Hey. Im 25 years old and my mom had a stroke in may 2019 and shes 45 years old. I gave up my job which I had just bacame manager at and my life to help take care of her. I’ve been taking care of her by myself since then. We have no family members out here to help. My brother works and is still living his life and helps not much. Everything is on me and lately ive had too many melt downs to count. I recently stated how i felt and i feel as though she needs a nurse. She had a major stroke on her left side but shes doing wonderful but wont take the steps to put the work in to learn how walk correctly or use her arm and hand correctly. When I try to get her to do her exercises she says no she doesn't feel like it or it hurts which I dont think niether one are good excuses. I dont know what else to do. After I told her I can't do this any more she needs a nurse she says she understands but then pleads for me to stay to see her through. I feel so bad but i feel as though I'm missing out on my life. I feel like if shes not gonna help me help herself why am I here? And she doesnt let me sleep her way of letting us know she needs something is calling on the phone ... she calls at least 10 times a night! I don't get no sleep not even a nap !

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My mom did her exercises in her 90’s! PT definitely helps but your mom has to participate!

My mom has severe mobility issues due to a progressive neurological disease, Parkinson’s, and she worked extremely hard with the physical therapist.

It’s up to your mom to want to improve.

I had a horrible accident when I was in my 40’s.

I had extensive surgery. I was paralyzed.

I went to PT and they forced movement until I could do it on my own. The pain was agonizing.

I had intensive, aggressive physical therapy where I cried in pain three hours at a time for three times a week for months. I got through it.

I have some permanent damage but I gained most of my range of motion back.

PT works if a person works with the therapist.

It’s hard. It’s exhausting. It’s painful but it’s worth it!

You can’t make her do her exercises. If she doesn’t do them, she is harming herself and driving you crazy!

She is being quite manipulative. Stop allowing her to control you.
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I'm twice your age and when my mom wouldn't do her exercises after her hospitalization a couple of years ago, (she would always want to see "how the day is going and then I'll decide), I took her to the doctor, they saw she was not getting better at home, re-hospitalized her and put her in rehab therapy. As long as she didn't do her exercises, I would be there to stay with her... They held her accountable for getting well and regaining strength where we as family members can be pushed-over for the sake of less verbal abuse, etc.

I have to agree with NeedHelp, you are not in a capacity to give your mom the help she needs, and that you want her to have. I would definitely find a way to get your mom professional medical care, because with no sleep and taking on all of this it won't be good for either of you.

Good luck.
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Please speak to your mom soon. This isn’t working for either of you.

She needs more help than you can give. You need your life back.

Helping out for awhile is understandable, if you are able to.

You gave up your livelihood! That’s everything!!!

You need to go back to work and live YOUR life.

She’s your mom. You care. I get it, but this is beyond caring. This is destructive for each of you.

People will treat you according to how you treat yourself. Show your mom that you are responsible for yourself. She will have to accept it.

Don’t get stuck being a full time caregiver. Trust me, I was a full time caregiver for 15 years and I can never get those years back! Don’t repeat my mistakes.

You are 25! I have a daughter your age in a few months. I wouldn’t dream of asking her to take care of me.

You are not a victim! You are a smart, dependable, strong and a healthy young woman that worked hard to get a management position.

Lazy and foolish people do not get promoted at work.

You worked hard to earn that position.

Can you speak to your old boss to see if you can resume your position at work? This is your future.

I urge you to make other arrangements for your mom.

Contact the veterans program for assistance.

Check into disability for her also.

Call anyone that can help.

Is she eligible for meals on wheels?

OT and PT?

Contact a social worker.

Contact a church. Many churches have ‘ministries’ that church members cook for families in need.

I have done that before. The church calls a member of the congregation, they tell them if they have dietary restrictions, the number of people to cook for, etc.

I cooked for a man that was in a severe automobile accident and needed assistance for a time.

Reach out to the community. Good luck to you!
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Her pleas are manipulating you, and more important, NOT HELPING HER GET WELL.

You are still her baby/child and especially in her presently subpar condition, she (in her own mind) can give you orders and expect to be obeyed.

Much MUCH KINDER and more effective to get that nurse in there AS SOON AS POSSIBLE, and get her therapy into high gear. Better for her morale, and definitely better for yours, because GUESS WHAT? YOU DESERVE A LIFE OF YOUR OWN, RIGHT NOW.

A stroke at any time of life is awful, and she is a YOUNG WOMAN. Attempting to become overly reliant on your kindness is keeping her from moving forward to reclaim what is rightfully hers.

Make the arrangements for the nurse (or other trained support assistant), then back out and leave her as much of the day as you can.

As she increases her ability to manage for larger periods of time, structure her night time environment with whatever she needs during the night, and tell her to sleep well and you’ll see her IN THE MORNING.

Heap praise on her as she meets therapy goals. With you unavailable as her crutch, she will hopefully surprise herself with all that she’s able to do.
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Ok it been a year and half and Mom is not improving, her fault. I would contact her PCP and see if she can get in home therapy. They sometimes will do for a therapist what they won't do for you. Tell the therapist that you need Mom evaluated to wgat she can and can't do. Does Mom receive Social Security Disability? If so Medicare will pay for the therapy. If not check with her health insurance to see if they pay.

Usually two therapists are sent out a Physical Therapist (PT) and an occupational therapist (OT). The OT will retrain Mom on her ADLs. An OT can also evaluate the house to see what improvements can be made to make Moms life easier. You may get an aide who will help her with a bath. If you need to run errands or give urself some time out the aide maybe able to stay for a certain number of hours.

Is Mom on Social Security Disability? Is she on Medicaid for health insurance? Depending on her income and assets, she may qualify for in home care. That would give her an aide a few hours a day.

Its time to set boundries. I would think that at 45 Mom would bounce back from a stroke easier that someone years older. My niece did but she also had out patient therapy for a while. Our local one has a pool. By doing things for Mom that she may be able to do for herself, you are disabling her. Her brain can be taught to compensate for her weaknesses. It will be hard but she needs to realize that you cannot be her caregiver for the next 40 years. You need to get back to work to insure your future benefits with SS and just be able to care for yourself. If u want it, you r entitled to a husband and children.

I think Mom, after this long, should be evaluated by a neurologist. And when u take her, make a list of things she does/doesn't do. Hand them to the receptionist and ask that the Dr. look at the list before he sees Mom. Helps him ask the right questions.

When you get the physical and the mental evals then you will better be able to deal with Moms problems and go from there. But you can set boundries now. And if you find after these evals that Mom is capable of a lot more than she does, I am not beyond a little threat. " Mom, I cannot care for you indefinitely, if you don't do for yourself, you may need to go to a NH and I don't want to see that happen."
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I'm not sure your mom really needs a nurse at this point(not sure what a nurse can do for her)as it sounds more like she needs a physical and occupational therapist to come to the house, or she goes to their facility for therapy, to learn how to do things on her own, as she is very young, and because of that, should regain some of what she has lost. And perhaps you need more of a CNA to assist her with things like toileting, and bathing. Also, you may have to turn your phone off at night, as there should be no reason for her to be calling you 10 times. If she has to use the bathroom(and that's why she's calling you)you may have to have her wear Depends, so you can get some rest. She may also need to be on an antidepressant, as depression is very common in someone after having a stroke. That might help to give her more motivation to do things on her own.

My husband had a massive stroke at the age of 48, which left him unable to walk, talk, read and write. He had extensive therapy(physical, occupational and speech)for many, many months after, which once he was released from rehab, I had to take him to. He eventually leaned how to walk again(although be it rather slowly) with a brace on his right leg, and a cane, learned how to dress himself and do other things with his left hand, as his right remained completely paralyzed, and regained enough of his speech where he could say a few words and short sentences.

You are WAY too young to be taking on this responsibility with your mom. You are entitled to be living your life and enjoying it, the way you see fit. So get some therapy setup for her, hire an aide(with her money) if necessary, and go start living your life. Best wishes.
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Will you give up your own life for your Mom? Because essentially that is what you are doing, and your Mother has likely at least four more decades of life left. That will put you at age 65 with never having had a family, a life, a home of your own. This is your one chance.
Will you feel terrible grief in having been forced to make this decision? Yes. You will. It is worth mourning over. But you must go on with life as there is no other choice other than to sacrifice yourself upon the altar of your Mother's tragic illness. Be kind to her, but be firm. Tell her you are sorry, but you cannot give up your own life and your own plans.
This is a choice you must make now. For your life ongoing. No one can make it for you. Please consider getting counseling with a good Social Worker trained in life passages work.
I would give up trying to change your Mother's reaction to her illness. THAT is likely only to get worse, and adds a layer of frustration that is preventing your seeing the forest for the trees.
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What does your mom need that she is calling on the phone ten times a night? That is not normal behavior, and I'm wondering if there could be some vascular dementia going on? Are you able to talk to her doctor?

Does your brother live with you also?

I'm so sorry you are going through this, but you really need to get out of this caregiving role. Your mom could live many more decades like this, and you deserve your own life, with your own job, relationships, etc.

Can you be more specific about what you have to do for your mom, that way you can get more specific advice. Also what is your mom's financial state? Have you been paid for any of this work?
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RanikaWilliams9 Dec 2020
When she calls at night its to turn her on her side which she knows how to do she choses not to because it hurts.
I have to pull and tug on her every morning to get her up because she cant or wont sit herself up, i help get her in the shower and some times helps her wash, i dress her, i take her to all appointments, i cook 2-3 times a day. I do literally everything. And no i do not get paid for this her doctor denied it.
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I am sorry the stroke & the fallout has happened to your Mother & you both at such young ages.

Basically if you need help to care for Mom, get it. Just arrange it. It's about what she *needs* not all about what she *wants*. This is a huge adjustment but you are young so may learn faster that I did!

Tell Mom the Nurse (aide etc) is there to help YOU. (That's what the Doctor told me to say). She will get used to it.

Your Mom needs help but does not have the right to insist it is all done by you. This happens a lot. Trusting you, being comfortable with you, embarrestment etc is part of it. Denial can also be a part. Stroke is more than the arm & leg disability. It is primarily a brain injury. So the brain injury can mean she has lost the ability to reason that she needs to change her life & that you need to have your own life too.

The lack motivation for rehab exercises is very common. Professionals like PT, OT & Nurses can often push & get some response to exercise when family can't. Gather a team of them as funds/access allow.
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She definitely needs a nurse. Maybe she is in denial how much help she needs, and prefers family over a stranger to help. While you love her, you need your life. Maybe let her know that you aren't leaving, you just need help. You are still here for her, but can use some assistance, so it's not all on you.
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