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My mom is self involved always has been. As a child I was put on the back burner. I stay with people that I should not have. I spent one Christmas with my parents and that was in 1979 I was 22 years old. They had a fruit stand that could not close so it was open 24 /7. At one point my step grandmother lived with us that was from the time I was probably from age 2 until I was 8. My parents left for work before I got up and came home after I was in bed. I truly lacked for nothing physically but everything emotionally. My grandmother had never had children she married my grandfather after his kids were grown and he had passed and she moved in with us. She was not a pleasant woman and very abusive. My father's son also lived with us he was 9 years older than me. He began sexually abusing me I do not remember when I just know it stopped when I was old enough to tell him that I would tell around 11 I think. I have a lot of blank spaces in my life. I asked my mom not too long ago where was I at Christmas when I was little and she told me she didn't know...really? I have been in therapy and it helped so much. My mom moved by me in 1997 my half brother her son died so I moved her to NC. My husband was USMC and we retired in NC. She moved into an apartment 15 minutes from me. Her health was failing then. She has had many surgeries in the past few years, colon cancer, abdominal aortic anuresym, pacemaker, stents, to name a few. I have nursed her through them all. For the past 15 years I had seen to her every need emotionally, physically spent every lunch with her for 15 years. It has not been easy she started to become delusional about 10 years ago. She stayed in the apartment a lot longer than she should have because I knew that is what she wanted. She fell on New Years Eve and stayed on the floor all night with the telephone and life alert right beside her never pushed either. She was leaking lymphic fluid out of her legs. I called the ambulance they took her to the hospital and the doctors and me both agreed that she could no longer live alone. I told her she agreed and she was placed. I tried to make the move as easy as possible. I gave away most of her stuff which was smoked filled and old. We live on the coast and it was given to three families that lost everything during the last hurricane and they were thrilled to have it. I fixed her room up at the NH nice brought her a new quilt flowers, she has a bird feeder outside her room. She does not have a roommate and she has a private bath one of the very few rooms that has that, I cannot afford a private room for her.She has had a couple of roommates one lasted a day the other died within a week. She was placed under hospice care about 2 months ago. As I wrote in my last post "Hurt, Burnt out" I have stay away from the NH since Monday. She still want to get out, she is very angry with me I believe she has written me off just like she has everyone else. The child in me wants her to miss me the adult knows she won't. Of course, she cannot get herself out and she will die there and it is a good possibility without me at her side if this continues. Until I feel that I can visit her without her being mad and talking ugly to me I will not go. What could I say to change her mind. She is self involved always has been always will be. it is a sad situation for her and I finally am getting to the point to stop wishing for a change that will never come. I have 2 grown children and 4 grandchildren all raised by normal parents who love and support them. That started when I broke the chain of dysfunction for me and mine. Being military and getting away from it helped so much plus my husband was raised by Ossie and Harriett and had a pattern that I did not have. Thank God for him. I do not know how this story will end and I work very hard to not be the injured child but she still lurks in there, she still wants approval, she still wants her mom. Now how about all that ?? Probably TMI but for me it is cleansing. Thanks for listening ;-)

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I'm so sorry for how you are treated.
When and if you visit her, try to bring someone with you! She will be nice in front of an audience, won't she? Then you can see the "company manners" side of her for a change. If you don't have a friend or relative, ask hospice to get a volunteer to go with you. The volunteer will be real sweet to her, and some of it might rub off on her!

Whatever you decide, remember to protect yourself, as everyone else says.
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2tsnana, my husband is going thought his with his father at this time. Father's Day last week was horrible with him yelling, "get those damn father's day cards out of here." It is difficult to seperate what society tells us to do and what actually is the truth. We are brought up to love our parents at any cost. Doesn't matter if you were emotionally, physically or mentally neglected or abused -- they are your parents. Worship them, admire them.
Then there is the reality. Some parents are biological sperm and egg donors and the child, (in my husband's case) is raised by television, the school system and peers. The parents (ususally around middle age when the child has moved out) the proceed to go their own way giving little thought to the adult they raised and often to the grandchildren until one day something happends. They need the child. It then becomes a whilrwind of excuses, "I need you but you never come around," "why don't I see you," "you don't know how I was raised," "I got married young." The list of excuses goes on. But one thing that doesn't happen EVER is personal accountability. They will never be the one at fault. It is always THEIR parent who didn't raise them right, THEIR spouse that was abusive, etc. At this point in time, the adult child -- hungry for any attention and emotional reassurance runs to the parent with the hope of a "thank you" or "I love you" only to be disappointed again and again.
These types of people in my opinion without the Grace of God and a total repentance cannot be cured. It is a type of sickness that I think affects the mind, body and spirit. My husband and I have likened it to a toxic substance in your home. If you saw mold growing on your ceiling at your house, would you just shrug it off and say, "eh, it will all go away and get better?" Once you started having watery eyes, congestion and a cough, would it then become more serious? Of course. It is the same with people in our lives. Be it a parent, sibling, child or extended family. People who are brought up as victims and still have a victim mentality because they have been brow-beaten for so long accept the abuse as normal but as soon as someone (ususally an outsider) says, "hey --why do you put up with that?" sometimes their eyes are opened. People can be toxic to your health (mental or physical) just like that mold.
We are in the process of clearing the toxins from our family. It is unhealthy. Do I think people will talk and say, "hey you should teach your young child to worship their elders and take your FIL in and sacrifice everything for this man." Sure, people will say that. And my response? "Yes, hopefully I am not raising my child to be another one of this man's victims."
You need to worry more about the injured child in you than her. Yep, I said it. You have children, grandchildren and they will pick up on that. Live to heal yourself first and then live for those precious kids and grandkids -- who you appreciate. Don't live for her anymore. Trust me, those kind always land on their feet with or without you.
Hugs to you. You sound very much like how I used to be and what my husband is going through now. I know it is a hellish nightmare to go through. Please know there are others out there who 100% know what you are going through and wish you only the very best.
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I will go back just not sure when..i know the everyday thing will not happen again. I thought i had a grip on the injured child in me, but she will always be there. Since there is no one that visits it is just me and i do want to make sure she is being properly cared for. I have been in contact with someone about her everyday whether it was a social worker or nurse. She is fine no chest pain, still mad....thank you for your response
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I'd say just visit for very brief, focused times - have an excuse or an errand to visit her "for" like refilling a candy dish or some simple chore. I was my Mom's laundry lady (opted to do it myself instead of the facility mainly just to have that for an excuse/activity to do for her), sugar-free candy dish refiller, and bringer of cards or little gifts, plus when they had an activity that she found nonthreatening enough (a music or veteran's day program or speical meal) I'd be able to join in. I'd get yelled at for not doing the laundry fast enough and told how tired I looked and all that, but it was OK, and then when other family members could some too I could be "busy" and spend more time also. My mom was not good with roomates either. I had started out visiting every day and wanting to stay for hours and that was just not going to work. They advised me to visit less often and she started to treat me quite a bit better, I guess she really did want me around after all, just had a funny way of showing it. I would not have felt OK about not being involved and in there enough to make sure she was getting good care. So even if you drop in a couple times a week for 10-15 minutes its probably better than just permanently staying away. Keep it short and sweet...while Mom was not too ill, we even got her out to eat with us a few times after we were able to wheelchair-adapt a vehicle for her and that would usually go really well.

Of course your situation is going to be the same in some ways and different in others, and it really is hard to get hated on and be the focus of criticism and anger. You know, before being on here and going through what I did, I had no idea WHY so many people in nursing homes don't have visitors, and now I sure do!! It took me the longest time to just accept who my mom was and stop trying to make her healthier emotionally than she was ever going to be...I had pretty well given up on getting any kind of unconditional love from her as a very young adult, she just did not have it to give, always too busy judging whether I was measuring up to all the standards she had in her head, and what kind of a mother that indicated she was. But, she was my mom and I hung in as best I could, and did get to be with her when she passed on. I think that meant something to both of us.
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2tsnana: before your mother dies I hope you can forgive her for NOT being the mother that you turned out to be. She didn't have it in her. Some women just should never have been mothers in the first place. They should've given their kids up for adoption to a wonderful family like your husband grew up in. She gave you life when she could've have had an abortion, so you'll have to be satisfied with that I'm afraid. You broke the cycle of bad mothering, in that you're awesome.
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2tsnana - I want you to know that I admire you so much for breaking the pattern! It takes a lot of strength and willpower to do that. And it's totally understanding that your injured child still lurks in there and wants your mom's approval. I married a man similar to your background, only he wanted his dad's approval - and never got it. He, like you, decided a long time ago that he was not going to be like his dad. But no matter what my husband did, his dad was still a hateful dispicable man and it still wasn't "good enough". It still haunts my husband every once in a while that he never got his dad's approval, but he finally accepted that his dad was a very sick man mentally. But I think it's still good to talk about it - as I think it has helped him heal from it - if even just a little. So cleanse, vent, whatever you want to do all you want if it is helping you. It's good for the soul. Do what's good for you. And try (I know it's hard) to not let your mom's sickness bother you. And good for you for staying away if she's ugly. That's what we did too. It's ugly enough on it's own - no reason to be verbally abused too. Good luck!! ((HUGS))
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You have served your Mom well... and have demonstrated love and forgiveness towards her.. let her get settled into the NH..perhaps she will choose to continue to be toxic and self-centered...perhaps your boundary setting will teach her to be more kind and introspective. Perhaps not. Either way, you are caring for yourself, while assured that your mom is getting the care that she needs.

You seem to have created a beautiful life for yourself, despite your traumatic childhood. What a gift.
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