How do you handle paranoia and claims of theft with someone who cannot be distracted nor redirected? Who wants to be right, not reassured?

My Mom and I go through the same things with my Dad. He is accusing a neighbor of theirs of stealing tables and various other things from his back yard. He cannot be reasoned with. Thank God he has a mobility issue (I know that sounds bad) but at least he can't walk across the street and accuse the neighbor. Distracting him is hard. He just cannot be rationalized with. So, I too have learned to say, "I know Dad. I'm sorry but there is nothing we can do about it because it's your word against his. No one else saw him take anything and you don't have a camera showing him taking anything." He gets mad and this leads to a shouting match. Mom's dragging her feet about going into ALF. She complains all the time about what she has to go through with him. Then she gets mad at me when I try and help her with things. She is 89 and he is 92. I am a Christian and I pray a lot. I read the bible which reminds me that I am not in control and I can put my faith in Christ. It is easier said than done and I still continue to mess up and do things in a way that I have told myself I will not do. My parents have always been good to me and my brothers (who have now passed which leaves just me to help care for them). It's only been since the aging started to really affect them that they have become less desirable to be around. Neither one of them is willing to come to terms w/the fact that they cannot and will never again be able to do all the things they once did. They have plenty of money to live in the ALF. Well, after a couple of years of this, I have finally accepted the fact that as long as they are considered able to make decisions for themselves I can't for the to go live in AL or allow someone to assit them in their home or live in with them. I just have to take one day at a time and deal with whatever happens to them as it happens and they are unable to do anything for each other any more. They will just have to hit bottom which I have been trying to avoid. So sad.

Annabanana
I have dealt with a couple of LOs who didn’t want to leave home or be in a social situation. One half of an antianxiety pill enabled them to not only go but also enjoy themselves. Ask her doctor about that. I also took my mom to the same Primary. It saved time for both me and the doctor.

"I'm so sorry that's missing" is exactly the right thing to say.. you empathize with the feeling, not the fact.

Google Teepa Snow and watch her videos.

Aand yes, you need a geriatric psychiatrist, or someone who understands that a broken brain needs meds, sometimes even antipsychotics, to restore normalcy.

A friend was care-giving for about a year for her mom with Lewey Body dementia and had exactly the same behaviors and paranoia. No medication the doctors tried helped at all. Eventually, the mom was put into a memory care facility and, amazingly, is doing great and LOVES it there! She behaves completely differently and appreciates her daughter's visits now instead of constant criticism and accusations. It turned out to be just what she needed. I think the staff at places like that know how to deal with dementia behaviors better than we as family members can, since we're (maybe) too close to it.

You poor thing. I’m so sorry you and your mom are going through this. It is so painful
for all concerned. I had a good friend who died of Alz a few years ago. She had the same problem with three small vintage purses she prized. She would hide them from herself. Then get angry. Her DIL would find notes where she had written out exactly who had been in her home and it was clear who she thought was taking her things and of course that wasn’t the case and was painful for the accused. Nothing would convince her that she was wrong. Often as the condition worsens, they lose interest in that problem and go onto the next. I know a year is a long time with this issue.
I assume she has been checked for a UTI? That was one of my friends problems. She had them often and would have to be hospitalized. Some doctors don’t understand about how a UTI can cause problems. My aunt had one of those. If they aren’t checking her urine then I would want that done. You can have that done at an urgent care. You might not have to take her in, just the urine. Worth a phone call. Make sure a culture is done for the correct antibiotic if she shows infection. Drug stores sell kits but you would still need the antibiotic if she has an infection.
See if you can find a geriatric physiatrist. They might do an appointment over the phone. My husband has had two dr appointments on the phone since the isolation and they have worked well.
You sound very thorough on what you have done to help. I would try the “let’s call the police tomorrow” to see if that would work to settle her down. I assume you have watched Teepa Snow on YouTube? If not, see if you can pick up any pointers there.
Also anything you can do to get her to reduce her belongings would be less to sort, look through, put away.
This is so hard. I’m really sorry.

Hi Anabanana - I understand your frustration. My Alz. mother went through a period of time where she accused people of stealing her things. She could never be convinced that the missing items were hidden some place in her room. In her mind, she absolutely believed that they were stolen. Thank goodness, she no longer does that now.

For your mother's situation, if it helps her calm down, then you should just agree with her. It's not cruel in my opinion. Tell her she should report to the police or you'll call the police for her tomorrow. Of course, you won't do such thing, it's just to stall and calm her down.

As for the doctor who is against psych med, is s/he recommending an alternative way to help your mother?

You might try baskets. Lots and lots of baskets. As long as they are not on the floor and become a trip hazard, open baskets or clear tubs might work for her to be able to see her items at all times instead of having them inside cupboards or drawers.