This topic is something that my family is currently experiencing. My husband’s mom (fairly new in A. L. Facility with vascular dementia) asks him on most visits “Can someone tell me why I’m in here?” My husband tells his Mom the truth about her situation, that this beautiful facility is her new home because she needs more medical care than the the family members are able to give. He gentle reminds her that she had a full time care giver in her home with her and that she hated and despised that arrangement. The live in professional was skilled and amazing. Mom herself, toured several A.L. facilities and she liked the current one the very best and was excited to move in. He explained that it’s not safe for her to live alone and the family wants her to be safe and cared for 24/7. However, due to the dementia, it seems like this constant re-explaining is of no effect. The SIL’s on the other hand, are in a full blown rage because he spoke the truth. Apparently they’ve been telling Mom that she only has a 1 yr. “lease” at the A.L. Facility and that they will discuss it at the end of the year. This of course has caused HUGE resentments. Mom called her daughters after talking to her son and said “So I’m going to stay here until I die??” Now, on the days when she’s not asking why she in there, she thinks she’s on a cruise ship and she’s perfectly happy. We don’t mess with her cruise days. She really needs to be in memory care, but the daughters are trying to save money and give her the illusion of some independence. I guess I can appreciate that angle too. It would be great (in a perfect world) if the siblings would be in agreement on the same page, but that’s never going to happen because of family dynamics.
I don't believe in lying to our seniors. You may get a very negative reaction, anger or grief. Is this loss of his not worth his grieving? Is it not worth you ALL grieving together? It is to tell the truth, tell why (I am not capable of caring for you by myself) and to reassure that you will visit him often and will never abandon him. I am so sorry for this grief, but grief it is. As a nurse I believe we NEVER lie to the ones we care for. They are being betrayed by their bodies, by their minds; I would not add to that. They deserve the dignity of the truth. And they deserve to react to it.
I think your approach is fine. Ann has some very good advice. When I was looking for an MC facility for my wife and she would ask “why are we doing this?', I emphasized how nice each one was, the benefits each offered and that maybe we'll sell the condo and move into one of these. I think it is good that you are taking him with you to visit these places.
As smooth as you hope the transition will be, prepare yourself for some backlash from him. It's impossible to predict how he will respond to his new home. Some seem to accept their relocation quite well. Others may revolt. My wife reacted so violently that she had to spend 12 days in a psychiatric hospital. Her remaining 15 months were very pleasant both for her and the staff. Wishing you the best in this difficult situation.
Is there any pressing reason that you have to tell him something different from what you’re telling him now?
If it’s the kindest way for him to adjust to the idea of being in a new place, why should you have to tell him that his move is permanent, or for that matter, isn’t permanent.
When we love someone dearly, we resist allowing them to ease into something without sometimes trying TOO HARD to prepare them, reassure them, settle them, while forgetting that our LOs may not have the thinking skills to USE what we try to give them.
My LO went through some tough times when she entered MC, because a family member told her, when she asked to be taken home, that her house had been sold and she’d never be returning there.
It took a LONG time before she soothed herself with the idea that she was visiting at a hotel. She thought it was quite nice there and that was HER BELIEF, so she was comfortable with it. I had NO REASON to try to convince her otherwise.
You can comment that you’ll see him soon, the caregivers there will help him, “the” room is his to arrange as he wishes. Make your visits brief, at different times during the day, and skip a day or two so that he learns to rely on others for his care.
It’s hard to let go, just as it is for him. You know that you’ve made a loving but very difficult choice. Be at peace with what you’ve done.
An, thanks for your kind response to this question. I'm not there yet, but the time is coming that he husband will be going to memory care. I find your advice very helpful and compassionate. Hugs
The SIL’s on the other hand, are in a full blown rage because he spoke the truth. Apparently they’ve been telling Mom that she only has a 1 yr. “lease” at the A.L. Facility and that they will discuss it at the end of the year. This of course has caused HUGE resentments. Mom called her daughters after talking to her son and said “So I’m going to stay here until I die??”
Now, on the days when she’s not asking why she in there, she thinks she’s on a cruise ship and she’s perfectly happy. We don’t mess with her cruise days. She really needs to be in memory care, but the daughters are trying to save money and give her the illusion of some independence. I guess I can appreciate that angle too.
It would be great (in a perfect world) if the siblings would be in agreement on the same page, but that’s never going to happen because of family dynamics.
They never will, but don't mention that part.
As smooth as you hope the transition will be, prepare yourself for some backlash from him. It's impossible to predict how he will respond to his new home. Some seem to accept their relocation quite well. Others may revolt. My wife reacted so violently that she had to spend 12 days in a psychiatric hospital. Her remaining 15 months were very pleasant both for her and the staff. Wishing you the best in this difficult situation.
If it’s the kindest way for him to adjust to the idea of being in a new place, why should you have to tell him that his move is permanent, or for that matter, isn’t permanent.
When we love someone dearly, we resist allowing them to ease into something without sometimes trying TOO HARD to prepare them, reassure them, settle them, while forgetting that our LOs may not have the thinking skills to USE what we try to give them.
My LO went through some tough times when she entered MC, because a family member told her, when she asked to be taken home, that her house had been sold and she’d never be returning there.
It took a LONG time before she soothed herself with the idea that she was visiting at a hotel. She thought it was quite nice there and that was HER BELIEF, so she was comfortable with it. I had NO REASON to try to convince her otherwise.
You can comment that you’ll see him soon, the caregivers there will help him, “the” room is his to arrange as he wishes. Make your visits brief, at different times during the day, and skip a day or two so that he learns to rely on others for his care.
It’s hard to let go, just as it is for him. You know that you’ve made a loving but very difficult choice. Be at peace with what you’ve done.