How do you deal with being a family caregiver?

I have to take exception to the comment that "It's just what you do for your family." Or rather, I take exception to stating this as if it's a hard and fast rule, beyond question, rather than what it actually is: a widely held but not universal or unquestionable point of view. I'm just not on board with the idea that one is obligated to make any sacrifice necessary to take care of any person who happens to be a blood relative, regardless of their personal merits or how they may have treated you or other people in the past, just because "it's what you do."

I think we're all entitled to our own lives. More importantly, we're all entitled to make our own judgment as to who and what is worthy of our personal sacrifice. Nobody should get a free pass just because they're blood relations. Nobody should feel obligated to make huge sacrifices for someone just because they're family either.

I was a RN specialising in Geriatrics and when it was my turn to be the only caregiver 1st for my father in law and the my mother in law I thought I'd lose my mind. You've recieved some excellent advice. All I have to add is this; there is a book "Elder Rage or Take my Father, Please!" I've lended my copy or I'd give you the author. I found it by accident in my closet (fate). That book saved my sanity. I remembered why I had used it in practice for all those years. When my F-I-L, died (he was the good patient) and his wife became mine I jumped into proactive mode. I went anywhere I could to reduce her living expenses, taxes and such, did a reverse mortgage so we'd have the money to care for her when we needed to and husband is D and M POA and I am backup. She is awful but I'm aware of the games she plays and made sure her 3 sons have experienced them personally,lol. I have my own health problems and recently I hit my end and quit. After they all were on there knees I hired a lovely woman as a companion. She comes M-F for 3-4 hrs. All is well. She tried once to let her go and I told her flat out NO. She was our compromise and if she goes, I go. Here's my plan...I figure there's enough money to let her age in place until she is cognitively unaware and then we'll reevaluate. The house is valued at about 120k. We took 45k in the reverse mortagage. Put have in a money market to grow ( almost 1k so far). A RM does not require payback until she's been out a year but they start asking every 6 mo. Also, if your family member has any life insurance check to see if it has a terminal pay out. Many will allow you to take 1/2 of the payout with a terminal diagnosis. This is my plan. I have very bad COPD. When I need care we will pull 75k which will help tremendously and still leave 75k for my spouse. So there are a few suggestions. I'd find the book 1st. Good luck and remember your karma is hugely positive and that will matter, paying foward.💞.

Correction "ferris" is incorrect.

Ferries is incorrect... there are over 50 types of Dementia ... and Alzheimer's, so far is the only known dementia to be terminal. A person exhibiting dementia (dementia being a generalized term for psychotic episodes of many degrees) .. as far as you, as it being unfair, it is. Find help now, and get to "your life, they've lived theirs.

Its just what you do for your family. I know how you feel. Been living and taking care of my mom since 29, and now almost 37. I raise a 15 yr old son on my own and im in college. It is alot! It is so stressful, but you made step in right direction by coming to this site for help! We alo know just how you feel. Some days want be so bad, and others you will dream of running away! But in all serious, your doing for your family, and that is very commendable! Look for all resources in your state for elders, and if yiu can spare the time join a caregivers support group. Wish you all the best and we are here for you!!😊😇😊

Blessings to you for helping your aunt and grandfather. Grandparents in nursing care, their daughter (your aunt), taking care of them, and now your aunt needs help and you've moved in with her. As far as financial help, I'm guessing aunt isn't old enough for any kind of social security benefit she may have earned from previous employment in other words is she 65 yet, or 67.5? If she is, she should have social security. If she's younger than that, and has any major health issues and cannot work she should apply for disability if she's under 65. Otherwise keep working on Medicaid for the grandfather. If grandfather worked which likely he did, he should already be collecting some type of social security benefit and/or Medicare/Medicaid. Aunt could also look into doing a caregiver contract for taking care of dad, have it legally done through an attorney, cost varies, but it's typically low, maybe 200 to 500.00, low compared to things like wills or living trusts. This would make her an employee to the grandfather, and although likely the only source he'd have to pay her with would be from his ss, it would give her the funds to keep a roof going over grandpas head, she can use those funds to pay utilities, buy food, pay rent/house payment, etc,.. just like she would any other job, it's income, she'd also have to pay income tax out of it, I'd recommend to do that quarterly.

As for just coping for you, it's hard and it's hard to not be angry at other family members for not stepping up. Most of us feel that at some point. Being a caregiver is usually an act of taking the higher road, your aunt has taken the higher road by taking care of her dad, caregiving isn't pretty, it's tough and it can be downright ugly, there's no perfect way of doing it and it leaves people almost battle beaten. Not one caregiving situation is the same, there are many variables whether it's medical conditions, family conditions, financial conditions.

Caregivers need breaks. If you've got the space, I'd set up a room where you live that's the break room, not kidding. You and your aunt can have quiet breaks away from everything going on in the home. My break room is outside doing yard work, and I set up my bedroom to the furthest corner and quietest corner of the house. I'll set my dad up with lunch or dinner and while he's eating, I got to that space, work on line, watch a show, etc.... In that room I'm not surrounded by medical supplies, and all the other things required for caregiving, it's a normal room. Anyone caregiving for awhile understands what that means. It'll help you a lot and your aunt if you do your stuff on a schedule as much as possible, so your aunt knows when you'll be there and not, and let her know ahead of time, that when you are there, you have to do this or that and cannot help with grandpa at certain times. If she needs your help, she should let you know ahead of time if possible. I hope something out of all this helps you. Stay strong.

You are 27, and no it is not fair. You need to build your life and career. If aunt can no longer care for grandpa unless you help, then it is time for grandpa to live somewhere else. Have you looked at facilities at all? There are many nice ones that will provide the services grandpa needs, without your help.

My mom was diagnosed with dementia 12 years ago, it can go on and on and on. There may be something else going on as ferris says, but there may not be.

See an elder law attorney that specializes in Medi-Cal planning. He is permitted to own a house and a car. Does he have quite the portfolio of assets? He does need to spend down all but house and car to become eligible.

If you are 27, then your grandmother must have had dementia for 27 years based on what you say. That seems highly unlikely. Dementia is a terminal illness and females do not live that long with it. I suspect she has another disease as well. However, life is difficult to quote Dr. Scott Peck from his book "The Road Less Traveled". Since you have no POA, then your aunt needs to look into financial assistance. I suspect a place located in San Francisco is very, very expensive, so how is your grandmother able to afford that? In order to get financial assistance from a state or government, one has to provide financial records to prove they need it. At 27 years, you are a babe in the woods, and no one guarantees you a handout, but only hand-ups. Work hard and make sure you are providing enough financial savings for your own future. Take some lessons from your aunt, and I hope things turn out for your family!

Pamstegma -- Thanks for mentioning the five years of financial documents. I am 85 and preparing the information my son will need if he ever needs to send me to a nursing home. His father-in-law is exactly my age. I will suggest to my son and his wife that they obtain all the information they need about her father too.

It is 'like you are dedicating your whole life to them'. And it is unfair, especially at your young age.
BUt to answer your question about finding some financial assistance....is your grandfather a veteran? There are many threads in here for veteran care assistance.

I can't speak on the financial end, but I can speak about the stress of caregiving. I'm an only child, so when my Mom was diagnosed with Lung cancer, my husband and I became to sole caregivers with majority falling to me. Many times I thought I would scream, at those time I would take a time out. Many times just stepping outside gave me a new outlook. At times when things would get so stressful, I found something in that situation to smile even laugh about. I know it doesn't seem fair but remember you are making they days brighter by helping and being there for them. My mom is now gone, but I so happy I stuck it out because I know she was much happier in her last days. Plus I have made some precious memories.

Find out why grandpa can't get Medi-Cal. Usually there are errors or insufficient documentation. Now your aunt needs care and her Medicaid application will be totally separate. You must submit five years of financial documents. Incomplete data is the biggest reason for rejected applications.