How will I ever stop crying watching my mom suffer?

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I really, really need help. I will not survive much longer. I can't go into mom's room without crying. I had to go to the store for bread and milk this morning and I kept seeing "mom's favorites". My mom is 99 and I had to put her in a nursing home after another stroke. I can't imagine me ever getting through with a funeral. I am the reason she is in a nursing home, and probably why she had another stoke. I know she will never get to come home and that is more than I can bear already. I cried at the store. lI cry at home. I am always cryng unless I am asleep. I go see mom every other day and she knows who I am. She never can remember that I have been there though. Sometimes I have to leave early because I know I won't be able to hold the tears back. My house is a wreck because mom went through her sorting stage here and I gave up trying to keep anything where it needed to be. Now I need to straighten everything out and I just can't. Partiallly beacuse I dont't know how and where to start. I seem to have no motivation even though I know it has got to be done. I still don't know anyone in this town so I have no one to talk to. Mom is my relative. I don't know what to put in "contact in case of emergency" now From my room, through the kitchen and all the rest of the house is filled with her stuff. She never threw anything away. Now I can't. I am having muscle spasms because I am a nervous wreck. The anxiety as it is called these days is killing me. I don't know what to do. There are no counselors in this town. It is too small. There is a shrink, but I can't pay, and anyway, I really don't have any idea of what I would say. Men don't understand it seems. They say "you need to straighten yourself up". How? If I didn't have a cat to feed and take care of I doubt that I would still be here. Noone comes by here and no one calls. What do I do now? I have no concentration to read or try to make something or anything. I am just completely lost. I am scared and all alone. I read this site and sometimes it helps, but not usually. Someone out there please tell me what to do, Please

Answers 1 to 10 of 10
Top Answer
Beatup - YOU HAVE TO GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR IMMEDIATELY!!! If you don't have a doctor of your own, call the nearest hospital and ask for a referral. You need to find someone to help you sort through this, someone who can help you, someone that can help you deal with your depression, someone that can help you through your grieving process. Please let me know you have done this. We have all been at this stage at one time or another and many are still in this stage. Antidepressants may help but you also need someone to talk to. We are all here for each other so don't feel alone. Hugs, Linda
Your are blaming your self for something you have no control over. All of us feel alone when it comes to our aging parents. We can not stop or prevent the changes that come with aging and it makes you feel helpless, but you must understand that you cannot prevent or change what is happening, but you must locate a doctor or a priest, pastor, anybody who will listen to you and and offer you emotional help to get thru this time in your life. YOU CANNOT WAIT ANY LONGER GO TO THE NEAREST CHURCH help is FREE there
Beatup, I don't know how you think you'd have any control over your moms body and cause her to have a stroke, trust me gotta let that one go. Sounds like you did the right thing putting her in a nursing home to me. I didn't say it was the EASIEST thing, just the right thing. If it were me and I was feeling as overwhelmed as you, I'd just stick all moms stuff in the garage or a storage place and ignore it till I didn't feel overwhelmed as much. If that means waiting a year after she died, then so be it. You much have a church in your little town, maybe it's time to reach out to someone there for help. What you need is someone to come along side you and help you through this difficult time, I can't think of a better place to start than a church. What about your relatives? If you have any I'd also reach out to them too. Start walking around the nursing home and look for another woman visiting her family member. Maybe you'll find someone going thru the same thing as you to talk to. Sorry about your mom.
You really, really need help. You will survive -- it is amazing how resiliant the human spirit is -- but right now you are in severe pain.

Please expand your search for help beyond the small town you live in. What else is in your county? Where is the nearest city? A place to start collecting information is the NH. You've gone there so regularly you probably know some of staff and can identify the ones that seem especially kind and helpful. Explain that it is very difficult for you to visit your mom, that you cry a lot, and that you'd like some help. What do they suggest for counselling? If you would prefer talking to a woman, then that is what you should be looking for.

It looks like you have had your mother more than 60 years. That is wonderful! So many parents die in their 80s or even 70s. That your mother has had such a long life is a gift to you. I hope you can get help dealing with this grief, so you can celebrate what a wonderful relation you have had. It is painful to lose a loved one, and even if she lives to be 100 you will grieve over her death. You need to take care of yourself and enjoy whatever time you have left with Mother. It is another gift that she still recognizes you.

Also ask the NH about hospice. Even if your mother is not ready for their services yet, they have a lot of experience helping family members deal with issues of loss and impending loss. Getting in touch with them may be a resource for you, or they may have a recommendation of someone you can see.

Another resource is United Way or other charitable organizations in the county. They have lists of appropriate places that offer all kinds of services, and they can direct you to help.

What about the friends you left behind? Are you in touch with anyone by phone or email or letters? Is there anyone you could contact at this point?

It is good that you recognize that you need help. There is help available. You may need to be a little more creative in finding it than you would in a big city, but it is there.

I wish you the strength to search out the help you need and deserve.

Beatup, you are experiencing a deep depression and anxiety and need to get medical help. If you don't have the money to see a doctor then find the nearest "county hospital" to you and go there and tell them you are having a breakdown and need to see a doctor. My understanding is that a "county hospital" cannot turn you away if you can't pay. Once you do this they should also be able to direct you to a counselor for further help. sometimes you can get help if you don't have the money if you go through a social worker. And in the meantime I would suggest that you google your zip code and help hotlines available to you and find one that is appropriate for you so you can get immediate feedback and perhaps some direction to where you can get help in your area. Of course post here to if this helps. Please keep us posted so we know that you are okay. Just one more thought ... no matter what you think you might have done or have done you are no less valuable than anyone else and deserve to have a life. Your life matters.
In addition to all of the wonderful advice here, I would URGE you to go get on a super theraputic dose of B vitamins, and also get your vitamin D levels checked. I am 100% opposed to drugs unless it's a life-threatening situation. The body is very often deficient in vitamins, but I've never heard of a case where it was deficient in a drug. YES, you should get help. YES, you absolutely matter. And no doubt the stress and trauma you have gone through and are going through is affecting you on every level. You've got to take care of you before you can continue to deal with the outside issues at hand. Magnesium is a wonderful thing to help you relax at night. A good health food/supplement store can point you to some great things to help you cope. If you can go see a doctor who won't immediately reach for chemicals, but get to the bottom of the problem, that would be very beneficial for you. You are blaming yourself, for whatever reason, and you're hurting yourself deeply. You get to have tomorrow, but you don't get to have yesterday. You can make tomorrow better, if you so choose. That you still love, care for, and visit your mother puts you way WAY ahead of a lot of people in the world. Eat well. Sleep well. Take your vitamins. Take a deep breath. And a huge YES to calling a hotline and getting help, locally, RIGHT NOW. All the best to you - and as others have said - YOU are valuable.
beatup... I always say to others "care for yourself", because if you are not in good shape how can you care for anyone or about anything else. Be proud of careing for your Mom and that she is 99... that's a long life. Something kept her going this long. Putting yourself down is not healthy. You need be happy about what you accomplished. I am reading here all the time about how some heartless children treat thier parents, posts from frustated siblings who really care and want to vent. Actually it is quite refreshing to read about a child who cares so much that you want to give up on your own life, because your Mom is suffering. I am not saying I am getting joy from your pain, I just want you to see what a good person you are. My Mom was a hoarder and what a mess, that's putting it delicately, I am still going thru her things over 2 years now. I have minimized and minimized etc. but the things I know aren't expensive but ment something to her, I bring to her as a gift now. Everything seems to dissapear from the NH, anyway and I know she likes the stuff because she bought them in the first place. You'll be suprized at the reaction you may see. Go to the home when they have music or activities. I have seen people react or get a satisfaction or stimulation from the activities. Stay away from anyone who is what I call "Energy Suckers" you need to boost your self up and look at what you are thankful for.
Hint for going thru stuff... Garbage is just that, get rid of that stuff first. Than give stuff that's useful away, to someone else who may need it. Be careful of Money hidden in things. One bag at a time if it's all you can handle. Don't pressure yourself, you are only human. If your Mom's health and safety are in check & her basic comfort is good, that is all a blessing!!! Wishing you and your Mom well.
One thing that can be hard is the unconscious belief that things always progress toward a "better state" and that we know what "better" looks like. So when reality bumps up against that belief, the gap get really painful, in that space between what is True Now and What I Wish Were True or What Is Supposed To Be True. Start where you are now: what is true is your Mom is safe and cared for. What is true is that you have no control over keeping her alive, and you exercised the control you DID have, which was to get her someplace safe. What's true is you visit your Mom in a place where there is a social worker, who has experience helping people like your Mom, and people like you. Ask for the help. What's true is, you got the help for your Mom, and you can get the help for you. Don't try to eat the pie in one bite...just keep one foot in front of the other. Let someone help you.
Pregrieving is sometimes worse than the grieving process itself!!!

I agree with everything everyone wrote on here from priest/clergy in church, to resources from the NH, to friends and family and vitamins and healthy eating and exercise (if only a walk) to getting a psyc eval for depression (associated with pregrieving).

I too went through that when my Dad was still here. I lived with him and my mom, now just my mom, and cried night after night knowing he was suffering. I cried after his death last September but quiet honestly sobbed worse when he was alive.
Mom experienced some health issues last week, the sobbing started again, I got her into urgent care. The problem? Constipation!!! ha ha, that almost made me laugh. I was sobbing over crap? (Come on, you can laugh at me, I will be ok with that!!! ~ Humor is good!!!)
Mom also has hypothyroidism which contributed to the problem. I overreacted because her tummy hurt, she was doubled over numerous times of the day and clutching her stomach...that's what my Dad did when he was having his heart attack. I associated the two ~ that's when I took her to urgent care ~ now she is getting care for her thyroid ... trust me, the constipation problem was solved with a few doses of milk of magnesia ... yep!
Others people's healths we do not control unless we are managing and monitoring their meds and not giving them to the person or not making food available to them which no one on this site would do. You have done everything you can as a human being to make sure your mom has quality of life. Now YOU have that quality as well.

Peg
I know what you are going through. When you love someone as much as you do. I too along with my brother have that kind of bond with our mother, I have cried so many times thinking about her. I look at her and I cry, There is something about a connection to someone who you have needed a lot in your life. I can't explain it but the saddness and guilt is so great. We do know that what we did or have done was never out of cruel intent to harm the ones we love so much. It would be a good idea to reach out even call your closest hospital and see if there is someone who can guide you to help. Also you are doing a good thing by getting your mother help that is what you should do for her.

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