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My frail, newly-demented 94-yr-old mother is hell-bent on moving back to a city she lived in eight years ago. That was the last place she "was herself" (quote), drove, had lots of friends (that she has now outlived), and life was wonderful. I've tried to tell her it would not be the same as she remembers it. She believes she could step right back to the way it used to be, totally ignoring the fact that she has aged considerably and has many issues she didn't have them.


Anyway, how do I respond to her rants (she is absolutely livid about this)? Do I appease her, and seem to go along with it? It's impossible to reason with her. Or... do I figure out a way that she can actually make this move? She would be totally alone, no relatives there, nothing... Of course, the only way it would at all be feasible would be assisted living. She is now living independently, but thats got to change soon, wherever she lands.

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Hi LighteningRod,
Of course she can't live alone (anywhere).
That's the thing....you don't come right out and say "no". You WILL get a fight.
You can use some "non-committal" phrases, " Wow, wouldn't that be something?" Or, "I wonder if the old neighborhood is still the same?" You are talking with her about it but not committed to sending her back.
She is remembering what life "used" to be like and is not in touch with the reality that things are different now. Know that with dementia you can NOT reason with them, they aren't capable of understanding and will fight tooth and nail that they are right.

I would suggest calling her doctor and asking his/her opinion. If she is anxious all day and night, he can give her some medication to help that. There are meds that just "even them out" instead of knocking them out. Sounds like she would be a good candidate for that.
I would not tell her it's for anxiety because she'll deny that. I would say it's for something else (maybe an addition to another med she takes).
Do NOT try to force her to understand by explaining until you are blue in the face. You'll be frustrated and she can't process information. Her brain is "broken".

Do NOT argue with her, just drop the conversation or "redirect" her onto another conversation. In her stage, however, that can be difficult.

DO a lot of reading on Alzheimer's and the stages so you know what you're dealing with.

Try not to get mad at the "constant" questions or nagging. Turn your hearing off. Ignore her if you have to or excuse yourself for a chore or just go in the bathroom and lock the door.

I would not suggest you go along with this move because dementia causes horrible confusion when their routine is disrupted (even if they say they WANT it to happen). She'll be twice as confused there!

Blame her "inability" to move on the doctor (cue him in first by e-mail or note). He can help keep things running smoothly.

Good luck. At this stage my mother was a pistol! 😜
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LightingRod Sep 2018
Thanks for your input. A pistol, ha, -- my mom is a CANNON!
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Of course you don't help her move - you aren't seriously considering that option are you? (Although I can sympathize with the desire to move the problem far, far away😉)

Yes, say whatever it takes to appease her, you could even go so far as to help her plan the details if it makes her more contented, just don't allow it to go beyond that - I'm assuming she couldn't possibly accomplish this without your help right?
I agree that you should explore medications that might help her be less agitated and hopefully more contented, it would improve HER quality of life as well as yours. And if she gets angry you can just leave - sorry mom, I'll come back when you are in a better mood.
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My dad did the same thing, I told him, after months of trying to redirect and deal otherwise, that just do what you need to do. However, I can not in good conscience assist you, so whatever you can pull off by yourself, you can do.

It took him sometime but he went back, when he discovered that there really was nothing there for him, he moved to a small town in Utah, because he used to work there and knew people. His ex stepdaughter lives there and he talked her into letting him live with her.

He told me that he would rather die in a Walmart parking lot than live in a facility. The ombudsman told him he could do whatever he wanted, so I backed off, he would no longer listen to me anyway. All responsibility and no authority is not a place to be. Besides, who am I to force misery on him, he always did what he wanted, regardless of the consequences and I'm thinking that will never change.

I hope your mom comes to terms with her reality soon, the beginning of dementia is tough, they still remember tons and dig their heals in. From my personal experience anyway.
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jumparope Sep 2018
Thank you, so well stated..."All responsibility and no authority..."
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Your mom does not want to be "institutionalized"; can't blame her for that. There may be a happy medium where she can live the way she wants, without you having to worry about her.
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You've gotten some great advice here, and I feel for you. My 91 year old mother still lives independently with my help two days a week, and a friend taking her to Bingo another. She is on medication for anxiety which helps her sleep and she takes if she is anxious during the day.
I hear "I'm not myself" a great deal, and many complaints, made up concerns, and scads of requests throughout the week just to keep ME busy because she's bored.
Whenever she suggests a major change, like moving into an apartment on another block in the same complex that is a tiny bit smaller than hers, I have to explain why that would not be a good idea and that if she wants help cleaning, we will get her more help with it. She actually has it made where she lives because the maintenance man for the complex lives below her and does chores and cleaning for her and so do I! She's always been restless, but aging has made it worse. Instead of trying senior or assisted living, she insists on living in an apartment complex where she's outlived her few friends that she constantly complained about.
You and I and other care givers can not be the "end all to be all" for our loved ones. We have to create firm boundaries and provide options for their best interests. Work with their doctors and make sure they are safe and healthy. Whenever my mother makes an outlandish demand, I tell her it's her life, but I won't be a part of a bad choice. She has other options, such as in home care and cleaning, and then she backs off completely for some time.
It's important for you not to argue with or bend over backward to please your mother. I've helped my mother's three sisters before her and now my Mom. All of them moved slowly into senile dementia, and sometimes it was hard to tell when they were crossing over to the unreasonable. That's when YOUR good judgement and the best interest of your loved one kicks in and you have to act in her best behalf. Put your foot down if she won't listen to you. You may be surprised at her reaction to you saying "It's against your best interest and I won't be a part of it. You're on your own if you move forward with this." And if she does, even after the best advice of you and her doctor and other professionals such as a senior social worker, then she truly has to own it unless you can prove that she isn't competent to make the decision. When I go to my mother's doctor appointments with her, I will sometimes raise concerns she tells me but wouldn't tell a doctor. The last time we were at hers, her doctor told her "You need to use good judgement in all you do; don't overdo or you'll have shortness of breath or be tired. Don't stay out too long until you're tired. Nip it in the bud before you're tired. You have to think about your best interest all the time and make good choices."
If you're concerned about her cognition, anxiety, and ability to reason, you should share that with her doctor and/or a senior social worker who can provide you with the advice you need.
I wish you and others here the best!
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Have a Doctor tell her and then you are off the hook at being the bearer of Bad news.
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This page is so amazing. The last week my mom has been pining for snow and her old neighbors and “wouldn’t be upset” if she had to move back to Ohio (she has been living with us in Florida). I have just started to think about how to tell her that A) I’m not paying for her to move and she can’t afford it. B) My sister who she doesn’t get along with is moving back there and she assumes that she’ll be welcomed into her home but my sister has zero interest in having her around and will tell her so if pushed. C) It will cost her a lot more to live there than the $600 she pays me for her in law suite. So thanks all for the wonderful ideas!
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Bellerose63 Sep 2018
agree on have a dr/+eye dr tell my LO what’s possible and NOT possible. i’ve had to privately clue a dr or their nurse in on LO’s current abilities/disabilities and what ‘news’ i needed them to break
to my LO.
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Never to old .Maybe u can hire some one to do all.the work and maybe thats her desire to be closer to her children..really lets get honest here ..its alot work moving some one ..so really just be honest mom thats alot work moving a whole house saling house ..and packing ..I would just be honest ..
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Have you considered taking a trip with your mom to visit the town? Ask doctor if she can fly, train or drive. If the answer is no, then she obviously can't move there. If yes, perhaps a visit will show her there is nothing left for her there except beautiful memories. Encourage her to share those with you...it might help her longing to return to a time she was happy and "herself."
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You don't have to be the bad guy. You also can be unavailable to help make her wish come true. If she is so insistent on moving let her plan it all out and make it happen. If she is anything like my father it won't go anywhere is she is actually expected to be the one putting in the work to make it happen.
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How about trying to get her involved in some things she likes to do locally? Book club, garden club, etc.? Maybe get her to the local senior center so she can make some friends? It sounds like she is missing her former life for the people and activities, so try to find ones where she is now to keep her busy so she won't have time to spend thinking about moving "back" to somewhere unrealistic.
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She is losing control of her life and she wants to recapture her life as she once knew it. She obviously can't go it alone independently as she does now and I would try to make this move a reality by telling her if that is what she wants, then she would have to go into assisted living. What other alternative do you have except in not letting her have control over her life. You can't take her to court to control her actions and you will only cause a riff between yourselves.
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This has got to be so difficult to manage, my heart goes out to you. When faced with a similar situation and knowing that this is not even a reasonable request (perhaps due to the onset of her dementia) sometimes the answer needs to come from someone other than her caretaker or family. Perhaps you could speak to her physician, or clergy to discuss this with her. I don't believe that you can be the responder to her request. Moving away (1400 miles) is an unreasonable request and certainly her health and safety would be at risk (and I am sure you would be worried every moment) so I don't think accommodating her request should be your burden to carry. The memories are wonderful but the reality of what/who are in this idealistic place that she so enjoyed will not be the same. I personally would not deter her but leave it up to the professionals.
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Every day for the last 4 years (since my mother moved in with my husband and I ) my mom has been wanting to "go home". When she talks about moving I just listen. If she's insistent then I say "ok, we'll talk about it tomorrow" or I'll use some other diversion or simply change the subject. I don't try to reason with her because she thinks she can do everything she used to be able to do, so there's no reasoning with her. If you move your mother, she will still ask to move because it won't be her old life so she won't realize that she's there. Even dementia patients ask to go home even when they're already home. My mother asks to go to Italy (she moved from there to US when she was 10yrs old) and says that her parents are upset with her. Her parents have been gone for 20 years. I just assure her that they're not mad at her. I tell her what she needs to hear to have piece of mind. In the beginning I was afraid of her getting on a plane and going but 4 years later she has made no attempt. Without me making arrangements there's no way she could pull it off on her own. In my opinion, moving your mother 1400 miles away from you will be a huge mistake.
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When my father talks about going to Michigan, I tell him we are saving money to be able to do that. When I tell him we are saving money for it that satisfies him until the next time, I give him the same answer.
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Jasmina Sep 2018
Great answer😊
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My mother is 92 yrs old. She is requesting that the retina specialist put her on the list for stem cell clinical trials for macular degeneration, so she can see again. (😢). Anyway, he always tells her when they complete the trials, he will see what he can do. I have come to the conclusion that she just doesn’t realize that she is 92 yrs old. She lives in the moment for sure. And this is why we have to be the voice of reason for them.
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dazednconfused Sep 2018
I am going through the same thing with my mom; she is nearly 94. She has macular degeneration and glaucoma and insists that something can be done for her vision. The drs. have all told her that at this stage there isn't much they can do and that just gets her frustrated. I believe that she doesn't't realize how limited her time is. None of us wants to contemplate our own mortality but we need to be realistic. I try to be gentle about it and say "Mom you know *we* are all getting older, some of us more than others, and there is only so much that can be done." But I understand her frustration at not seeing as I am having my own vision problems and it is frustrating. I also do what your doctor does talk about the *possibilty* of a cure but then drift into other subjects so she feels we are hearing what she says but then we don't really get locked into anything concrete.
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Wish her well and then detach yourself from the situation. Let her make all of the necessary arrangements: moving, finding a place to live, finding new physicians, transportation etc. If she asks for your help, let her know that if she’s independent enough to move, surely she can make these simple decisions and plans. You know she won’t be able to do it. Problem solved!
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moecam Sep 2018
When my mom said she wanted to go back home I told her to do it but I didn't think it was good for her but she had the means in her purse [credit cards etc] however she had to make all the arrangements herself & if she couldn't then she needed our help which had to be close on hand - she couldn't formulate a plan much less carry it out ...END OF STORY
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There are actually people living alone well into their 90s, especially if they are of sound mind and have the financial means! Perhaps a senior community might work for her.
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What, exactly, is your mother "absolutely livid" about? What are the main subjects of her rants?

If you wouldn't mind just going back a bit: eight years ago, your then 86 year old mother sold up and moved from Shangri-La to a new home somewhere near you, did she? Was this at your suggestion? And is she still living in an urban setting, or what?

The reason I ask is that although there could be any number of reasons for her discontent and the resulting conflict about whether she can return to base, I think it is those reasons you want to tackle rather than getting into an argument about her moving back.

So, what exactly got her so aerated in the first place? Was it the dementia diagnosis? Could it be dementia itself, which can cause all sorts of personality and behavioural upsets? Or has some other difficulty or disagreement come up?
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Why not ask her what she misses about it. If it's friends you can bring her to a senior center a couple times a week or just once a week. Whatever is convenient for you. It would also give you a break as well.
Now she might balk at that, but once she goes will enjoy the hellos by the friendly staff and other seniors. She might actually enjoy it. Don't let her say no until she tries it a few times give it a,week or 2. 1time is not enough to get to know anyone there, and make friends. It might feel awkward for her at first but she will adjust. She knows she's going home at the end of her day there.

She might forget about her old place. She can make new memories with her new friends. Good luck~
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Why did she move 8 years ago? You could maybe talk about what it was like then, but bring some reality into it. She misses her friends--ask her to tell you about one of them, and mention that they have passed or are not able to do what they did before. The place she lived is not available any more, etc, but take them one at a time. Watch for weather reports with snowstorms. Tell her that you need to find out about where she could live if she moved back. I realize that she's not doing well with reality, but try one downside at a time and stall.
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She sounds like my aunt 7 years ago.  At first we'd visit for a weekend and help her with whatever her complaint was (handyman things, going to senior center and getting the detail on lunches there, meeting people, buying a call button because of her fear of falling, etc.)  Nothing was enough, and we did not realize the extent of her dementia right away.  Her unused hearing aid didn't help.  I should have guessed something was wrong when she couldn't remember to change the battery in it.  What she really wanted was for me to move there.  We live 4 hours, and a trip through Boston traffic, away. 

I went with her to a doctor's appt. and he had been telling her not to live alone, have someone come in every day, etc.  She never reported THAT to us.

A Solution presented itself   (She wrote a check for a large amount on the wrong bank, to refill her checking acct., and brought it to deposit at her savings bank.  It bounced, and she called in a panic.  We came and stayed overnight, researching letters from the banks and also some of her financial issues.  Next day the three of us spent the morning at both banks, got everything squared away, fines paid, etc.)  At lunch she asked us when we were going to get the banks straightened out.  We said, after a hospital visit. After examined and admitted, we were present for the doctor's consult.  HE was the bad guy.  No more driving or living alone.  They had started her on some meds, and wanted her to stay on the psych ward (lock down) for 2 weeks to make sure the meds were right.

I wrote what she had to do in the clear form of 3 choices.  Move to assisted living,  stay in hospital 2 weeks on psych ward, or come stay with us 2 weeks, and then decide.  We'd help her no matter shat she chose, but there were no other options. She made her choice to come with us, feeling like she had at least some control. I learned the choice thing when my kids were little. -" You have to come in 5 minutes from now."  5 min. later - "you have to come in.  Do you want to walk in on your own, or be carried?"  Choice was theirs, but staying out was not an option.  No debate, and I stayed calm. 

Good luck with your choices.
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I know exactly what you’re going through. I went through it with my mother four years ago. My mom decided she wanted to move back to Iowa where she grew up. In her late 80’s she told old friends there that her family didn’t care, which was far from the truth. But we helped her make the move that she could never have done on her own. She was there for about a month and hated it. I think in her mind she was 30 again and so we’re her old friends. She thought they’d take her out to lunch a few times a week, run all her errands. Her friends quickly realized that she was very needy and were very happy when I helped her move back close to me and my family. Of course the moves and flights cost a lot of money. If your mother is like mine was, she will not be happy no matter where she is. Try not to argue with her, because her reasoning is gone, instead tell her you’ll look into it and change the subject to something fun.
DON’T let her move!! A retirement home or assisted care home may work best for her and for you.
Go to Dr. Appts. with her and the Dr. can give her something for agitation.
Assuming he or she has a good understanding of Dementia. There is help available. Communicate things she says or does that are not normal with her Dr. privately in Writing.
God bless you for all your caring efforts.
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Take her there for a reconaisence mission to find a 'right place' - she will soon find what you are saying - this vacation will be cheaper than moving her twice - she needs to learn that 'you can go back again' no matter how much you want it - only take a suitcase each because this is a search visit -

If she still wants to move may now is the time to invoke the P.O.A. papers because her dementia is deeper than it shows so then you need to have her tested by professionals
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I agree with Countrymouse's post.

All the questions she asked are important to know.
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Hi Lightening Rod! I sympathize with you. My mom believes she can go back to her old home that her sister sold. Sad story but the point is I do not passify her. I continually tell her its not possible the house has been sold. The facility she's in is three blocks away from the house. Two years ago she walked there on her own. She is clearly in denial. She has been thru so much. its painful to watch your parent yearn to go home. She wants to be with her family but they are all deceased accept one sister. Keep telling your mother things have changed and she can't go back to her old life style. Try to keep her busy with other things and get a mental health team in place. They know what phase your mom is in and are skilled at handling the transition. My mom's psych m.d. helps me see things more clearly when mom gets anxious or says things that are not feasible at the time. You need that support. Your mom hears you and she is processing what your saying. She's just fighting it. Your suggestion of an ALF where she used to live is good. Be patient. Go slow with her. Things won't be the same from now on so get ready!!!
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