How would you help someone who detaches in anger rather than confront their feelings head on?

Tell him that he has every right to be angry, but no right to take it out on you. Then go do something for yourself.

Sometimes matching anger for anger can move the anger out of the way, when that doesn't work, move you out of the way.

It is truth that people are hardest on those closest to them. He knows that he can be a total knot head and you will take it. It's what we do for those we love, but it is okay to tell them it's not okay.

Buy him a nerf bat and a pillow that he can take his anger out on, use it yourself. It really works!

I like Dr Phil's description of anger

“Anger is nothing more than the outward manifestation of hurt, fear or frustration, or some combination of all three.”

Think about it, you really get angry because you can't control a situation. My daughter gets angry because she can't get her boss to understand that she is limited either in experience or because the company she works for doesn't supply the tools needed. (She has a AD in graphic arts but boss wants her to do web design, schooling is different. Plus, her job discription does not include her needing GAs for the job)

I like what Lizzy said. Her FILs death was like a weight off her DHs shoulders. He no longer had to try to be what he wasn't or argue that he wasn't what his Dad wanted him to be. Maybe some grief because he could never be what his Dad wanted but that is not DHs fault. Its FILs for not excepting who his son was as a person.

Your husband really needs help. Its not good for him to be like this. There is a reason for this anger and he needs to find it.

Gershun,

My DH and his Dad had a love/hate relationship. And boy could they push each other’s buttons!

DH was the Black Sheep of the family but turned out to be quite successful as an adult. Didn’t matter FIL continued to treat DH like an idiot. DH continued to try prove himself worthy. So sad to watch.

When FIL started to deteriorate DH started to self destruct. Thankfully the downward slide only lasted 8 months.

I was panicked as to what was going to happen to DH when FIL died. DH chose not to stay overnight the night FIL died. That might have sent DH over the edge. Things like that haunt him to no end.

After a week or so It was like the weight of the world was lifted from DHs shoulders. Sad but true.

DH is not nearly so moody, quiet, and finds it much more easy to be happy. Sad but true.

After FIL died slowly DH shared interactions between he and FIL over the years. Awful. Frankly most folks would have walked away and never looked back.

I agree, counseling would have helped DH years ago. DH went to counseling with me twice in 40 years. That was for OUR problems. He only went because I had one foot out the door and he knew I was serious.

Best of luck to you and your DH.

Go to therapy alone. That alone will help you to respond in a way that is beneficial to you. We seldom have the power to change others and how they react.

My husband can be like that too. He worked for his family’s business and the kids and I knew as soon as he walked in the door that he’d had a bad day. We never tried to find out what was wrong. He wouldn’t tell us but he would lash out at us. Pardon my language but we called it “The Phantom Ass Screemer” it was phantom because we didn’t know where it came from, why, or where it went when he was himself again. Honestly, we tiptoed around and kept to ourselves. I never tried to play therapist. That was the way we kept our own sanity.

Sometimes you just can’t “fix” things.

I'm not sure that a spouse or partner can do much in this situation.

The one thing that occurs to me is for you to find a therapist who can help you cope with the angst of living with someone like this. You've said before that he is often whiny, but anger is often a defense against feelings of inadequacy, fear or guilt.

My going to therapy made my (first) husband feel better. It proved that I was the problem and that I was the crazy one. I think it really did make him feel better about himself.