Anyone have suggestions or insight to battle loneliness?
I witnessed my grandmother experience extreme loneliness even though her house was full of company. On any given day she may have 15 guests or visitors. She didn't go a day without some company. Even though her mind was clear, she began to differentiate between types of company. Those that came often were no longer beneficial to her feelings of loneliness. I am beginning to see this in my mother who has dementia. For her, she needs constant distraction to fight the loneliness. Even when my sister who she loves and admires stayed with her, the need to go and be in public or have other company did not subside. As we plan to move mom to assisted living, one that is beautiful and active, how can we address this loneliness? Is it just depression? She insists it isn't, and that she's a happy person and can stay alone with no problem. But her actions show different. We would like to be proactive in helping her with this. She will also have company at least twice weekly. Any suggestions or insight?
It's the days when strength and flexibility were better than they are now. And it's the days when Dad and I could do things together, without an oxygen tank.
But I'm also remembering the highlights of my life, wishing there had been more and trying to think of ways to continue those reinforcing events in the future.
CWillie is right. I think the loneliness is actually a longing for the past, brought on by reminiscing of days gone by, contrasting better times with the sober and perhaps frightening contemplation of days ahead which because of age limitations and already departed family will never be as rewarding as those in the past.
I'm trying "reconfigure" these events in my mind and think of ways I can contribute to the younger generation, to share the memories I have and help them bond with existing family, not with their tech devices.
The equity in his house was used to pay for the monthly rent, so I was happy he had saved for this "rainy day".
Even thought Dad was a shy person, he kept his apartment door opened and other residents would walk by and yell in "Hi Bob", and that always made him smile. He loved meal time, as he sat with the same table mates who had lived in his neck of the woods when he was much younger.
As for myself, I left work for almost 2 years as my position was eliminated because I took too much time off to help my parents, and I jumped right back in as soon as a spot at another company was available. That in itself was a life saver for me. Going to work always made me feel better.
My mom asked to go for drives every day. She could comment on the sun, trees, cows, pastures other cars and not worry about saying the wrong thing. Everything was present and immediate; no following a storyline or having to remember something from the past. She must have pointed out 25 - 30 livestock pastures and informed me that she use to play golf there. We would say we were going on adventure and find roads we had never driven before. Those were her happiest times, when her limitations and isolation did not bear down on her.
My mother has no visitors, beyond myself and a few church people "assigned" to her. She doesn't dress up or even attempt to be very friendly. She is lonely without doubt, but she has outlived most of her friends, she refused to move to Assisted Living (a LOVELY community) where she would have made friends. She is unsteady on her feet and since refusing outside aides to help her, brother (with whom she lives) will not allow her to take one single "stair" on her own. She is essentially captive in her apartment. She has one couple who will drive her to Bingo one day for 3 hours and brother or one of his kids takes her grocery shopping one day. Nobody ever visits, she has pushed us all away, one by one, with anger and nastiness and the sheer boredom of her talking about the "better days" (which weren't that great). My hubby hasn't even seen her in 18 months. And we live 2 miles away.
Sadly, she's chosen this loneliness. There are plenty of opportunities to make friends and be a friend and she will pick out one person (they have to be able to drive) and make them her new best friend. She's running out of those.
Some people are chronically lonely. Mother won't even go on a drive to see the fall colors. She might go to lunch, but I can't eat lunch at 10:30 am. Or dinner at 4.
Also, it isn't my place to find friends for her.
Her mother, on the other hand, loved nothing more than a rambling, no-place-in-mind drive all afternoon, throw a couple great grandkids in the backseat and we'd have a jolly good time.
I could live to be 200 and I would never understand how 2 such different creatures co-existed for so long.
Can't stand not being in charge. Can't hear. Don't want others to discover their toileting issues. Are slipping mentality and don't want to reveal it to others. Picky eater. Fear. Anxiety. Wants a sycophant, not companionship.
It's exasperating for those who are closest to the elder. We hear common sense suggestions from people on the "outside." We even agree with them!
But when the elder won't budge, we caregivers are reduced to being the elder's puppet. And the only way we caregivers can keep the richness in our own lives is to commit to activities and experiences that exclude the elder.
Crazy, inn'it?
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