noon on Monday. 11, going on 12 years of this. Even if we are out of town visiting g-kids, he stays in bed. Refuses to get up.
Sometimes he'll take "comp time" from work and sleep a whole week. And I mean, he is sound asleep for 24-72 hours at a time. Wakes up only to shuffle to the kitchen, make a bowl of cereal and eat it in bed.
ODDLY enough, the one saving grace has been his job: he LOVES what he does. He travels a lot (still often sleeps the weekends away, rather than come home) and it is his job and only the love of it that has kept him going.
I'm done. I worked 2 jobs to pay for the hospital bills and drug therapies. I took (and still take) complete care of ALL family stuff. All the bills, the house, the yard, organizing family activities, birthdays, holidays,.....he just sleeps. Oh, with the TV on (blaringly loud b/c he is also 80% deaf and will not address that.)
We have zero relationship. I moved out of the bedroom because he HAS to have the TV on day and night. Doesn't "get" why I objected to that. We have no intimacy in our relationship as he is "too-tired" and not the least interested in me, as anything other than a caregiver.
I DID tell him, about 2 months ago, I will file for divorce if he did not get some serious help for what I truly believe is the root cause of all of this: severe depression. And I meant it. He saw his GP, mentioned he was feeling a "little down" and she got him into a Psych doc ASAP. He has seen her a few times. He does not discuss what goes on in his sessions. (I need to add he thinks psychiatry is a bogus profession--sooo). I have seen maybe the slightest improvement..but I think I am dreaming, really.
I'm only 61. Not ready to retire. Not ready to have him home. I don't really even like him anymore. He will not listen to me, if I go in his room to talk to him , he literally wraps a pillow around his head to drown me out.
I know I am venting--I need to. I came home yesterday after a full day and he has had a cold (but it's a man cold) and he had promised me he would go back to the dr since it was obvious he had developed a secondary infection. I know he waited all day long and suddenly at about 3 realized I'd be home soon and got out of bed and went to the dr. Yes, he needed strong antibiotics and cough syrup. Probably ANOTHER 10 days in bed, too.
I am SO DONE. This is not what I had anticipated for retirement. I am on the fence about even staying with him. I have no friends to talk to about this and my therapist is worried I will spiral downwards even more w/o support. Everyone thinks he is some kind of hero b/c he beat liver cancer. Well, he was a champ, I give him that. It was horrible.
But I am a part of this marriage and I am miserable. People focus all their concern on him and no one ever asks if I am OK.
My therapist says I enable him too much. My kids say I am mean to him. How much, is too much? I cannot fathom spending another year in this unhealthy and depressing dynamic---it's enough to have an elderly mom to look after--and kids who need me for help babysitting, etc., but I am just so tired. Sorry for the overly long post. I just have nowhere to turn.