When and how do you know if in-home care is not going to work out?

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Alright, so I got my CNA license a few months back. I have no facility experience, just my two weeks in clinicals. Recently, my Husbands Grandmother has been staying with her daughters as she cannot live alone, she is on oxygen and has COPD and has been hospitalized for numerous reasons including overdose of her self managed pills. I was contacted by the daughter to ask if I could move in the grandmothers home and take care of her and get paid for it. At first, I was estatic after being in financial turmoil for so long and me and my Husband packed up our three year old and moved out to her house. My intention was to clean it up before she got here because it had been sitting for quite some time, but the family only gave me two days and dropped her off with no medication list and no instructions on what to do. She begins to micromanage me and follow me around, constantly being bossy (ex.: I'm not allowed to sit on the couch, I'm not allowed to clean the windows, and I'm not allowed to smoke around her... which would be fine (I NEVER smoke in the house) if she did not follow me outside and complain about it.) I can't even cook a meal without her insisting on some new rule and answering every question I specifically ask my husband. It's extremely frustrating and I've lost five pounds from stress and I haven't even been here a week. As if that isn't enough, she won't tell me when she needs help, won't let me manage her pills and says she doesn't need help with anything when I constantly ask her. She is so combative and bossy that I spend most of my time in my room with my son. It's not like I can ignore the mess either, there was a mouse problem so there are droppings everywhere and there was moldy food everywhere too but luckily I got rid of that before she came. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells and I have no idea what to do or say, everything just keeps getting worse. This morning, she saw me get up and make my cup of coffee and she knows I go and smoke after so she headed out to the porch and waited for me there so that I could not. I don't know how much more of this I can take, and I'm open to suggestions but what I really want to know is: when is enough, enough? I don't know how long to wait to see if things improve. She can NOT live alone so if I end up not being able to do this, the next step is a facility. Nobody wants that but what can I do if she doesn't even let me do my job?

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It is time to tell the family you tried, but you cannot keep up with her. If they dont want to take care of her, put her in the nursing home. Dont feel guilty about it, either. At least you tried. Good luck. Dont let them stall you or talk you into staying. Make your plans to mive out and let them know you are leaving. Do not let them get to you. They meant well and so did you. It just didnt work.
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Mixing family with home care is very difficult. My dad had care at home for almost 20 years. My mom was his primary care giver, but we also had a full time home health aid from 9am to 9pm every day. If it wasn't for the home health aide who was able to act as the "bad guy" and provide clear boundaries, there's no way we would have made it that long.

Are you looking for employment elsewhere? If they are paying you to care for her, one option would be to have them replace you with someone else so that she could remain at home. It sounds that your personal financial situation is a factor, but if you are able to find somewhere else to find work, you may find a better balance for yourself too. (I think it is easier to set boundaries when you are not direct family.)

We had many different live-in nurses and home health aides over the past years, and while I sometimes felt that they were cold at times, I realize now that it's an unglamorous and emotionally trying job. I wish you the best in finding balance with your family
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Um....she needs medication management, doesn't she, if she's OD'ed on her pills? If she's not going to accept that need from you (or from another in-home caregiver) then she needs for her meds to be kept under lock and key, either in the home or in a facility. I'd start there. If she won't accept that, it's not going to work.
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I think you got sold a bill of goods by her family, who didn't know what to do with her. I'd get out while you still have your sanity. I wouldn't put it on your resume, you haven't been there long enough to even count it. If anyone asks you about it, just say you hadn't done your homework and it was a bad fit from both sides. That's all you have to say.

The lesson is the next time, ask a lot of questions, meet with the client first, set ground rules and make sure you're all on the same page before you move in lock, stock, and barrel. This is painful, but a good learning experience for you!! Go find a good job that isn't with your family.
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Well, I do agree with that. I am supposed to get time off, she goes with her daughters when she is not with me. I can't help but to think that they couldn't deal with her and dropped her on me- and also it sounds silly but it would just be easier to NOT get paid and get a PM job with an actual company while my husband is home, until we can all agree on what to do with her because even with the behavioral issues aside, I worry for her health while she's refusing care. I don't know if in home care is even the right answer.
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I think the way this was set up is already causing problems because of family dynamics, you are walking a minefield where you are both family and paid caregiver. You have to admit you can't really compare this to a professional caregiving situation, even if you were a live in caregiver you would have time off and a contract, and you wouldn't have your husband and child living with you.
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She was the one who came up to the idea, and had no knowledge of our finances. To be honest this just might be who she is because I've only met her a handful of times... The worst part is I'm afraid to even put this job on the books because of how badly it is going- I don't want to lose my licence, I worked so hard to get it.
Thank you for your response! I keep getting advice but none of it is from other caregivers until now!
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OK, you had an agreement with the daughter (hubbie's aunt?), but what about with grandma herself? If all this planning was going on without her input I imagine she feels that you are all uninvited interlopers in HER home. I don't doubt that she thinks she is doing you a favour by allowing you to live there, especially if she was aware you were struggling financially.
You need to all be adult about this and sit down as equals to lay down the ground rules and set boundaries. Make it clear that her options are a live in caregiver or a facility, and that you are hired to be that caregiver. Try to talk over some of the things that are troubling for each of you and see if you can work out some compromises, but I have to tell you I am not very hopeful you will be successful.
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