How do you deal with being a family caregiver?

sweetevelyn: Try to be less acrimonious.

Send: Oh, yes! Do so!

:)

"Can I get back to you on that?"

Lol Llama.

Sendme2help: A little more on your "I can't possibly do that." When the person you're talking to asks why, you can say "oh, I forgot why!"

:)

We all have mental problems sweetevelyn. It's the great equalizer.

BYE-BYE FELICIA! Hope you find a support group that works for you!

.To all the family caregivers that complain on this site. Do your family a favor and get someone else to care for them. They would be better off!! Lots of bad advice form others. Lots a hostility toward their loved ones. I feel sorry for you all. Hope you are treated better when you need help. I am leaving this site because I think most of you have mental health issues and you could use professional help!

Oh yeah, Sweetevelyn attacked me on my homepage too! Maybe she's not so sweet!

Yup, in the same boat as both CarlCB and Jessie, and nobody knows exactly what we have given up in the MANY YEARS we have given up, to care for our LO'S, and it SUCKS!
People have no right to heap their Judgement on other's, until the've walked a Mile in Our Shoe's! Great idea's and Suggestions from both of you, BTW!

Thanks, JessieBelle and StaceyB. Yes, it was an expression of condemnation for not feeling the way a daughter is "supposed to" feel, or at least for saying it outright. The truth is, nobody likes my mother, except people who don't know her very well. That's one of the reasons why none of my siblings are rushing in to help her. Someone has to help her, I agree. But IMO nobody has to like it.

:)

Oh, I just figured it out. She was upset because you spoke honestly about how you felt. I think it is a good thing to be able to speak honestly and anonymously here. We're not saints. There are a few people who have been on here that totally sacrificed themselves, but I have to admit that I found the devotion a bit over the top. We have to take care of ourselves as well as the person we are helping.

CarlaCB, How Rude, more like! Sheesh!
I'm so sorry that person wrote that to you!
They Couldn't Be More Wrong! HUGS!

But, Carla, you do help your mother a lot. That message was out of left field. I guess she meant you ought to move in with her... Heck, I don't know what she meant.

I found this on my private message board from sweetevelyn.

"I find you selfish and uncaring!! She is your mother and you do have an obligation to help her. Maybe she would be better off without you! People like you think of themselves."

How sweet! No?

My heart goes out to you. You are too young to take on this responsibility by yourself. I live in the east and not familiar with CA. I am an only child, lost my dad earlier this year and now my mom needs 24/7 care. I am also a retired nurse with 40 years experience, yet I know my limitations. I think starting with the office of the aging was a very good suggestion. If there are any financial resources, I'd enlist the counsel of an elder care lawyer, but it does not sound like there is. I'd also have a talk with your father. Sounds like there is bad blood between them from long ago. But now, YOU are solely involved trying to be responsible. Whatever difference there has been in the past, your father should step up to help YOU, even if it is indirect help, like researching how to get YOU help, even if your grandfather was the smuck.

After reading a bit more, Ladyluck, I see you go to visit your father in the nursing home very often. You also take care of many other things in his life. I did wonder how that was going for you -- if you had gotten him moved and got a car. If we knew a bit more about you personally, we would have known that you were speaking as one who knows how it is to care for someone completely.

Caregiving full time 24/7/365 for someone other than one of your own children is not "life. For some reason, usually because money is limited, and other members of the family refuse to do the job or even help, someone gets stuck doing it. And that "someone" is going to suffer in great insurmountable ways. To any who may think it's an obligation .. I ask, an obligation for what ... what on earth or beyond could a person have ever done in their life to ever be beholden to another' who's life is degrading to degrees lower than infancy. Elder full time care is not at all like taking care of a child who grows, learns, changes, communicates and enjoys life with curiosity and amazement as they age and mature with each passing month ...Full time Elder-care is nothing short of being drowned in saturated duldrum, while being surrounded by repetitive acts, excessive amounts of repeate television shows, repeat words, and movements.. at times filled with bizarre dementia episodes so deep and bothersome that it causes you to cry deep tears of loss of your own life and world .... it's full of degrading bowls and bladders, inappropriate adult sounds, belching, etc etc, forgetfulness to the point of insanity, elder mood swings dealing in 75plus years of their own phychological "junk ... prejudices, likes and dislikes, poor hygiene, wills and stubbornness the size of the world ..attitudes that do not change while independent skills are either willingly or not, given-up or lost ... Toilet habits that become a nightmare. Sleep patterns and phone calls (even if ur in the other room) that make it impossible for the care-giver to ever sleep an uninterrupted night. Being exposed to repeat Idiosyncrasies that in any 3rd word country would be considered as torture and at the least, brainwashing. I could go on of what full time elder care does to the physical personal and private life of the caregiver, but you wouldn't believe it. In my mind, what Ive experienced, the only differences between full time (meaning not your career that you are compensated for and go home after a shift) I'm talking 24/7/365 days per year full time care.. having to do that for an elder is nothing less than being a complete and utter slave while also being in-prisoned.

Ladyluck, your mother is in a nursing home. Many of us have mothers who are still living in their homes and need a lot of care. It is much harder generally. I've been with my parents for seven years now. My father passed away, so now it is just my mother. It is very demanding emotionally and often physically. It is great the idea of family and all, but why would the caregiver not be considered family and worthy of some type of life? We get into this way of thinking that the elder is important and the caregiver is a family servant. It is the way of getting needs met with the smallest number of people sacrificing anything. The importance of this group to me is letting the carers know they are important and not just conveniences for their families. Caregiving can end up taking 10-20% of someone's life. It is not just a little thing that is a momentary inconvenience.

Ladyluck - I don't have an attitude, as you term it. I have a belief system. I believe that we should all start from the premise that nobody is obligated to help us just because we're related by blood, and if they do help us, that's a gift of love to be appreciated, not an obligation to be expected. .

Unfortunately, I'm stuck in a situation where I'm called upon to fulfill an obligation I don't even believe in, and have been doing so for more than 5 years. So you are right that as a practical matter there is often a need for help and nobody really willing to do it, and somebody gets stuck. Much as I dislike it, that someone is me. What I resent most is somebody saying to me "Well, that's just what you do for family." I dumped my best friend for saying that exact thing to me. What I want people to say is "Gee, that really sucks. I'm sorry you're in that situation, having to put your life on hold indefinitely for the benefit of somebody you don't even like."

Apart from that I pretty much agree with you, especially with respect to the idea of sharing the burden of care so that no one person gets stuck with a disproportionate burden. I do a lot for my mother just so other people don't get stuck with it, other people I care about who would be even more inconvenienced or burdened by doing it than I am. That's the only thing that actually redeems this sacrifice in any way for me. I'm not saying nobody should help their family members. I'm saying nobody should expect it as a matter of course, and everyone should realize it is a sacrifice and does take away in a major way from a caregiver's quality of life.

Sendme2help: Great, spot on, responses!! Kudos! That's genius!

One more thing that I should clarify: As a normal rule, I don't think that most young people in their 20's should be relied on to be one of the main caregivers because they have their own identities to build at that time. However, if they are living for free with family that needs help maybe they could come up with some kind of contract for what they are comfortable doing, or what they'd like to do.
(Or contribute $ to rent that could be used for the benefit of all).

I'm responding to "CarlaCB/Give A Hug" and her answer. Yes, in a perfect world it wouldn't be necessary to make sacrifices to help one's family. BUT, unless your family is made of money or has done very good pre-planning, SOMEONE has to take charge and volunteer at least some of their time when a senior starts having medical or cognitive issues. Ideally, everyone can just give a little bit to a moderate amount of time or money...But in practice, it often falls to the most giving or generous person (or the one who lives closest). Your answer, while somewhat pragmatic, reflects a certain level of insensitivity to the complexity of the issues. Maybe when it's your turn to need help, everyone dear to you will think exactly as you do, and you could then be the one abandoned when you may truly need some support or help. (Karmic justice...unless you really did give in some way such as financially to others when they needed your help). No, there is no obligation to help a family member, but if you refuse, just realize that you are contributing in all likelihood to caregiver stress on someone more giving than you, and possibly hastening the death of your loved one as well. (Would it be their "time to go"? Due to lack of enough support - whether financial or practical such as visits to a nursing home... Another philosophical question....). You may be a survivor with your attitude but I believe that you could also be just a bit more understanding and compassionate when others are in need. Good luck when you face old age yourself....

Michael: You can't and shouldn't soldier on! You'll be lucky if you can remember your own name!

To answer your question, I haven't dealt with it well - I have caregivers burnout - total withdrawal from the world, friends, suicidal thoughts. The result of first taking care of my mom before she passed and then/now my dad for 13 years. Gave up a great career, started my own company and gave that up. And much worse happened but I won't go into it now. I have finally, I hope, dragged myself from oblivion and have a plan. Don't let this happen to you. Take time for yourself and don't do it all yourself.

Wonderful advice from everyone.

.. I now see Jessie belle left similar advice to you .... which means start to let it sink in.

..."excuse the typos I had just left, I am voice typing from my phone .. for instance "correct perspective" rather than "correct perception" ...

Michael, With having to build a scene from what you've said ... I'm going to assume your aunt is also living off your grandfathers budget, she most likely is simply living their with no financial input of her own, and because she's been sole full care giver, that's ok. And perhaps that's why I moved in, thinking if your going to be there helping all the time then stopping a rent situation out on your own by moving in, would be 'best affordable...but now the entire circus is too much...am I close? ... This situation can end if your grandfather A. Gets hired in-home hospice help or B. Goes to a facility. His money issues will iron themselves out the very second your aunt allows him to be placed. All monies will be allocated to his needs, and at that point perhaps he will qualify for an assistance program to pay for his needs in facility. Your aunt may be torn as well.. meaning as soon as he's placed her life becomes her financial responsibility, she may be worried of that. (One thing, your aunt can be paid to care for your grandfather if she Qualifys and if she stays in that position, check out care giver reimburment in your state) ... anyway, yes your aunt will take advantage of you, anyone would because you "are there. Perhaps sit her down, explain to her your ideals of the situation, your inytentions vs reality have now changed, that you love them all but you need to be on your own to save your sanity and to build a life as you're entitled. Give her a time limit to start placing him or finding live in care or what ever suits your situation best. Tell her she has two weeks three weeks a month whatever, to start figuring it out because you need to live your life and that you are going to do that . My guesses she is just as overwhelmed as you but in a different way beings how she's a little bit older and starting her life over out on her own will be a different type of struggle then what you will have . But Michael, she is not too old to do that, and she can do that. It's you tiger, this is your life and you can ease the change without disrupting the things you are worried about too terribly but you need to put a time limit and stick to it so that she knows you are serious. Also, the changes your personality is going through is very typical for a person who feels imprisoned it is very typical and it is very expected… The differences and the difference only happens when you make the move to leave… You can still love and you can still care about them and you can still help out on occasion but every day 24 seven is not what life is about. Your grandfather is not your child, is not your husband, your aunt is not your wife nor your spouse... what I am saying, is, you should not be in the 'position you are. Begin to back yourself out and your aunt needs to re-evaluate with clear mind and correct perception.