How would I get out of it?
Hello to all,
I've been lurking on this site for a while, and my heart goes out to each and every one of you. It is so distressing to read some of the experiences that you all have had or are currently having.
I know I am extremely fortunate that I am not caregiving ... yet.
But I am getting very nervous about both my parents living so long and having so many problems. Currently my dad's situation is the worst.
He lives in another state with his wife. They have done fairly well until the past few years. Dad is 90, his wife is 83. They are having so many physical problems that it boggles the mind and I don't know how they cope with it all. They never had children together. I am Dad's only child.
Stepmom has never wanted me very involved until a few years ago when my dad was diagnosed with dementia. That's when I started getting messages from her telling me it was time for me to call him or time for me to come visit. This was annoying since she had made it very plain that I wasn't someone she wanted around much when I was young. She always wanted him all to herself. I used to try to visit once every other year, but I don't go that often now. He doesn't recognize me and I get no enjoyment in listening to her talk for hours.
Dad told me about 10 years ago that they had made their wills, POAs etc. Their county has all legal documents online and I looked it up recently and saw that I am named on my dad's medical POA as secondary. The wording in the document is that if she predeceases him that I am the one who takes over as his medical POA.
I love my dad, but he never took care of me when I was young. He cheated on my mom from the time they were first married, and I barely remember him being around even though my mom hung on until I was about 5. The thought of me having to take care of him is nauseating.
Stepmom is in worse physical shape than my dad. She has had numerous surgeries and has some serious and chronic conditions. And now my dad has dementia in addition to other physical problems.
She recently told me that my dad's doctor recommended Hospice for him at his last appt. She was so angry at that doctor. She refuses to consider it. Honestly I wish she would let my dad go. She's a very selfish person and she foolishly believes in getting every medical procedure done, no matter what.
Thanks to her, he is lingering in a terribly bad state. She said he's so weak that he sleeps more than half the day. His quality of life sounds terrible, yet this yoyo wants him to continue living so that she won't be alone.
I have a bad feeling about the whole thing. If something happens to her first, I would be the one on the hook. I'm not in good health myself; I've developed some heart problems, and my husband isn't doing well either. I dread getting a call about my dad. My husband says there is no way he will ever agree to leave our lives here to move in with Dad 6 hours away from our own lives, our children, and grandchildren. I have no desire to live over there and take my dad to 3 appts. a week, make him shower, give him multiple meds, and wipe his butt.
If she goes first, is there any way I can get out of becoming his caregiver?
Thank you for reading my post. Hugs to all.
10 Answers
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Fast forward, dad got ill and had hospice in the home. Stepmonster thought all of his children should have rallied around him. It didn't happen. When he died, he didn't have a life insurance policy. Since dad worked as a teacher in the school system, he did have a policy afterall. My brother looked into this since his wife was a elementary school teacher. However, it wasn't enough to cover for a tombstone. Of course stepmonster and her kids got the family home and all of the assets. Biochildren got nothing. Dad moved this woman into the family home after my sister got placed in a group home and I moved out. I started the procedure to have my younger sister's placement three years before because I knew dad wasn't going to let us live in the house in peace.
No, we don't owe parents who abandoned us anything but politeness. That's it.
If Doctor has recommended Hospice, he/she feels that there is no more they can do for Dad. Your SM is in denial. I will bet she was told there was nothing more ER could do for him and recommended Hospice. That means all Life-Sustaining Drugs will be stopped and he will be pain free and anxiety free. But then, Dad married this woman and she wanted him all to herself. She now has her wish.
You are not obligated to her in anyway. Make her aware of this. She was never a mother to you. She was Dad's wife. I will so bet when he dies, if she has no family, she will turn to you. You just tell her, sorry ur on ur own. If anyone calls because she has given them ur info tell them she was Dads wife and you really don't know her. Again, the State can step in. I know, it seems cruel but this is what happens when you are selfish, self-centered people. No one is there for you when needed. You reap what you sew as someone said. Don't get involved in anyway. Use your health as an excuse. You really don't know these people, so really can't tell the people asking anything. So its "Sorry, I have no clue. We had no father/daughter relationship. Wife wanted him all to herself".
My DDs bio Dad died in 2016. He gave up his parental rights when DD was 8 so my now husband could adopt her. He had never been a father to her. Saw her on Fridays for a couple of hours. Once she was adopted, he walked out of her life. Did not even acknowledge her when he saw her. He was found dead from CHF at 69 in his chair drinking a beer and watching TV. He had told a friend when he retired that was what he was going to do. He had a beautiful daughter and 2 grandsons. My DH gets to enjoy that.
The focus of hospice is quality of life, not quantity, so they aren't going to stop giving medications that help with blood pressure or heart issues that add to the quality of life. (Nothing says "quality" like stroking out or having a coronary. 🙄)
I now know for certain that I won't have to pick up the POA and that I can refuse it. It was such a relief to read that. I will use my own health and living out of state as an excuse. I will continually say, "No I can't take over. I'm not well either and it is physically impossible for me to be his caregiver." I will also tell whoever tries to burden me with him that he will be lost without his wife because she was handling all the ADLs for him and that he needs immediate placement. He has the funds to pay for it. That's what I will tell them.
If he becomes a ward of the state, so be it. I will not go over there and take up any responsibilities. I will not answer any calls and I will let everything go to voice mail.
You reap what you sow. I do love my dad, and in some ways he tried to make things better between us once he was in his 70s, but it doesn't make up for the things that happened when I was young. He left my mother for his wife. My husband says that she took that on willingly when she married him and that he is her problem, not mine. Amen to that.
Thank you and God bless you all, and I hope all your burdens soon cease. Yes, I mean that I hope some of those extremely ill, in pain, abusive, mean, and miserable elders will finally pass on. And that you caregivers, who give so much, will finally get some peace and get your lives back.
Our best out to you. Thanks for being so responsive.
You could call APS to check on them . You can also give up POA and your father would become the states problem if his wife dies first.
Hugs and luck to you.
I didn't give all the details of his physical problems in my post because she might actually be a member of this site. I know she parks him in front of the TV in the afternoons and spends a lot of time on the computer so it wouldn't surprise me if she posts here.
Let's just say that he has so many problems that it's overwhelming. He takes so many meds and gets so many treatments for one thing after another. She hauls him all over the place to appts. and then complains about how tired they both are.
I have a family member over there who is an ER RN and she and I communicate sometimes. She has told me that stepmom has my dad in the ER so frequently that he is known as a "frequent flyer" and that stepmom is insistent that "something must be done, he ain't actin' right". She says it is so evident that my dad is "done" but he's not able to make any decisions on his own and stepmom keeps getting him treated for every little thing.
This family member RN says this is actually common. She has told me about patients who are dragged into the ER by EMS in their 90s who are full code. Personally I think that when people reach a certain age that it should be mandatory that no more interventions like resuscitation takes place. It's ridiculous to keep the "old old" living so long and it takes such a toll on a family.
The care situation between your Dad and SM is such because of the very unwise decision to assign a PoA to each other (people that are the same age). No one should do this, and for now obvious reasons. This is a lesson that every one on this forum needs to take away.
You can call the SM to clarify that you're not going to be providing or managing their needs but will be happy to refer them to APS or social services, or research an agency to hire aids. This may not prevent either of them from being angry and calling and haranguing you to help. Just keep saying no. Don't give reasons because then they will negotiate. Simply no.
You're not responsible for their happiness. They are grown adults who made a huge assumption -- and that's on them. No one can be assumed into the caregiving role: this is immoral and unethical. They are adults who had decades to think about and plan for the eventuality of their decline and needs, and didn't bother to even discuss it with you.
You're not doing anything wrong, so please don't feel guilty about saying no. May you receive peace in your heart.
You don’t have to visit father, you don’t have to respond to stepmother at all if you don’t want to. You DON”T have to LOVE your father, nor your stepmother. Why would you? You may feel a birth connection, but you decide what it means to YOU, not to them. They made it clear years ago that it didn’t matter to them. My father was a complete a**hole, but I still went to visit him before he died. My parents separated when I was 5, and it would have been a blessing if he had been out of my life like yours was. I felt that I needed to see him again at the end, but it wasn’t anything he deserved. I certainly didn’t love him, or provide any care at all.
‘Is there any way I can get out of becoming his caregiver?’ No-one can make you be his caregiver. Don’t ever have a conversation where you try to be ‘nice’, meet other people’s expectations of ‘what a daughter should do’, or offer any help at all. If a phone conversation is going in that direction, put the phone down, "sorry I have to go". So stop ‘dreading’ anything, and listen to your husband. Your first responsibility is to your children, second to your husband. Absent father and self-centered step-mother drop out the bottom of the list. I'd suggest that you think about them as little as possible.
Completing your profile would be good! Best wishes, Margaret
You can arrange for him to go to a nursing facility. His assets and income pay for his care. Not you.
They pushed you away.
I suggest that you STAY away.
I would contact them less and less frequently. When your stepmom says it is "time" I would tell her the truth.
I would say:
"Stepmom, with all due respect (which means NONE is due!) I was pushed away by my father when he was well. I have UTTERLY NO INTENTION of stepping forward now that he is NOT WELL. He doesn't know who he is; which is fine because I never knew who he was either".
I have a loving daughter. I am 81. And visit before last when she came she said to me "Do you and N. (My partner) have plans".
How's that for honest?
How's that for blunt?
Because we ALL had a good giggle about it. And so far the plan is for feet first out the door if we can manage it. And if not, into independent, then assisted living. The plan is NOT to put ANYTHING whatsoever onto her. We had a good talk. All about finances, means, intention, possible surprises in store for us, and etc.
THAT IS WHAT A PARENT CHILD relationship is and should be.
Obligation doesn't flow backward. It flows forward. Your parent was obligated to YOU when you were a minor. You are grown. He no longer is obligated to you. And you CERTAINLY are not obligated to him.
Ask your stepmom the question, why don't you. Ask her "Do you two have plans". IE how soon will they be entering care. If not soon, how are their assets for affording good help when and as they need it.
Make it clear YOU ARE NOT HELP.
Sorry, but I never understand these bad parents who expect children to whom they gave very little other than sperm and egg in an accidental meetup, expecting a whole lot.
Much as I don't understand those parents however, I surely don't understand the children who worry so over them.
You say you have been lurking a while (by the way, WELCOME) so you have SEEN the results of that silliness play out. Don't let it do so in your own life.
Now on to the POA. You are in no wise obligated to take on ANY DUTY of POA for ANYONE just because you were named in anything. My advice, don't start. You are not a POA until you AGREE to be a POA.