I agree, if the person is able to understand what death means, a Doctor should be telling them. Iypt should not be up to family. And someone with Dementia, again if they can understand what it means.
My Mom was in her last stage. Getting around in a wheelchair. One day she started humming and each day she got louder so she was medicated. Then they were having trouble getting her out of bed, I said just leave her. Then she could no longer swallow so Hospice was brought in. Six days later she passed. I never told her she was dying. Not sure I ever would have. My Dad knew he was a week before he passed.
With my friend, age 70, who was being treated for an aggressive form of cancer and no longer responding to treatment, her doctor came into the room with her and her husband. The doctor said, "We can't do this anymore." Friend and husband agreed to hospice, and friend died two weeks later.
With dad, age 92, his oncologist visited him in the hospital at 7:00 a.m. Doctor told him while they were alone that treatment wasn't working and asked if he wanted to consider hospice. Dad said he wanted hospice, and doctor called me around 8:00. He asked if I wanted to be present when dad signed the papers. I was at the hospital at 10:00 and dad signed himself into hospice. There was no need for me to have an uncomfortable conversation with dad. (Rude Aunt was furious because she hadn't been consulted, and she told many people that I forced him into hospice because he never would have done it on his own.)
With mom, age 90 and losing her mind, she never was told she had dementia. She declined to the point where she wouldn't have understood if we told her she was dying, although she most certainly knew it. She kept yelling, "I want to die." She was in and out of hospice care for 2.5 years and finally died at age 95.
There are all different ways, but to me the best policy is let doctors tell them. Only have the conversation if they ask about it, then keep it brief so that, if they still have the mentation to understand, they can mull it over privately.
I would love to answer this one but I would need more information about your loved one. You tell us only this in your profile: "Caring for mom and dad. Dad at home and mom was in AL for over 3 years but fell in bathroom (she refuses to push her alert button for assistance) and broke her femur. I live out of state but travel to their state every chance I can."
I agree with cwillie who says that we, in general, all know that death is out there lurking somewhere. But it seems you must have some info now that death is imminent? Some people are fascinated by the subject and love discussing it (that's me) and some don't want to hear the word until they are gone for 6 months. We are all different.
1. You know your loved one better than we do. You know whether he/she would want details, doctor's best guesses. 2. You likely know who this information is best to come from. Doctor? You? Hubby? Wife? 3. You know your loved one's mental capacity to understand, what their wishes might be, what business they may need to attend to before death, and whether they wish to die in Hospice at home, or fighting to the last moment.
If you can give us a bit more information it would help. Who is this loved one? What is the diagnosis? What previous discussions of end of life care has there been, if any?
Is it your Mom? Your profile says she has dementia. Dementia robs people of their ability to use reason and logic, and often is accompanied by memory issues. If your Mom is in the early stages you can have this conversation with her, but I wouldn't keep revisiting it if she's not able to understand or retain what you tell her.
One of the goals in caregiving is to keep the LO calm and peaceful because they are no longer able to achieve that state of mind on their own anymore. If your LO is having anxiety, then meds to help them would be merciful. I wish you peace in your heart on this journey.
Depending on their mental state, I'd be gentle but direct. "You're winding down, Mom," or "You're dying, and we're going to keep you comfortable, okay?" or "You're almost at the end, Dad. Is there anything you want to talk about?"
A lot depends on their belief in the afterlife. "You'll be with Dad soon," or "Going home to heaven" are other ways. "The next great adventure" was how one of my client's spouse phrased it.
Everyone over middle age has the knowledge that death is lurking just around the corner without needing someone to point it out, if it's not an acute terminal illness and a doctor hasn't felt the need to go over their prognosis I can't see any point in telling someone they are going to die. If you want to get proactive with end of life planning like wills and advanced directives that is a whole different conversation.
You simply don’t tell them. That’s medical information and needs to come from a doctor. And realize that on some level your parent knows that death is inevitable for us all and the time is approaching where this will occur. Lean on parent’s medical team to talk them through this and help decide if hospice is appropriate. You be the loving and supportive adult child. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s so very hard
This is so hard. I’m so sorry. We told my dad, as he was in the hospital, that the doctors couldn’t help him anymore. That various treatments were not options. We never said “die,” just that the doctors could not help him. And then we moved him to a small care home under hospice, just saying he was there so they could care for him. My home was very close by, and I assured him I’d be there. That being said, my dad was pretty confused by this point, so we found we had to simplify our communication. We ended up having to tell him more than once, because he sort of woke up in assisted living and asked what was going on.
So we told him again. He he muttered a bad word, and went back to sleep.
These days, the laws on this topic are: that the person dying has a right to know. If you feel uncomfortable saying what the situation is, ask the doctor to say it.
I know I would want to know.
People have a right to know, because (even with dementia) they might have last wishes, desires, people they want to see…
Of course sometimes the elderly person explicitly says they don’t want to know. Then that should be respected.
You need to provide more information. My mother passed away recently. She was on hospice. She didn't really want to have the conversation about death so I stopped bringing it up. I was mainly asking if she wanted the physical suffering to be over. I kept our visits to mainly discussing other basics but did not mention death.
My Mom was in her last stage. Getting around in a wheelchair. One day she started humming and each day she got louder so she was medicated. Then they were having trouble getting her out of bed, I said just leave her. Then she could no longer swallow so Hospice was brought in. Six days later she passed. I never told her she was dying. Not sure I ever would have. My Dad knew he was a week before he passed.
With dad, age 92, his oncologist visited him in the hospital at 7:00 a.m. Doctor told him while they were alone that treatment wasn't working and asked if he wanted to consider hospice. Dad said he wanted hospice, and doctor called me around 8:00. He asked if I wanted to be present when dad signed the papers. I was at the hospital at 10:00 and dad signed himself into hospice. There was no need for me to have an uncomfortable conversation with dad. (Rude Aunt was furious because she hadn't been consulted, and she told many people that I forced him into hospice because he never would have done it on his own.)
With mom, age 90 and losing her mind, she never was told she had dementia. She declined to the point where she wouldn't have understood if we told her she was dying, although she most certainly knew it. She kept yelling, "I want to die." She was in and out of hospice care for 2.5 years and finally died at age 95.
There are all different ways, but to me the best policy is let doctors tell them. Only have the conversation if they ask about it, then keep it brief so that, if they still have the mentation to understand, they can mull it over privately.
I would love to answer this one but I would need more information about your loved one. You tell us only this in your profile:
"Caring for mom and dad. Dad at home and mom was in AL for over 3 years but fell in bathroom (she refuses to push her alert button for assistance) and broke her femur. I live out of state but travel to their state every chance I can."
I agree with cwillie who says that we, in general, all know that death is out there lurking somewhere. But it seems you must have some info now that death is imminent? Some people are fascinated by the subject and love discussing it (that's me) and some don't want to hear the word until they are gone for 6 months. We are all different.
1. You know your loved one better than we do. You know whether he/she would want details, doctor's best guesses.
2. You likely know who this information is best to come from. Doctor? You? Hubby? Wife?
3. You know your loved one's mental capacity to understand, what their wishes might be, what business they may need to attend to before death, and whether they wish to die in Hospice at home, or fighting to the last moment.
If you can give us a bit more information it would help.
Who is this loved one?
What is the diagnosis?
What previous discussions of end of life care has there been, if any?
Sure do wish you the best.
One of the goals in caregiving is to keep the LO calm and peaceful because they are no longer able to achieve that state of mind on their own anymore. If your LO is having anxiety, then meds to help them would be merciful. I wish you peace in your heart on this journey.
A lot depends on their belief in the afterlife. "You'll be with Dad soon," or "Going home to heaven" are other ways. "The next great adventure" was how one of my client's spouse phrased it.
That being said, my dad was pretty confused by this point, so we found we had to simplify our communication. We ended up having to tell him more than once, because he sort of woke up in assisted living and asked what was going on.
So we told him again. He he muttered a bad word, and went back to sleep.
I know I would want to know.
People have a right to know, because (even with dementia) they might have last wishes, desires, people they want to see…
Of course sometimes the elderly person explicitly says they don’t want to know. Then that should be respected.